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The truth about Steven Seagal

Everything you think you know is wrong. This is the real truth about the towering, sweltering bohemoth that is Steven Seagal...

There are two kinds of people in this world:

1.) Those who worship Steve Seagal and the endless amount of ass he kicks, and
2.) Assholes.
You know I'm right.

For decades he has graced our cinema screens, our TV screens, our hearts, our minds - and thanks to his recent vomitous spree of straight to DVD releases, our wallets too. He's made more money than God, the Catholic Church, the I.R.S and Pizza Hut put together. He's retired more people than social security. The man's a living legend, and anyone who disagrees coincidentally happens to be dead.

Seagal has imprisoned the minds and hearts of everyone lucky enough to clasp eyes upon his strangely transfixing, slug-like figure. All this, despite the fact that the wide, slippery bastard is such a bad actor he couldn't even pull off a role as a coma victim without making our balls tingle with hilarity.

Seriously - I've sat on sofas with more acting ability than this hairy beast of a man. When it comes to acting prowess, Steve's skills rank in a special, barely registerable zone... the type normally reserved for gimps in basements, freshly trampled roadkill, lobotomized hamsters and my ex-girlfriends.

The man couldn't even master the English language; since he broke his first skull back in the 80's he's been stumbling embarassingly around even the most simple of scripts - the kind of shit you normally give children who are learning to read. This wouldn't be so bad were we talking about Jackie Chan or George W. Bush, but considering English is meant to be this guy's first language... you get my drift. You can train a parrot to talk but not Seagal - not like this matters - Seagal could kick the ass of a parrot any day.
God put Steven Seagal on this planet purely to kick ass. Here he is dispatching a vegetarian.
God put Seagal on this planet purely to kick ass. Here he is dispatching a vegetarian.
Steven Seagal does not need acting to get by. In his audition he simply bit the head off a lion and shat down its neck.

My point is that despite being a bad enough actor to make Meg Ryan and Goldie Hawn seem like unbridled geniuses in comparison, he's burned his name into the pages of cinematic legend. How? I'll tell you:

Steven Seagal kicks a Biblical amount of ass.

The reason Steven Seagal never gets hurt is because his face is made out of the same stuff they made Kim Basinger's tits out of, as he clearly demonstrates above. It's like having a car air bag growing out your face...
The reason Stevie never gets hurt is because his face is made out of the same stuff they made Kim Basinger's tits out of, as he clearly demonstrates above. It's like having a car air bag growing out your face...

While other lesser, weedier, lentil-munching pansies in the action movie business often resort to fancy spin kicks and other assorted martial arts toss, our man Seagal can take down a batallion of ninjas just by bitch slapping them to death. Over and over and over again. He never gets tired.

Be it platoons of psychotic street punks, suit-wearing gangsters or nay-saying film critics, you can be confident Seagal will ruin their shit for life with a variety of palm blasts to the face, probably followed by a gentle push through thousands of dollars of furniture.

Forget for a moment that in real life Seagal's moves wouldn't harm a butterfly, that even the most timid of household pets would stop and laugh at this slap-happy horse shit. On film, SEAGAL IS THE FUCKING MAN. It's no wonder then that Seagal stands tall and proudly victorious when the corpses begin to pile up - which they never fail to do.

On movie sets, Steve would never allow mere stunt men to take credit for his work - not that this was ever a problem, however, as Steve would always have eaten them by the time the cameras started rolling anyway.

While it is certainly true that Steven Seagal's star isn't shining quite as brightly as it once was, it's fair to say that Hollywood's answer to Meatloaf will never be forgotten. Many critics of Seagal these days point out his recent cinematic monstrosities as a reason for him to pack up his shit and go home. Those people are wankers.

Just because he's too fat to do his own action sequences... just because his face has become so massive it's actually imploded in on itself like a neutron star... just because every time he opens his mouth 3 gallons of liquid chicken grease come flowing out... doesn't mean to say this man isn't a star! Besides, all that extra beef he's dragging around his midsection just means more padding for when taking shots off the bad guys - hell, that sumbitch doesn't even need to use Kevlar any more.

However, despite all the media attention our ol' buddy Stevie has gotten over the years, there's a lot of things most casual fans fail to realise about the man Hollywood caringly refers to as 'That Fat Fuck Piss-stink Old Man With The Stupid Ponytail'. It is our mission here today then to educate the masses, to enlighten the world as to the real Seagal. By the time you're done reading this article's 14 undeniable pearls of seldom-known wisdom, you'll understand why the sun really does shine out of Steven Seagal's ass. Here goes...

Did you know...

1.) In only one of his 30 films (to date) does our man Seagal die - 1996's Executive Decision. Infuriated by the news of his untidy demise in which his character falls ass-first out an aeroplane so fast his head explodes, Seagal demanded a much less squishy death. He threatened to eat the producers children like Dim Sum if his nafarious demands were not met. Naturally, they had the fear of Seagal in them, and balked. Then the chubby bastard ate the little shits anyway, just to teach them a lesson.

2.) Stevie then found out that co-star Kurt Russell got to live all the way to the end of the film, and even land planes and wear sunglasses and shoot people and stuff. This angered The Seagal. After the filming was done, Seagal tracked Russell to his Hollywood abode, waited for him to take a crap, rampaged him, then fired three gallons of fresh Seagal cuddle-cream up his unsuspecting arsehole as retribution. Ever wonder why Kurt Russell always looks so morose? Now you know.

3.) During the filming of The Patriot in 1998, there wasn't enough rampant ass kicking going on to quell Seagal's need for wanton destruction. So, once 'cut' was called, Steve took the ass kicking to the crew, the rest of the cast, the catering staff, the best boy, the mop guy, and even the homeless guys across the street. Still not quenched of his boner-enducing need for bloody, violent slaughter, Seagal then spent the next 6 hours walking the streets and ruining the shit (and occasionally t-bagging) any strangers unfortunate enough to cross his rather sweaty path. On one occasion he even bitch-slapped an old man all the way up a flight of stairs and then all the way back down again - just to show the world what an Akido badass motherfucker he was / is. He was eventually found at Seaworld in Florida punching an Orca whale in the face over and over again, just for the hell of it.
No-one dares speak badly to Steven Seagal, even when he's raping a panda in public...
No-one dares speak badly to Seagal, even when he's raping a panda in public...
4.) Steven Seagal keeps former child star Corey Haim locked up in a cage in his basement. He keeps him locked away in the darkness, returning on a bi-weekly basis to throw him rotten scraps from his massive breakfast table, or to feed him gallon after gallon of raw porridge. Sometimes, just for kicks, he parades around naked in front of his funky little captive with Barry White playing in the background, with nothing but a pair of socks to cover his leathery, bug-like frame *.

5.)
Stevie likes to wear the amputated, shrunken testicles of his enemies around his neck like prayer beads. Apparently it takes a while to get used to the smell, but at least it means there's always a handy snack available.
Steven Seagal looks truly dashing in pink - as seen here sporting a jacket made entirely from the intestinal tract of his fallen foes. It took over two hundred just to make that one outfit.
Steve looks truly dashing in pink - as seen here sporting a jacket made entirely from the intestinal tract of his fallen foes. It took over two hundred just to make that one outfit.

6.) Steve's favourite food is not hotdogs or wild berries as various sources claim. Steve prefers to feast upon the souls of lesser mortals. And the poor.

7.) Every once in a while when he gets bored, Steve decides to play baseball, using his macho action-movie cock as the bat. That's why he's known as 'the hardest man in showbiz.'

8.) Despite his much-publicized macho tough guy image, Seagal loves children. He also likes steak and peas and gravy.

9.) One time, Steve ate an entire grizzly bear alive, just to prove he could. Rumour has it he also used the slain pelt to wipe his ass with afterwards. Steve loves the feeling of soft fur on his skin.

10.) One time, Seagal bit famed Daily Show TV star John Stewart right on the ass cheek, leaving bite marks so big and deep it'd give a saber toothed tiger a hard-on. To this date, no-one has had the balls to ask why.

11.) Seagal's Lightning Bolt Energy Drinks are actually made purely from his unfiltered, unsweetended, undiluted piss. Despite claims otherwise, no chemical in the world could produce the raw power Steve's bowels naturally provides.

12.) Every Thursday afternoon, Seagal literally shits live trout. As of time of writing, medical science is baffled as to why.

13.) Steven Seagal was responsible for the death of Optimus Prime, not Megatron.

14.) A gynecologist once found an entire Polish mining town in the asshole of Steven Seagal. It was only ever discovered due to a particularly noisy festival being held by the villagers at the time. Friends and family were rather alarmed by the sound of music and fireworks coming out of Steve's arse crack, but no-one said a word because they didn't want to end up like Kurt Russell.
* Blatantly this isn't true, especially seeing as how Corey Haim has since been found dead. We were shitfaced when we wrote this, and it's not like anybody out there really gives a crap anyhow...


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