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The made-for-TV movie that destroyed our faith in humanity.

Somewhere out there in the deepest, darkest depths of night... lives a man in a rubber suit, who kills his victims by touching them gently on the shoulder. Scared? No? I wasn't impressed either.

Welcome everyone to the dark, moudly, piss-smelling world of made-for-TV cinema. This is a creepy, murky place where the wrinkled dregs of movie history go to die. This is a graveyard of crap scripts and hammy acting. This is a world of borrowed footage, elevator music, and special effects so bad they look like they've been filmed in some spotty teenager's basement (and to be honest, many of them actually have.) In this sewer can be found the bubbling mound of puss that is Snowbeast. And my, what a wonder it is too.

This is a movie that's so good I managed to forget most of what happened by the time I'd ejected the DVD.

Centuries ago, Dante Alighieri famously wrote "abandon all hope, all ye who enter in here" in his epic about the torturous circles of Hell. These words of wisdom seem strangely prophetic as we venture into 97 minutes of foul-smelling boredom that's about as interesting as a three month seminar on the history of nylon.

The original cinema strap-line read "It's half-human, it's half-animal... it's a cold blooded killer!" Yeah right. And I'm the ghost who saved Christmas. Maybe I'm being a little colourful - there are, after all, worse things to happen to the world of cinema - Batman And Robin for example (if you listen carefully you can just make out the sound of Joel Schumacher weeping into his coffee.) However, you will be hard-pressed to find anything as dull or as embarrassingly cheesy as this.

It's cold outside...

Okay ladies and gentlemen, here's the plot: there's an ugly monster out there in them thar woods, over on yonder hill. Many gullible people go too close. Many gullible people die. And... that's it.

Really, it's that simple. Muppets Treasure Island had a more in-depth, twisting plot than this circus of bullshit.

Speaking of Muppets, the Snowbeast monster in this movie kinda looks like Animal. Perhaps this is where Muppets go when they retire?

Animal from the muppets.

The Snowbeast.
I can picture it now... Animal, being the rock n' roll drummer he is, hits the pipe pretty hard one night, wakes up in the middle of a snowy wilderness with an absolute bitch of a hangover. Hallucinating, he thinks the skiers are trained assassins like in the Bond movies, and maims them all in self defense.

Hell, that would be more plausible than the steaming mountain of shit we're faced with here. There are children out there that could write better scripts than this. For example, a line from the cardboard cutout this movie tries to pass off as a hero: Imagine the scene - having just witnessed first-hand the brutal murder of a dear friend, he approaches the local lawman, and with a casual look of moderate concern mumbles: "It wasn't a man! And it wasn't an animal!" Hmmm... what the hell was it then?! A fish?! A sock puppet?! Casper the Friendly Ghost?! A fucking Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle?! For Christ's sake.

Because of the overwhelming lack of plot or direction in this movie, they have to fill those 97 minutes somehow. How do they do this? An action sequence perhaps? Nope. A steamy sex scene? Nope. They fill in the gaps with... brace yourselves... reel and reels of borrowed skiing footage! Woo hoo! Because there's nothing more exciting than watching people slide slowly down hills! I'm not kidding here - of the 97 minutes there's about 64 minutes of blurry, grainy stock footage of anonymous strangers buggering about on snow. Over and over and over and over and over and over again. It's a nightmare that never seems to end. I'm willing to bet suicide rates rocketed every time this abomination hit the screens. It really is that bad. By the 20 minute mark, I was so tired of this bullshit that I started having homicidal fantasies:
Bow to our crappy Photoshopping!
Bow to our crappy Photoshopping!
Bow to our crappy Photoshopping!
So after some monolithically dull romance, several morons and a ski sequence longer than most prison sentences, we arrive at the death of the first sacrificial lamb - in this case, some hammy female actor to whom a gruesome death can only be described as an act of kindness. I can't remember the exact details of the scene, and I'm not enough of a sadist to put myself through the torment of watching this again. You have to wonder though exactly what (if anything) must be going through the minds of these morons in the seconds leading up to the attack...
"Hmmm... kinda bored. What shall I do? I know! I'll go skiing miles from the nearest civilization, towards that area where all those people went missing!" Darwin was right - the weak and foolish really are the first to die.

"Maybe I should take a buddy with me too, you know, for safety. That way if we get attacked by some monster, they can stand there looking confused and doing nothing while it chews out my guts! Hooray!"

The air goes still... a terrible howling can be heard... suddenly the camera zooms in... a man with a bear glove on touches our intrepid adventurer on the arm... and the screen fades to red! AAAAAGGGGGHHHHH! HEELLLLP!

You can tell you've stumbled upon a real gem of a movie when they can't even afford blood packets. Even I can afford blood packets. And I just write this shitty website for a living.

Gee Scooby! Footprints! I wonder what this means? Zoiks!

A look of mortal fear? Or a look of slight constipation - you decide.
When they find the location of the first victim's death, we see her jacket and scarf laid neatly on the ground - no blood (I refuse to accept the smear of ketchup they try to pass off as gore), no bones, no gooey bits of gnawed flesh, no tears in the clothing, or any further remains for that matter - hell, that would be scary, and we can't be having that now can we?! I wonder what the Snowbeast did with the skis? Toothpicks perhaps?

The discovery of these clothes leads us to the following conclusions. Either:

a.) She's gone skinny dipping in a nearby river and is confused as to what all the fuss is about.

b.) Realising just how crappy her wardrobe is, she throws down her clothes in disgust.
c.) She got eaten by a big scary monster / weirdo in a costume.

d.) She removed the clothing in order to put on the scary bigfoot suit she just bought from Pranks R Us. Costumed and ready, she wanders the hills of this crappy resort scaring the bejesus out of everyone, just to prove to the world what a bitch she really is.

What about our main character? A blonde, smug looking gumby with all the raw masculinity of a pair of fishnet tights. I've sat on sofas with more acting ability than this nauseatingly dull gibbon.

This guy's as exciting as a three hour lecture on the inner-workings of 18th century German cuckoo clocks, delivering lines with all the flash and fizzle of a UPS truck.

Talonous claws like these make pissing into a blood sport.

"Ah crap. How am I gonna to get these stains out?"
After 5 minutes of this bastard sucking the life force out of you, you can't help but want to do something more interesting... like go outside and watch your house bricks erode... or painting the ceiling just to watch it dry... or watching your fingernails grow... or staring at your own feet until you hallucinate... or dousing yourself with kerosene and lighting a match - just to see what happens.

How about some kickass music to help the scenes along?
Well, not so fast. With this being the high-budget, international blockbuster that it is, there is barely any real music - the only stuff they could afford is snippets from elevator music soundtracks, and pieces here and there from other made-for-TV-monstrosities that were smeared over our screens over the years like a snowstorm of diarrhea.

The only bit of actual music featured in this movie is a crappy rendition of Rule Britannia - a source of national pride for any Brit. Its very appearance in this shithole of a movie makes me want to grab a chainsaw and show them what true horror really is.

The sound effects aren't much better - the Snowbeast's growls are the sound of a lion recorded at the local zoo. When not in kung fu attack mode, our despicable monster makes the exact same sounds as the furry little Shih Tzu dog in the apartment next door to mine.

Cold blooded...

One of my favourite bits is where the Snowbeast tips a conveniently placed log pile on top of one of our dynamically dashing dickheads - despite there being ample time to get away (we're talking about 20 minutes here) he just stands there, mouth wide open, looking oblivious as to what's going on. Even the squirrels had the sense to move - but no, not our ultra-slick hero, who just stands there looking like a moron.

His imminent and rather untidy demise does nothing but bring a smile to your face. If you listen carefully you can even hear the poor bastard go squish. A close-up reveals a dollop of ketchup on his forehead; that's it then - he must be dead with horrific injuries such as these. (Our noble hero, however, is so damn cool that he doesn't let a mere technicality like death stop him from fidgeting about, and staring at the camera with a look on his face like someone just pissed on his shoes.)

Quickly his friends rush over to help, staring down at his crumpled, smashed corpse. "My God!" squeals the local blonde "Are you okay?!" Oh ho ho ha ha ha! That one had me in stitches for weeks. The only way they could possibly have made this scene any cheesier is if they had hero-boy suddenly leap up, sprint up the side of the mountain and shove one of those logs up the Snowbeast's big furry ass. Hell, that'd be worth the price of admission alone.

You can probably tell from the haphazard nature of this review that I'm clutching at straws here. I honestly can't remember 95% of the crap that happened in this abomination of a movie - remarkable really, considering I only finished watching it 24 minutes ago. I wasn't even drunk (though maybe that would've helped). All that remains in my brain is little snatches of action followed by inexplicable blackness - kind of like a coma, but with a lower budget. I can't remember the characters. I can't remember the actors. And there's no chance of remembering a plot, seeing as how there wasn't one. None of this matters. This film doesn't matter. All that matters is the 97 minutes that have been torn from my life - precious, glorious minutes that I'll never have again.

Fuck it. Here's some screenshots:

Tonight at 10:
When Ewoks Turn Nasty!

Beware: the logs of DOOM attack!

"Oh my God!
Are you okay?!"

"Fine honey, just a few life-threatening injuries"

The final battle!

One thing's been bugging me about this movie - this Snowbeast must have been around for hundreds of years, right? So how come it's only just started munching morons now? Surely in a place as dull as this, they'd notice the occasional homicidal killing spree?

Maybe the inevitable pile of rotting corpses would be a clue? Or the rivers of blood? Or the fact that in order to sustain a man-eating predator like this, the resort would have a death toll to rival Rwanda.

Or maybe these people really are that stoopid?

Anyhow, I digress...

After casually chomping on our local flock of fools for what seems like an eternity of poorly directed slime, our Snowbeast has our three hapless heroes cornered. I'd like to say that the end finale was exciting... or scary... or at least interesting. By now, after 80 minutes of film so boring that I found myself reading the back of a shampoo bottle, I didn't care who won. Hell, I wanted them all to die. The bastards! How dare they torture me like this?!

With the Snowbeast / cameraman charging at them thirsty for blood, ready to end their miserable lives with the Furry Glove of Doom, our three masters of disaster look screwed. That is... until one of them finds a conveniently placed gun amongst the logs. As to why they didn't use it to save their friend's life is beyond me - perhaps I wasn't the only one who wanted the incompetent wretch to die. (Incidentally, none of these people seem even slightly upset by the tragic death of their friend, even though it happened just moments ago - the sign of a truly great movie.)

The two remaining male heroes casually go about emptying a whole barrage of bullets into our furry friend, chasing after it with no emotion on their faces whatsoever, as if they were hunting a rabbit. Personally, if I was in a life-or-death fight with a ten foot monster that eats people for fun, I'd be a little scared. But not these people - balls of steel all the way. What's even more worrying is how all the bullets fired at the cameraman / Snowbeast seem to do no damage whatsoever. I'd be crying like a twelve year old girl in this situation, but not the Balls Brothers, who just stand there showing off their massive shoulders and seeming quite amused by the whole situation.
This is a generic shot that I had no real purpose for. It's just here for shits and giggles. And because it made my pet dog horny.
Most predators would charge on their prey, lunging for the jugular and going for a quick, messy kill. But not this beastie - he prefers to casually stroll towards his prey, giving them ample time to escape.

Having said that, the poor furry fiend's just eaten half a village, so I guess we can forgive him for being a little lethargic. Or maybe his half-assed killing technique is the reason for him being so grumpy all the time?

Having shrugged off enough bullets to topple an elephant, our moaning monster is faced with... a ski spike thing. You know - one of those things skiers use to make themselves go faster. (Oh sure, they have a name, but people like us wouldn't understand.) I'm sure the Snowbeast was terrified. Yet, one tiny stab from this wins the day.
A stab from one of those wouldn't even take me down, let alone a hideous creature that eats people like fat kids eat cake. Perhaps it was a magic lance sent back through the centuries. Perhaps the monster got a nasty infection. Perhaps it's just a gigantic hole in the plot. I wasn't worried - I was just relieved this dull, painful pile of crap was over.


The usual rogues gallery of crappy screenshots. Capturing these was considerably more fun that watching the movie itself...

A cold day at the gynecologists.

A horrifying gore shot, or simply the Snowbeast wiping it's ass in the snow? You decide.

Acne - the silent killer.

In conclusion...

Prince once sang that "suicide is painless." This particular instance of Death By Cinema, however, is about as painless as a toothy blowjob. From a shark.

After sitting through this dull, slow, meandering, boring, never-ending, tedious monstrosity, I can honestly say I know what it feels like to have a stroke. If you don't like skiing, if winter sports aren't for you, then I strongly recommend you don't watch this movie. If you love skiing, and winter sports are your life... I strongly recommend you don't watch this movie.

Snowbeast isn't incredibly cheesy, unlike other cinematic classics such as Troll 2 for example. This film is just dull. Very dull. With lots of dull moments. And lots of over-stretched moments. And lots of painfully tedious moments. And lots of dull, over-stretched, painfully tedious moments. And... well, you get the point.

I can't remember all that much about what transpired in this hideous adventure into cinematic dredge. Something about a love triangle, a skiing competition, an old lady with a face like the ass of Joan Rivers, and the feeling of time itself slowing down until it became some kind of mesmeric death spiral. To be honest I remembered more about reading the back of that shampoo bottle than I did this movie.

This movie contains the following chunks of wholesome goodness...

Here's some content symbols for you to feast and ravish upon. For an insight into our ratings system etc click here.

Bad acting. Big, scary monsters.

Embarassing-looking sci fi.

Morons. Vomitous, kissy crap.

The score...

5 bottles of Jack required to forget this film.
Infinitely more to forgive.

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Click here to see the barrage of other crap we have lying around