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Hero of cheese: Dolph Lundgren.

Ah, yes indeed. The wonder that is The Dolph. Big, blonde, clumsy-looking, the toast of the b-movie industry. An accomplished martial artist and God-awful actor, this man has filled our lives with countless schlock-fest action movies all of which somehow involve him getting his man-tits out. Always ready for action, machine gun in one hand, baby oil in the other, Dolph hams it up like no other. While his performances may be comparable to a camping holiday in John Candy's colon, there's one thing this towering ayrian monster could always be counted on for doing: kicking ass. Whether it's kicking the living shit out of Van Damme in Universal Soldier, or handing down a good old fashioned Soviet ass-whopping in Rocky IV, you can guarantee the shit's gonna hit the fan whenever Dolph's around.

So here's the TwistedEdge bio of this particular beefcake:

Dolph Lundgren hails from that wonderful place Stockholm in Sweden. A place famous for blonde, strapping, muscular lads who spend all their time grinding up against heavy machinery making cars. Sweden's most popular export is, ironically, cheese. His official website refuses to state the date he was born, which probably means that Dolph is very old indeed.

Dolph Lundgren pictured here up to his eyeballs in shit. A stronger metaphor may never have existed.
Ever since he was a kid he showed a fantastic talent for music and the fine arts. Such child prodigys are often also naturals when it comes to the world of stage and theatre, so Christ only knows what went wrong here. Possibly a strange disease that melts the mouth / brain divide? Perhaps he was lobotomised? Who knows?

It was about the age when most guys get their first hangover that his massive potential was realised, as he gained an honours degree in engineering. He would follow this with a masters in chemical engineering. This will surprise many, as those who've seen his movies will be shocked he can even read.

Having accomplished more academically in his youth than most people will in their entire life, Dolph decided he'd had enough of that learning shit, and went about studying how to kick the living shit out of people.

It was here that he became a world-famous martial artist and actually got paid to kick ass. How cool is that?!

As to why he never used these incredible skills in his movies is unknown. Despite being a karate expert, it seems the only thing that moves slower than him in his movies is the trail of bloody corpses he leaves behind.
Having gained an impressive physique, he decided to prove to the world what a real, butch man-whore he really was by posing near-naked in a series of modeling jobs. It seems ever since then, the Swedish Sweatcake just isn't happy unless he feels a cold, brisk wind against those crowd-pleasing nipples of his. Dolph just loves getting naked, a fact that has unfortunately made his many movies (and this page) rather popular with the butch gay porn crowd.

It was in 1985 when some pesky friends got in his ear saying he should become an actor. This was, of course, the 80's (known here as the Decade of Destruction) - an era in which all acting ability went out the window, in favour of leather-clad, illiterate, mumbling heroes intent on blowing shit up 24/7. In an era that saw the world famous thong-loving gibbon Arnold Schwarzenegger rise to fame, Dolph was sure to fit straight in. Much to our amazement, Lundgren actually went to acting school, enrolling at the Warren Robertson Theatre Workshop. This is, assumedly, where Dolph Lundgren went to sleep. You'd think even a little acting talent would rub off on this muscular mountain of a man, but no.

He made his much-anticipated / surprising / decidedly average on-screen debut in a Bond flick, no less. 1985's A View To A Kill saw Lundgren do what he does best; wander round clumsily while hurting people. His real fame, however, came in the hilariously cheesy and inept piece of Cold War propaganda Rocky IV, in which he played the Soviet killing machine Ivan Drago. (This was a movie that not only wiped its Commie arse with the Rocky legacy, but also taught us that all Soviets are evil ayrian psychos who enjoy killing black people by beating them to death in front of a televised audience. Clearly an important lesson for us all.) Out of 5000 people who auditioned, Stallone picked Lundgren for the role, possibly due to his almost mechanical demeanour, physique, and his tenderness in the bedroom.

Loveable Uncle Dolph has been hammering the living shit out of people ever since.
Dolph Lundgren's main traits:

Like many of the stars of the most homo-erotic decade in movie history (the 80's), Dolph just loved to take his shirt off. It seems the moral of this story is that you can't be a real badass unless rubbed up to the eyeballs in baby oil, tits out, blasting people with your uzi. Why simply maim your enemies when you can show off your flat-top hairdo and skin-tight leather panties too? It's true folks, not only did Dolph kill a shitload of people during his career, he looked fabulous doing so. Based on his movies, Dolph's hobbies include:

  • Walking around in cheap motel rooms with the moonlight coming through the window, showing the world his tight, toned, muscular ass.

  • Flexing his muscles inappropriately while kicking the living shit out of people. Usually for no apparent reason.

  • Touching himself. Usually in front of others.

  • Shooting people. Usually other muscular, hairy, leather-clad men. Maybe it's something about the idea of penetrating them repeatedly with his hot steel. We'll never know.

  • Having sex with women deliberately chosen to look slightly uglier than Dolph. These damsels in distress also often also have smaller tits than our leading man. Close-ups of his pounding chest guaranteed.

  • Looking shocked and surprised when said woman gets naked, as if to say "Hey bitch! What you doing?! That's my job!"

  • Getting his ass out in public yet again, often via the infamous 'butt in the moonbeam' walk as described earlier. During these scenes, 75% of the male viewing audience suddenly gain religion, praying to God that the ayrian beefcake before them doesn't suddenly spin round and say 'hi!'

Here's some photographic evidence for you lucky people to feast your eyes upon. These aren't the sleaziest we could find, just three random shots taken from his website.

Dolph's Most homo-erotic moment?
There are way too many to choose from. This is a guy after all who on his tax forms lists "beng in underwear" as a career. Normal logic would be to include an image of Dolph being all sexy and naked here, but the above pictorial is too much as it is. Besides, one more glimpse of male nipple here and we'd be bordering on gay porn. Plus, the middle image above is poking me in the eye. You'll have to make do with the promotional film still to the right instead.

One scene in particular did make me laugh though, that being the one in The Punisher (the old one, not the shitty remake one with Thomas Jane.) It's the scene in which a rather inappropriately sweaty Louis Gossett Jr. grabs Dolph, (who is conveniently all caged up like the wild, thrusting animal that he is,) shaking him like a bottle of extra-warm milk, repeatedly screaming "Let me in!"

It just doesn't get any more unintentionally steamy / hilarious than that. Perhaps the masterminds behind this movie got the wrong idea when they heard the 'Punisher' title? The fact that Dolph Lundgren is clad head-to-toe in leather at this point is merely the icing on the cake. Hmmm... white, thick, sticky icing. All over Louis Gossett's cake. Probably tastes salty too... Am I the only one sensing a hidden agenda here? None of this compares to his role in Masters of the Universe, however. But the less said about that one, the better.

"Just look at the size of his cannon!"
Blowing shit up.

Fuck yes! As mentioned countless times earlier - when it comes to random, pointless violence, Uncle Lundgren is your man. Got an army of tanks headed towards your base and only one machine gun? Call Dolph. Need to spread the cause of Truth, Justice and the American way in an unstoppable hail of bullets? Give Mr. Lundgren a call. The Mafia kidnap your granny? You need Lundgren! One of those evil, dastardly British megalomaniacal masterminds kidnapped The President and taken him to his evil mountain fortress? Call Dol... no... wait... that's one for James Bond. But you get the point.

Here's some highlights of Dolph doing what he does best, from the film 'Cover Up' - bear in mind, this is quite possibly Dolph's least violent movie:

This funky little .gif animation is a new favourite of ours. Probably because it took such a God-damned long time to make. You can guarantee it'll make an appearance elsewhere in the site for years to come.

Some of my other favourite little moments from that film also, shown below. Dolph again shows the world what a real, manly, pointlessly violent and unrealistic ass-kicking is all about. This is diplomacy - the Swedish way:

The above scene takes place in a scene where some assassin breaks into Dolph's hotel room, dressed as a waiter (or Dolph got real shitty room service - I forget.) Does Dolph question this man? Interrogate him? Try to get the information he needs to save the day? Fuck no! He beats the dude to death! Now that's cool. That's what people like him are all about - screw diplomacy, screw democracy, KICK HIS ASS! BANZAAAIII! (I especially like the elbow to the marbles bit. A nice touch.)
You see, that's what's missing from movies these days - hell, from modern life entirely. I am of course talking about the senseless violence that used to perforate movies of this era like piercings on a skinhead's eyebrow. Whatever happened to blowing shit up? Whatever happened to movies where a singular, ridiculously heavily armed man could walk into a room and shoot the living shit out of the 150 henchmen waiting inside, only to leave without a scratch, smoking a cigar. That's the American way, dammit!

Look at Dolph - he's got the right idea. Bollocks to talking the enemy down. Bollocks to negotiations. Drown the buggers in the bathtub! It's this bedrock which raised such fine, upstanding individuals as myself - without this senseless destruction, mankind will lose it's desire to smash and kill. Next thing you know, us guys will be complimenting each other! Deviant ideas like that can only lead to further evils! Like Morris Dancing and Bagpipe Playing! And eating museli! And quiche! And sandals combined with socks! And God-Damnit, I won't let that happen!

In short: we need people like Dolph Lundgren for our very way of life!

Blowing even more shit up...

No way is a couple of huge explosions and one ass kicking enough to convey the true spirit of The Dolph. He'd tear off my arms and go skiing with them just for the insult. So here's a few tasty morsels from the utter shit-fest of a movie that is Bridge Of Dragons. Sure, the movie makes about as much sense as Wales trying to launch their own lunar landing, but it's got some cool action in it. Guns, bombs, tanks, death, killing, shooting, stabbing, and lots of mindless ass-kicking. The whole film is an absolutely hilarious, pointless slaughter; it's the kind of thing only Dolph and a handful of others could ever dream of accomplishing.

(You're probably wondering why I don't show stills from some of his more popular works like Rocky IV, Universal Soldier etc. Let's face it - you've already seen those. Besides, these films are much more cheesy.) As for Bridge of Dragons, here's some of the highlights from the opening scene only. To show all the cool ass-kicking that takes place in the whole movie would melt the internet. Twice over.

Okay, okay, so I admit it - I put that last one in myself. But you get the point. Whenever Dolph's in town, shit explodes. People die. Destruction rains down from the skies. All Dolph has to do is roll up in his jeep, and suddenly what was once a quiet suburbia is now a slumber party in Beirut. Some people just attract random, hilarious, pointless violence. Dolph Lundgren is one of those people. That's why Dolph is God.

The moral of this story?: If you want to become a famous, b-movie icon and make yourself millions in the process, do like Dolph did - drop out of school, ditch your education, go to America, learn how to kick ass... and let the good times roll. Who needs acting, or even the English language when you've got sexy blonde hair and enough stacks of muscles to skullfuck a grizzly bear to death without breaking a sweat.

Viva la Dolph!

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