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Putting the ASS back into KICKASS. Warning: may contain ninjas. |
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What is the worst kung fu movie of all time? Who knows - but I wouldn't exactly lose sleep if it turned out to be this cinematic gem. I am of course referring to Ninja Squad - a martial arts movie so bad it makes the hard-hitting escapades of the A-Team look like the mastery of Bruce Lee (who, by the way, could be heard turning in his grave upon the release of this masterpiece on DVD.) Quite how this trembling tower of shit came into my collection I'm still unsure. An alien abduction perhaps? Maybe some kind of obscure mind control dished out by The Man to weaken the minds of the youth? Who knows? Or cares? All I know is that the half-price bottle of Smirnoff Ice I drank while watching this movie actually cost me more than this movie did. There are many confused voices out there recently claiming Tarantino's Kill Bill movies are the finest martial arts epics of all time. Granted, that's blatantly not true, but when you consider a genre flooded with this bilge, you can see why people got so excited. |
This, ladies and gentlemen, is the cinematic equivalent of having your ass eaten out by a crocodile. I'd rather dangle my dick in a pool of piranhas than watch this movie again. Let me guide you through what can only be described as the absolute drizzling shit... Let battle commence! |
We open with two wierdos in pink wearing tin-foil shoulderpads, leading me to think the costumes for this movie were stolen from the puppeteers behind Thunderbirds. We watch in awe as they wander about randomly and swish their toy swords around for no apparent reason. Hmmm... think Karate Kid but 1000 times more homo-erotic. I couldn't help but notice a slight problem here though. Think about it - you're a mysterious silent killer who stalks his prey at night, ready to mutilate any poor fool who crosses your path - you're going to wear black, right? You know... for camouflage and stuff. |
  Above, the opening sequence and DVD title screen. Such quality as this is seldom seen these days... |
But not this ninja - he doesn't need to sneak up on you! Why?! He's got balls of steel and a plastic sword dammit! He could kill you a thousand times and still look fabulous doing so! Even if he does look like some loser who failed the Flash Gordon audition... |
  Does anyone else see the similarity here? Or is it just me? |
A young ninja called Billy is having the same trouble - perhaps it's the fact everyone has guns now? Or maybe ninjas just have a real crappy union. Hmmm... You see, Billy's spent 10 years in ninja school with his Dad, basically wasting his life in silly pink tights. He can't get a job? Maybe it's the fact he was too busy polishing his massive blade to learn how to read. Oh sure, he could turn your bitch ass into mashed rice with one fling of his shuriken, but what use is that to a company like IBM? He should get a real job throwing midgets like everyone else, dammit! |
So Billy arrives back in town, reunited with his family for the first time in over a decade. You'd think they'd be happy, right? Hell no! That'd require acting, which would in turn require actors. That would mean spending money; money which has already been spent on filling this movie with the kind of cheesy, retro, Casio-generated 80's crappy music that's normally reserved for elevators, sleazy low-budget porn or for torturing suspected terrorists. |
Billy: Excuse me, my father bought this land years ago before he died. [FYI, Billy incidentally sounds strangely like Dr Chase from the TV show House MD.] |
 Billy - a guy so poor he can't even afford buttons. |
I hear the voice and I'm looking around for a Bond villain or something, but that's just me I guess. Meanwhile, back to reality and our dastardly bad guys proceed to inflict terror upon the world... by throwing stones at the house. This might actually be scary were it not for the fact that Billy and his family live in a delapidated wooden shack. Seriously - Godzilla could storm his way through and breathe fire on this shithole and it'd only increase the market value. The 'gangsters' terrifying teasing continues until our inevitable fight scene breaks out. This is normally where movies like this shine... but Ninja Squad falls flat on it's ass. |
 The day Run DMC tribute bands took over the world. |
The kung fu (or lack of) is so bad it makes the work of Mr T look good. I watched with pure amazement as Billy, having spent most of his life training in the fighting arts, mopes around punching everyone over and over and over again in the stomach, usually missing by a few inches. Christ - I could have taught him that! All this scene needed to push it totally over the edge and into the realm of Death By Cinema is a cameo appearance by Batman & Robin. You know... just for kicks (pardon the pun.) What's even worse is that Billy seems to have a brother who knows martial arts - despite the fact that he never went to ninja school! What the hell was Billy learning? Origami?! Jesus H Christ. Finally, the Brothers of Destruction gain the upper hand, after some of the sorriest combat I've ever seen. For some reason all the impact noises sound like a fat old man being slapped on the ass. Niiice. At this point we're 6:33 into this shitfest and I've already written more words than are in the script for this movie (if indeed such a thing exists.) I'd go on in this level of detail, but doing so would probably melt the internet. |
Imagine my horror though as I press the 'display' button on my remote, only to find 1hr 20min of this crap still to go. It was the first time my neighbours had ever heard a grown man cry... The pink ninja... Now I'm confused - I mean... didn't this guy die? Apparently not. And there I was thinking his failure in 10 years to teach Billy even one move had driven him to suicide. Silly me. Wishful thinking perhaps. Maybe he's not even a ninja at all - perhaps he just rented the costume from Ninjas R Us. |
  Pink Ninja / Barry Van Dyke (Diagnosis Murder) - another shocking similarity. Maybe it's the oh-so-cheesy 70's style retro hairstyle. |
Anyway... our noble warrior gets a letter from everyone's buddy the Red Ninja, who reveals to us the embarassing fact that this pink ninja's real name is infact Gordon. Perhaps that's why he wears such a sissy costume - it's hardly the most macho of names is it? I bet he got picked on by all the other kids at Ninja High. I bet he wears women's underwear too, and spends the weekends prancing about town calling himself Susan. Now that'd be a show right there! You can tell he's a ninja because he's got a headband that says Ninja on it, just in case there's any confusion - you know, in case the sword didn't give it away. Not only that but it has a picture of a ninja on it too. |
Another thing that's bothering me is why did they let a caucasian be a ninja? We white boys can't even dance, let alone swing a sword! Anyhow - I digress. (Mind you, it's easy when the charachters look this stoopid.) So it turns out Red wants to kill Pink to claim his spot as #1 ninja. Oooh. Nothing like new ideas to really add spice to a movie. Not one to be out-done by a big, manly, macho name like Gordon, it appears Red's going round calling himself Ivan. Not exactly the most Oriental of names is it? Sounds kinda Russian. Hmmm... you gotta hand it to those ninjas when it comes to ethnic diversity. Oh, and if Pink says no then Red will kill Billy. Already I know which side I'm on... The red ninja... |
...until I saw Ivan, who's about as cool as John Travolta's armpits on a particularly hot and sweaty summer afternoon. Just look at the guy - it's like every cell in his body screams DICKHEAD. Red shows the world what a badass he is by randomly killing other ninjas throughout the movie - everyone needs a hobby I guess. These fights involve all kinds of crazy shit like: |
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  Yet another similarity! My oh my! |
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I must admit however this action beats the crap out of Steven Segal, who spent his whole career bitch slapping people to death. Badass Billy... |
 The national pen shortage claims it's first victim. |
Our turnip munching surrender monkey so impressed the producers of this movie with his world beating ass kicking that he got a sub-plot of his own. The James Bond style villains at work in this movie decided to kidnap the sister of the only ninja in town and use her as a courier. Christ only knows why they don't just use guys on bikes like everyone else - but we'll let that one pass for now. Our honourable hero tracks her down the most subtle and humane way possible - by kicking the shit out of everyone in his path. I've never before seen one man punch so many people in the stomach over and over again so many times. After what seems like an eternity, he gets almost as bored as us with this unconvincing, monotonous bullshit, grabs an M16 and goes Rambo on everyone's candy ass - in true ninja fashion. For every betallion of inept morons Billy terminates, the baddies seem to kidnap another member of his family. Billy counteracts this by... killing even more people! Woo hoo! |
Oh, and they kill Billy's mother too, just for good measure. His response? To look desparately bored, slightly stoned and rather confused. And to then go round killing lots of people. And did I mention the big boss's name is Larry?! Wow! Ninjaaaaaaaaaa!!! |
Feeling rather adventurous, I decided this would be the correct moment to inflict some more of the script on you: |
 Pink ninja - could not afford a toilet. |
 Red Ivan - that's Russian for 'sexified!' |
Here's some pretty pictures of ninjas for you to stare at: |
 Funky looking white ninja, complete with toy swords of doom.
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 Blue ninja - actually used to be beige ninja, but a blue sock got mixed up in the wash. |
 Yellow ninja - also made a living as Ghandi's stunt double. |
 The black ninja boasts about the two blind men he mugged on his way over...
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The final battle... Let's keep this short and sweet- after 85 minutes of the most monotonous action ever, I'm losing the will to live. So here's the epic final confrontation in brief: |
 The world's first golfing ninja. |
 "Hmmm... okay, you got me. Best of three?" |
Pinkie and Red have a fight. Many backflips. Lots of kicks. They vanish. They re-appear. They vanish again. They re-appear again. Much swashbuckling and various other pantomime style sword swooshing takes place. Pink wins. However I wouldn't rule out seeing Ivan return in the sequel, with him being the tallest and therefore most interesting cast member. Billy kills everyone and rescues his sister, after a rather silly gunfight in an abandoned industrial estate. Enough 80's power metal cheesyness to make even the strongest of us scream in terror. |
Many people die. Not a single drop of blood. For some reason the cops (arriving just in time to count the corpses - who'd have thought?!) don't shoot him - despite the fact Billy's single handedly wiped out China. Then, for no apparent reason, he gets killed off, being shot in the back 3 times by our old pal Larry (yet 5 bullet holes appear.) Granted, I'm glad the talentless runt died. But to sit through 80+ minutes of this crap just to see him die at the end seems like such a waste. |
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 The Oriental version of Knight Rider didn't have much luck either. |
 Today's episode of Sesame Street is brought to you by the letter N.
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Screenshots... Those awe-inspiring screenshots above not enough? Got a thirst for more? Check these bad boys out - click on any of the images to enlarge: |
In conclusion... To point out all the cheesy, nonsensical, unintentionally hilarious moments in this movie would be as futile as John Candy climbing Mt. Everest in his boxer shorts. (Yes, I know he's dead - but I'm such a big fan and I figured he deserved a mention.) |
This movie contains the following chunks of wholesome goodness... Here's some content symbols for you to feast and ravish upon. For an insight into our ratings system etc click here. |
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Bad acting. |  |
Fashion suicide. |  |
Shameful special effects. |
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Unconvincing ass kicking. |
The score... |
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