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Ninja Squad starring Richard Harrison and Dave Wheeler, directed by the infamous Godfrey Ho

Putting the ASS back into KICKASS. Warning: may contain ninjas.

TwistedEdge proudly presents a movie worth less than the DVD it's burned on to...

Ninja Squad starring Richard Harrison and Dave Wheeler, directed by the infamous Godfrey Ho

What is the worst kung fu movie of all time? Who knows - but I wouldn't exactly lose sleep if it turned out to be this cinematic gem. I am of course referring to Ninja Squad - a martial arts movie so bad it makes the hard-hitting escapades of the A-Team look like the mastery of Bruce Lee (who, by the way, could be heard turning in his grave upon the release of this masterpiece on DVD.)

I'm still unsure how this trembling tower of shit came into my collection. An alien abduction perhaps? Maybe some kind of obscure mind control dished out by The Man to weaken the minds of the youth? Rohypnol maybe? Who knows? Or cares? All I know is that the half-price bottle of beer I drank while watching it actually cost me more than this movie did.

There were many confused voices out there a while ago claiming Tarantino's Kill Bill movies were the finest martial arts epics of all time. Granted, that's blatantly not true, but when you consider a genre flooded with this horse shit, you can see why people got so excited.
This, ladies and gentlemen, is the cinematic equivalent of having your arsehole eaten out by a crocodile. I'd rather dangle my dick in a pool of piranhas than watch this movie again. There's a ton of movies out there which started with the loftiest of ambitions but for whatever reason didn't quite work - that's fair enough. But with Ninja Squad I was honestly left thinking that the amusingly named director Godfrey Ho didn't even try. It's like they were determined not to give a shit, going to extreme lengths to make sure this movie turned out as crappy as scientifically possible. I've seen amateur Russian pornography with better direction and acting than this.

With such high praise in mind, let me guide you through what can only be described as the absolute drizzling shit...

Let battle commence!

We open with a low-rent ninja in pink wearing tin-foil shoulder pads, leading me to think the costumes for this movie were stolen from the puppeteers behind Thunderbirds. We watch in awe as he wanders about randomly and swishes his toy sword around for no apparent reason. Think Karate Kid but 1000 times more homo-erotic.

I couldn't help but notice a slight problem here though. Think about it - you're a mysterious silent killer who stalks his prey at night, ready to mutilate any poor fool who crosses your path - you're going to wear black, right? You know... for camouflage and stuff.

Ninja Squad is so good they couldn't even get the title text to line up properly
Above, the opening sequence and DVD title screen. Such quality as this is seldom seen these days...
But not this ninja - he doesn't need to sneak up on you! Why?! He's got balls of steel and a plastic sword damnit! He's not repressed like those common black ninjas - it's pink all the way for this guy! He could kill you a thousand times and still look fabulous doing so! Even if he does look like some loser who failed the Flash Gordon audition...

Richard Harrison pictured here looking like an absolute tit in Ninja Squad
Does anyone else see the similarity here?
Or is it just me?

Our pink ninja has a student called Billy, who is down on his luck - perhaps it's the fact everyone has guns now, rendering ninjas obsolete? Or maybe ninjas just have a real crappy union? Who cares.

You see, Billy's spent 10 years in ninja school, basically wasting his life in silly pink tights. He can't get a job. Maybe it's the fact he was too busy polishing his massive blade to learn how to read. Oh sure, he could turn your bitch ass into mashed rice with one fling of his shuriken, but what use is that to a company like IBM? This economy simply wasn't built with the modern ninja in mind.
So Billy arrives back in town dressed like a lowly peasant, and is reunited with his family for the first time in over a decade. You'd think they'd be happy, right? Hell no! That'd require acting, which would in turn require actors. That would mean spending money; money which has already been spent on filling this movie with the kind of cheesy, retro, Casio-synthesizer-generated 80's music that's normally reserved for elevators, sleazy low-budget porn or for torturing suspected terrorists.

No sooner has Billy arrived than a gang of denim-clad pirates promptly turns up at his door. Being true rock 'n' roll rebels, these fine upstanding individuals are here to demand protection money - which would be fine were it not for the fact these guys are about as scary as the Care Bears Christmas Special. They've never been here before, leading me to suspect they hung around for 10 years hiding in the bushes waiting for a ninja to show up before making their move. Oh, and if you're wondering why I referred to them as pirates, check out these quotes from this scene:
Billy: Excuse me, my father bought this land years ago before he died. [FYI, Billy incidentally sounds strangely like Dr Chase from the TV show House MD.]

Badass Gang Leader: That's crap! We won this land 5 years ago! He thinks he's special! Everybody pays here! [This character, on the other hand, sounds frighteningly like Beavis. You can tell he's a bad guy too, because he's shouting.]

The whole gang: Arr! Arr! Oh Arr! [Yes, they really do make pirate noises - this is dubbing at it's very best.]

Badass Gang Leader: We'll just burn his fucking house down! No problem for us! Arr! Oh Arr!

I could go on, but I'm sure you get the picture. As to why our pre-pubescent hero has a British accent is beyond me.
Ninja Squad's hero Billy, pictured here looking like a low-level Tiawanese love slave
Billy - a guy so poor he can't even afford buttons.

I hear the voice and I'm looking around for a Bond villain or something, but that's just me I guess. Meanwhile, back to reality and our dastardly bad guys proceed to inflict terror upon the world... by throwing stones at the house.

This might actually be scary were it not for the fact that Billy and his family live in a dilapidated wooden shack. Seriously - Godzilla could storm his way through and breathe fire on this shithole and it'd only increase the market value. The 'gangsters' terrifying teasing continues until our inevitable fight scene breaks out. This is normally where movies like this shine... but Ninja Squad falls flat on its ass.
Ninja Squad: The day Run DMC tribute bands took over the world
The day Run DMC tribute bands took over the world.
The kung fu (or lack of) is so bad it makes the work of Mr T look good. I watched with pure amazement as Billy, having spent most of his life training in the fighting arts, mopes around punching everyone over and over and over again in the stomach, usually missing by a few inches. Christ - I could have taught him that! All this scene needed to push it totally over the edge and into the realm of Death By Cinema is a cameo appearance by Batman & Robin. You know... just for kicks (pardon the pun.) What's even worse is that Billy seems to have a brother who knows martial arts - despite the fact that he never went to ninja school! What the hell was Billy learning? Origami?! Jesus H Christ. Finally, the Brothers of Destruction gain the upper hand, after some of the sorriest combat I've ever seen. For some reason all the impact noises sound like a fat old man being slapped on the ass. Niiice.

At this point we're 6:33 into this shitfest and I've already written more words than are in the script for this movie (if indeed such a thing exists.) I'd go on in this level of detail, but doing so would probably melt the internet.

Imagine my horror though as I press the 'display' button on my remote, only to find 1hr 20min of this crap still to go. It was the first time my neighbours had ever heard a grown man cry...
The pink ninja...

Now I'm confused - I mean... didn't this guy die? Apparently not. And there I was thinking his failure in 10 years to teach Billy even one move had driven him to suicide. Silly me. Wishful thinking perhaps. Maybe he's not even a ninja at all - perhaps he just rented the costume from Ninjas R Us.
Ninja Squad: Pink Ninja / Barry Van Dyke (Diagnosis Murder) - another shocking similarity. Maybe it's the oh-so-cheesy 70's style retro hairstyle
Pink Ninja / Barry Van Dyke (Diagnosis Murder) - another shocking similarity. Maybe it's the oh-so-cheesy 70's style retro hairstyle.
Anyway... our noble warrior gets a letter from everyone's buddy the Red Ninja, who reveals to us the embarrassing fact that this pink ninja's real name is infact Gordon. Perhaps that's why he wears such a sissy costume - it's hardly the most macho of names is it? I bet he got picked on by all the other kids at Ninja High. I bet he wears women's underwear too, and spends the weekends prancing about town calling himself Susan. Now that'd be a show right there!

You can tell he's a ninja because he's got a headband that says Ninja on it, just in case there's any confusion - you know, in case the sword didn't give it away. Not only that but it has a picture of a ninja on it too.

Another thing that's bothering me is why did they let a caucasian be a ninja? We white boys can't even dance, let alone swing a sword!

Anyhow - I digress. (Mind you, it's easy when the characters look this stoopid.) So it turns out Red wants to kill Pink to claim his spot as #1 ninja. Oooh. Nothing like new ideas to really add spice to a movie. Not one to be out-done by a big, manly, macho name like Gordon, it appears Red's going round calling himself Ivan. Not exactly the most Oriental of names is it? Sounds kinda Russian. Hmmm... you gotta hand it to those ninjas when it comes to ethnic diversity. Oh, and if Pink says no then Red will kill Billy.

Already I know which side I'm on...
The red ninja...

...until I saw Ivan, who's about as cool as John Travolta's armpits on a particularly hot and sweaty summer afternoon. Just look at the guy - it's like every cell in his body screams DICKHEAD. Red shows the world what a badass he is by randomly killing other ninjas throughout the movie - everyone needs a hobby I guess. These fights involve all kinds of crazy shit like:
  • spinning about
  • jumping
  • swashbuckling
  • more spinning
  • kicking
  • shuriken throwing
  • disappearing into thin air
  • yet more spinning
  • strangely inappropriate sounds
  • swords made of aluminium tin foil
  • no blood whatsoever
  • spinning about
Ivan The Red from Ninja Squad played by Dave Wheeler. I don't know what they paid him, but it wasn't enough
Yet another similarity! My oh my!
I must admit however this action beats the crap out of Steven Segal, who spent his whole career bitch slapping people to death.

Ivan also has one of those nifty ninja headbands with the word ninja on them in big letters - between that and their ridiculously bright neon glow-in-the-dark outfits, they're about as menacing as a blind, retarded quadruple amputee with his cock stuck to the ceiling fan.
Badass Billy...
Ninja Squad: The national pen shortage claims it's first victim
The national pen shortage claims it's first victim.

Our turnip munching surrender monkey so impressed the producers of this movie with his world beating ass kicking that he got a sub-plot of his own. The James Bond style villains at work in this movie decided to kidnap the sister of the only ninja in town and use her as a courier. Christ only knows why they don't just use guys on bikes like everyone else - but we'll let that one pass for now.

Our honourable hero tracks her down the most subtle and humane way possible - by kicking the shit out of everyone in his path. I've never before seen one man punch so many people in the stomach over and over again so many times.

After what seems like an eternity, he gets almost as bored as us with this unconvincing, monotonous bullshit, grabs an M16 and goes Rambo on everyone's candy ass - in true ninja fashion. For every battalion of inept morons Billy terminates, the baddies seem to kidnap another member of his family. Billy counteracts this by... killing even more people! Woo hoo!

Oh, and they kill Billy's mother too, just for good measure. His response? To look desperately bored, slightly stoned and rather confused. And to then go round killing lots of people. And did I mention the big boss's name is Larry?! Wow!
Ninjaaaaaaaaaa!!!

Feeling rather adventurous, I decided this would be the correct moment to inflict some more of the script on you:

Jon:
Billy... please take care of my kids... they're orphans!

Billy: Jon?! Nooooooooooooooo! [Billy then throws down Jon's corpse, looking for some more people to kill.]

It gets no better than this! Pure gold! (Or pure cheese, which ever you prefer. Me? I'm too busy laughing at men prancing around in their pajamas to decide.)

Richard Harrison as Pink Sissy Ninja in Ninja Squad - pictured here shitting in the woods
Pink ninja - could not afford a toilet.
Dave Wheeler as Red Ivan in Ninja Squad, seemingly very pleased that nobody can see his face
Red Ivan - that's Russian for  'sexified!'
Here's some pretty pictures of ninjas for you to stare at:
Ninja Squad: Funky looking white ninja, complete with toy swords of doom
Funky looking white ninja, complete with toy swords of doom.

Ninja Squad: Blue ninja - actually used to be beige ninja, but a blue sock got mixed up in the wash
Blue ninja - actually used to be beige ninja, but a blue sock got mixed up in the wash.
Ninja Squad: Yellow ninja - also made a living as Ghandi's stunt double
Yellow ninja - also made a living as Ghandi's stunt double.

Ninja Squad: The black ninja boasts about the two blind men he mugged on his way over...
The black ninja boasts about the two blind men he mugged on his way over...

The final battle...

Let's keep this short and sweet- after 85 minutes of the most monotonous action ever, I'm losing the will to live. So here's the epic final confrontation in brief:
Ninja Squad Presents: The world's first golfing ninja
The world's first golfing ninja.

Ninja Squad: Pink + Red = Who Cares
"Hmmm... okay, you got me.
Best of three?"

Pinkie and Red have a fight. Many backflips. Lots of kicks. They vanish. They re-appear. They vanish again. They re-appear again. Much swashbuckling and various other pantomime style sword swooshing takes place.

Pink wins. However I wouldn't rule out seeing Ivan return in the sequel, with him being the tallest and therefore most interesting cast member.

Billy kills everyone and rescues his sister, after a rather silly gunfight in an abandoned industrial estate. Enough 80's power metal cheesyness to make even the strongest of us scream in terror.
Many people die. Not a single drop of blood. For some reason the cops (arriving just in time to count the corpses - who'd have thought?!) don't shoot him - despite the fact Billy's single handedly wiped out China.

Then, for no apparent reason, he gets killed off, being shot in the back 3 times by our old pal Larry (yet 5 bullet holes appear.) Granted, I'm glad the talentless runt died. But to sit through 80+ minutes of this crap just to see him die at the end seems like such a waste.

Despite the anger and confusion caused by such a shitty double-finale, one thing is certain: I would rather eat a urinal cake than sit through this again.

Screenshots from Ninja Squad starring Richard Harrison, Dave Wheeler and directed by the infamous Godfrey Ho
"Erm... boss, why have you come dressed like a circa 1970's pimp?"
The Oriental Starsky & Hutch draws heavy criticism from fans.

Screenshots from Ninja Squad starring Richard Harrison, Dave Wheeler and directed by the infamous Godfrey Ho
The Oriental version of Knight Rider didn't have much luck either.


Screenshots from Ninja Squad starring Richard Harrison, Dave Wheeler and directed by the infamous Godfrey Ho
Today's episode of Sesame Street is brought to you by the letter N.


Screenshots...

Those awe-inspiring screenshots above not enough? Got a thirst for more? Check these bad boys out - click on any of the images to enlarge:

Screenshots from Ninja Squad starring Richard Harrison, Dave Wheeler and directed by the infamous Godfrey Ho
Guess who dropped the soap...


Screenshots from Ninja Squad starring Richard Harrison, Dave Wheeler and directed by the infamous Godfrey Ho
You can actually see the flashlight beams they used to light the scene - it gets no better than this!
Screenshots from Ninja Squad starring Richard Harrison, Dave Wheeler and directed by the infamous Godfrey Ho
Billy finally grew tired of the spiraling local rabbit population.

In conclusion...

To point out all the cheesy, nonsensical, unintentionally hilarious moments in this movie would be as futile as John Candy climbing Mt. Everest in his boxer shorts. (Yes, I know he's dead, but I figured he deserved a mention.)

This film looks like it was shot on a Betamax camera - even with the magic of DVD this painful shitfest jumps more than Kangaroo Jack. The lighting is awful; often characters are barely distinguishable from the darkened shadows that haunt this movie like flies on shit. The music is appalling - 80's power metal crap played on a Casio keyboard behind the camera.

Continuity errors plague Ninja Squad like roaches - clothes randomly change mid-scene, furniture moves as if by magic, and the same un-credited extras get killed off over and over again.

The silly looking nut-sack they brought in to play Billy looks about 8 years old. The pre-pubescent teeny-tash he sports doesn't exactly help matters (rumour has it he bought it on eBay.) Billy must be 10 at the most, leading me to believe he started his training in the womb.

In short: I would rather tear off my own scrotum and wear it as a swimming cap than watch this abomination again. This insanely cheap DVD however will make a damn fine beer mat...

This movie contains the following chunks of wholesome goodness...

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Bad acting. Fashion suicide.

Shameful special effects.

Unconvincing ass kicking.    
The score...
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Click here to see the barrage of other crap we have lying around