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TwistedEdge Presents: Hercules In New York

Did you know Hercules was Austrian? No? Neither did we...

Note: This is the first review we ever posted here on TwistedEdge (if you give a shit about that sort of thing.)

Hercules In New York was Arnold Schwarzenegger's first movie, but amazingly somehow not his worst.

Even just by glancing at the title, you can tell this is going to be a real classic. The opening lines do little to dispel any fears you may have about the quality of this... thing:

"Far in the dim past, when myth and history merged into mystery, and the Gods of fable, and the primitive police of man, dwelled on ancient Mount Olympus in ancient Greece, a legendary hero walked God-like upon the Earth." Riiight. Nothing like a heavy dose of pretentious crap to get us off the mark...

The script? Possibly a reject from some infant school play. So badly written it beggars belief. Seriously, I've seen better written episodes of Diagnosis Murder than this. And believe me, that's saying something. The cast? A bunch of unknown Hollywood rejects dredged up from the type of festering cess pits normally reserved for growing mushrooms in.
Oh, and for good measure, some unknown Austrian who had recently won the Mr Universe contest. However, his name was considered too long to fit on the billboards for this movie - so they dropped him under an alias: "Arnold Strong." The poor bastard. Yes folks this cinematic epic was Arnold Schwarzenegger's feature film debut - though for all the good it did he may as well have just shit in a bucket and thrown it at the screen.

Rumour has it that Arnie only got this role because his agent blatantly lied to the director, saying that Arnold was also fresh from the Shakespeare Company of Austria. The director must have been braindead to believe such crap. And, judging by this movie, he probably was. So bad is Arnie's acting infact, that they dubbed him over (as to whether this should have continued for all his other movies is a matter of opinion.)

Check out these shots of an opening scene where Hercules falls to Earth from Mt. Olympus:


*Yawn* "Just another long flight... feelin' kinda sleepy..."

"Huh?! What the hell is that?!"


"Aaaaaaagh! It's Arnold Schwarzenegger! Heeeeelp!"


"Heeeeeeeeeelp! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaggggghhhhh!"


"Stewardess! Help! She's crazy!"


"Ooops!"

Okay, so I admit - that last pic I just put in for a laugh. It was either that or show you a shot of Arnie in a loincloth, and believe me, neither of us wants that.

So Hercules gets bored of his kingdom up on sleepy ol' Mount Olympus, and decides to go to New York. As you do. That's it. That's the plot. That's all there is to it. Everyone asks Hercules where he's from, despite the ridiculous accent. He says Greece. And they believe him. Were people really that stoopid in those days?

After arguing with Daddy-o Zeus, he falls to Earth, winding up on some two-bit boat. Then he teams up with some short-ass called Pretzy (who sells pretzels - get it?) The two intrepid adventurers end up jackassing their way about the Big Apple, kicking the living bejesus out of anyone and everyone. You know, because they can. Don't expect anything too violent. Or exciting. Or believable. Because the fight scenes here make Mr T's efforts in the A-Team look De Niro in Raging Bull. This is a movie, methinks, for those lobotomised gibbons who still think wrestling is real. Laurel and Hardy had more hard-hitting action than this warmed-over crap.

Oh, and Hercules falls in love, unconvincingly, with some random brunette (the actress for whom is so bad it's almost as if she's reading from autocue.) It must have been a real challenge to find some poor, unfortunate fool with less acting ability than the former Mr Governor, but they managed. Imagine a young Sigourney Weaver, if you will. Now imagine her going without sleep for 72 hours. Now get rid of the make-up. OD her on Vicadin. Then drown her in Prozac. Now imagine if she'd had her eyes torn out and had been skullfucked by a two ton monkey. Then lobotomize her for good measure. That's pretty much what we're faced with here.

Somehow our two love birds run into a recently escaped "600lbs grizzly bear." I use quotes here, because if that's a bear, then I'm Abraham Lincoln. Cue one of the greatest scenes in Hollywood history:



This is what a real grizzly bear looks like. So bear that in mind (pardon the pun.)

*Gasp* Oh no! Gadzooks! That vicious 600lbs bear has escaped from it's cage!

Behold - the highly realistic bear. It's blatantly just a bloke in a suit! Look! You can see his face!

Looks like bear-suit man tried wiping his ass with his hand - that'd make anyone angry.

Run Arnold! He's trying to wipe it on you!

GRRRR! HULK SMASH! RAAAAAGH!
I'm sure you're as amazed as I was - Hulk... I mean... Herc... pummeling a bear. And such a realistic bear too. No amount of cheesy screenshots could ever do it justice.

News gets out of the legendary ass-kicking the bear took, attracting the attention of PETA, Greenpeace, the RSPCA and various other animal charities, who had him arraigned and arrested immediately. No, just kidding. He gets chatted up by a wrestling promoter. Cue Herc's rise to fame with one of the shittiest montages the world has ever seen. But then... just when all was going well... some mobster types show up. Check it out:

Mobster #1 - clearly the leader of the group. Dressed in the kind of overcoat normally only seen covering the ample booty of such public enemies as Dr Evil. From the same tailor I'm sure.

 

Mobster #2 - has one of the most under-appreciated jobs in the Mafia - he's the dude who stands there and says "yeah" after every sentence Mobster #1 says. It takes years of practice to be this good.

 

Mobster #3 - The third guy doesn't even get any lines. He's just here to show the world his great, sexy, pouting lips.

The mobsters threaten Pretzy - and being the pussy little bitch that he is, he signs Hercules's wrestling contract over to them. Meanwhile, Zeus sends some macho avenger type called Mercury to bring ol' Herc back. (Although to look at him, he doesn't seem all that macho really. Looks like a bit of a nancy boy infact, and he runs like a girl too.) Hercules says go screw. So Mercury goes home... but not before Pretzy works out Hercules' secret! Aaagh! The horror! What will Hercules do?! Will he manage to stay on Earth?! Does anyone even care?! I know I don't - so I skipped a couple of chapters for the sake of my sanity.

Pluto (the Greek Satan) turns up, tries to convince Hercules to come to hell with him. Hercules says no, because there are women there and he doesn't want that type of evil crap. (No kidding.) So Pluto bets $20,000 at 5-1 odds on Herc losing a big weight lifting contest, planning on Arnie losing his macho powers. Oh, and did I mention - because Pluto is a bad guy, he's BRITISH? Oh yes. Complete with top hat and all. Because that's all us Brits do, you see, kick back and spend our time being evil. Hmmm...

Herc loses, the mobsters figure the fix is in, and go after him, pissed at losing their hundred grand. After a crap car chase, they end up in a warehouse. A big fight breaks out, Hercules goes crazy and... pushes over some empty barrels. Thus winning the fight, after some of the most poorly choreographed action I've ever seen. I apologise for my summary of the end scene being so brief, but I actually fell asleep watching it, even with the volume turned way up. That's how bad this cinematic disaster really is.

Screenshots...

Below are some screenhots of this cinematic monstrosity for your visual amazement...


The other Gods on Mt. Olympus often teased Mercury for running like a girl.

Our comedy sidekick Pretzy. The only part of this movie I actually liked (but not much.)

The costumes in this film never cease to amaze. Did you know Zeus wore gold foil? Bling!


The new homo-erotic Mount Olympus. Now with 25% more straddling.


Something we've all wanted to do at one time or another...


One look at the title screen, and you can tell you're in for a classic...


Hand job anyone?

Diplomacy: the Austrian way.

It's not just the acting that's wooden.

In conclusion...

So what have we learned here today? Well, for a start - based on the quality of this celluloid abortion, Arnie is lucky to have a career at all (actually, this film went almost un-noticed - Arnie's career only took off after a documentary called Pumping Iron.)

This film is awful, plain and simple. Hercules comes across as a semi-retarded weirdo who can barely master the English language, let alone his lines. (Arnold just portrays himself, basically.) There is no plot. There is no flow. Whoever is responsible for this obviously hated the rest of mankind, and wanted to inflict terrible punishment. They succeeded. Watching this, it's as if the viewer has sinned in a previous life, and this is their reward. I wasn't sure whether to laugh or cry - this is both hilariously bad, and completely embarrassing at the same time.

This movie contains the following chunks of wholesome goodness...

Here's some content symbols for you to feast and ravish upon. For an insight into our ratings system etc click here.

Bad acting. Fashion suicide.

Embarassing-looking sci fi.

Homo-erotic sleaze. Macho bullshit.
Unconvincing
ass kicking.
               

The score...



8 bottles of Jack required to forget this film.
Infinitely more to forgive.

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