William Shatner: Gay marriage.
Sit back and relax as the greatest actor and musician in American history seranades you all with a tale or two from his earth-moving career. These are Shatner's epic, moving and often soul-touching words. Kind of.
Aside from a war against a country that did nothing to provoke the United States, Gay Marriage is probably one of the hottest topics to hit the headlines in recent memory. It is also a topic that completely baffles this former starship commander.
Really there is a way to appease all parties in the argument, and having dealt with the no-win scenario, I of course have that solution.
First off, let me address the homosexual community. Your group is protesting and battling for the right to be married. Am I hearing this right or have I lost my mind? Have you no idea of the freedom you currently possess? Fighting for the right to get married is like fighting for the right to get kicked in the balls (which perhaps many of you enjoy on a daily basis in the comfort of your own gay homes).
I guarantee you this, one day homosexuals will be allowed to join one another in the union of holy matrimony. It may take time, but it is inevitable. However I also promise you that 3 months after you win this privelege, gays across the country will collectively state "What the fuck did we do?!"
Marriage is not the paradise you all think it is.... trust me on this.... I myself have entered this partnership several times, and every time have found myself clawing the walls, looking for an escape. What I wouldn't give to be in your shoes and be able to say to my current girlfriends "Honey I love you, and I want nothing more than to put that love on a pedestal to be celebrated through marriage, but DAMN this oppressive government!" However, because of my fiercely heterosexual lifestyle, it is just not an option for me. Think on this gay friends.
And to the gay haters. As I stated above, homosexual marriage will one day come. Gay men and women are not a figment of our imagination, they are in fact real. You assholes in the South still living in the pre-Civil War era need to update your brains and accept that fact. However there is a way for you to get some measure of retribution. Stop fighting Gay Marriage. Reverse your views entirely and support and encourage the concept. You have a new goal. Fight to prevent Gay Divorce. Wouldn't it make you grin just a little wider to know that the entire homosexual community was just as miserable as you... every day of your married life? Unfortunately for them, there will be no escape.
Yes, I am a genius, and it was this genius that was able to defeat the genetically enhanced superior intelligence of Khan, save the planet Earth from alien humpback whales, and even slap God in the face when I wouldn't give him the key to my starship.
I just solved the whole Gay Marriage debate, and I haven't even had breakfast.
This is your Captain's Log.
- Sweet Bill.
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And just in case any truly stupid people come across this site, no this isn't really William Shatner writing this, you fucking idiots.