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Spring Break Shark Attack starring Bryan Brown, a bunch of confused teenagers and a few hungry sharks

Fake sharks. Fake blood. Fake smiles. Fake tits. Fake acting. Fake b-movie.

In his younger, more energetic days, God made mankind in 6 days, and then he rested. It wasn’t until now that he realised what a mistake he’d made, and sent a bunch of sharks to feast on the morons he’d accidentally left in his wake. And so 90 minutes of tame aquatic wildlife feasting on American retards with shiny muscles could be yours. Though I wouldn’t recommend it...

Spring Break Shark Attack starring Bryan Brown,  a bunch of confused teenagers and a few hungry sharks

It was a day like any other in the depths of English summer time.

That meant the rain was pouring down outside. Big time. Bear in mind this was right in the middle of the most dick-stompingly horrendous floods this country’s seen since Noah.

The BBC had just announced yet another flood warning as half of my home city was under two feet of water and the emergency rescue helicopters were being called in.

The road outside my house had just been closed because the force of the water running down it had literally uprooted a large tree and landed it on top of three parked cars.

Even the dogs were panicking, howling at the moon as if harbingers of some terrifying, apocalyptic tidal wave yet to come.

And then I get an email from the guy from Badmovies.org happily telling me they’re having a B-Movie Summer Beach Party and that I’m invited to join in the hot, sunny fun by reviewing a film with them. Thanks Andrew.
And so it begins...

The film I chose was the rather snazzily-titled ‘Spring Break Shark Attack,’ some rather inane looking piece of warmed over crap designed never to escape beyond the safe confines of a TV audience. Somehow this monstrosity ended up in my home like some crazed, machete-wielding rapist looking for a party. And boy did it find one. I’m actually convinced that the only occasion this film has ever seen the inside of a DVD player is in the homes of sad, pathetic b-movie reviewers like me.

In all honesty this has to be the tamest, lamest Spring Break movie of all time. Considering this is a genre famed for its unparalleled access to naked flesh, gratuitous sex, wild, mindless drinking and drug taking, extreme sports and the occasional visit from those pesky ol’ Chainsaw Swinging, Bikini Wearing Zombies, this movie fails to deliver on all counts.

The only boobs I got to see in this movie were a couple of buff guys in their 30’s who were too busy being half-naked and patting each other on the ass to actually do anything worth watching. Shit, there’s more T&A in National Geographic than there is here.

This film fills you with the kind of ass-fistingly intolerable boredom that can only be dulled by copious amounts of marijuana, gallons of beer, and maybe the odd line of coke snorted off a hooker’s arse. That was my reaction, anyway. Next thing I know I’m recovering from some untold drunken stupor with a headache so bad it feels like Andre The Giant spent the night having sex with my face.
Spring Break Shark Attack: We'll come back to these two fools later...
This pretty much sums it up...

That, and the painful, humiliating knowledge that I’d paid some anonymous Yankee bastard $3 to waste near 2 hours of my life – time that could have been better spent doing something creative like laughing at the poor or throwing water bombs filled with bleach at loud neighbourhood children - anything would have been better than this. This film is the cinematic equivalent of a battery-acid enema. Let me fill you in...

Yawn!

B-Movies are fun – everyone knows this, and especially in the summer. Nothing caps off a happy family barbeque better than grabbing a couple of cold beers from the fridge, then spending the next 90 minutes watching some of Hollywood’s more stagnant stools being butchered by midgets with chainsaws. When you’re dealing with a target audience where the average age is 15 and the average IQ is coincidentally also 15 it’s hard to go wrong.

And so in steps American TV station CBS with their rather... different take on the whole affair with their putrid effort ‘Spring Break Shark Attack.’ Now this one should have been easy – they could have given the project to a lobotomized, partially retarded child with a monkey fixation and it would still have been difficult to fuck up. But rest in peace, dear reader, for I am delighted to inform you that they fucked up massively.

Judging purely by the cover, it seems they hit the nail on the head: near-naked supermodel lies peacefully in the water while at least 70 psychotic, blood-hungry sharks circle around her. Buying this, you’d be expecting the bitch do be fish food in under 10 seconds. Indeed, with a title like ‘Spring Break Shark Attack’ all you need to do is throw in liberal amounts of the following items and you’re on to a winner:

Spring Break Shark Attack does this to people
This is what films like this do to you. And he was PAID for this...

  • Drunken teenagers venturing too close to the water
  • Some kind of funky government science project gone horribly awry
  • Boobies
  • An army of ravenous sharks munching through flesh
  • An uber-cool heavy metal soundtrack that nicely compliments the subtle noises of ravenous sharks munching through flesh
  • A horde of retarded teenagers who actually appear surprised by the fact they’re being made into chop suey by an army of ravenous sharks munching through flesh
  • Vast amounts of tomato ketchup, to really set the alarms of the gore police ringing when an army of ravenous sharks start munching through flesh
  • Boobies
  • Vast amounts of every vice imaginable – crack, booze, weed, catnip, the works
  • A dashing hero with bulletproof nipples who arrives just in time to save the day, all the while conveniently forgetting to bring his shirt. Despite his ridiculously oiled, muscular pecs both men and women alike will be awaiting the second this fruity bastard gets minced by an army of ravenous sharks munching through flesh. (We all need something to root for.)
  • An ever-so-slightly racist black comedy sidekick who exists purely to serve his intestines raw to any predator that happens to be around
  • Ridiculously large cannons that make shit explode before the trigger is even pulled
  • Napalm
  • Boobies
  • Rodney Dangerfield
  • Boobies
Hell, there’s plenty there for them to choose from. Simply combining 3 or so of the above elements would lead to 90 minutes of harmless fun that even the most demanding of morons could boner-up on. But not CBS. Somewhere down the line they seriously dropped the ball. They deserve credit for this too. When faced by the common threats of fun, imagination and profit, they threw such naggling tidbits to one side, instead electing to strip the genre of all that is good, choosing to inject our brains with what is basically an 90 minute shampoo commercial. This film isn’t beamed through the airwaves like the rest - it walks to your home, knocks on your door, waits for you to answer then pukes in your face.

After a second viewing of this atrocious shit-fest I felt not like I’d been entertained, but rather like someone had pissed on one of my children. I felt like I’d had an HIV positive drug dealer spit in my mouth. Instead of bothering with such scruples as fun, action and adventure, CBS have decided to lecture us all on:

  • Hazards to the environment
  • The war of man vs mother nature
  • The ever-boring threat of date rape
  • The fact that sex is, in fact, evil
  • You will only be popular if wearing the correct clothes
  • The merits of drinking in moderation, and
  • Partying too hard is corrupting the moral fabric of America.

None of this pesky ‘people being eaten by sharks’ bullshit. They go for REAL issues. Allow me, for example, to highlight to you perhaps the greatest scene in modern cinema...

The legendary hat trying-on scene!

Yes indeed folks. This is an entire scene dedicated entirely to 3 bubbly women trying to find out which hat one of them should wear before they hit the beach. I shit you not. That’s it. That’s all. You may laugh but this really is the film equivalent of Shakespeare. Honest.

The legendary hat trying-on scene in Spring Break Shark Attack is truly one of cinema's greatest
Forget such trivial issues as sharks and missing teenagers, nothing says 'let's kick some ass' like a pink hat twinned with aviators. But is this the look for her?

The legendary hat trying-on scene in Spring Break Shark Attack is truly one of cinema's greatest
What if she gets all the way to the beach only to realise someone else tried the same look? Not to worry! The fashion police are here! Cue the spinning panoramic camera shot! Woo hoo!
The legendary hat trying-on scene in Spring Break Shark Attack is truly one of cinema's greatest
"Girls, be honest now - does the straw hat, plastic sunglasses, blue bikini and denim shorts mix make me look like skanky white trash? Come on now..."
The legendary hat trying-on scene in Spring Break Shark Attack is truly one of cinema's greatest
After almost a minute of this life-sapping, soul-crushing blige an epic decision is reached - it's the pink donkey-looking number. Wow. Just wow.

The legendary hat trying-on scene in Spring Break Shark Attack is truly one of cinema's greatest
Of course, after spending an entire afternoon trying on hats, they hit the beach wearing... no hats at all. I'm absolutely fucking baffled. As always.

Isn't that scene amazing? I checked - you actually spend more of the film's run time looking at hats than you do sharks. I think you will all agree this is cinema at its very best. Seriously though, who the fuck wrote this shit?

It takes a true, indescribable genius to take a century of struggle over women's rights, the emancipation of a whole gender and the battle to see women as more than shallow two-dimensional objects, and turn that shit on its head in under a minute. I can just imagine the thought process on that one:

"Okay, so we've got people being eaten by sharks and lots of women in bikinis. That's the male quota all taken care of. Now we need to hook in the chicks. But how? Ah yes, if we throw in self-indulgent bullshit where the girls try on clothes, stare at men and generally jump about and giggle a bit, that'll have them dumb bitches swooning in seconds!"
Genius. Incidentally, the scene reaches it's revolutionary conclusion about 10 minutes in. By then I already wanted to puke.

A lesson learned...

Despite the infinite wonder of what is undoubtedly the greatest hat-trying-on-related scene ever, you just can't escape how preachy, irrelevant and dick-stompingly boring this film is. It gets worse and worse. Not only do they not show you enough morons being munched on by carnivorous predators of the sea, they want you to become a better person too. The shits. If all their pompous preaching were not enough, they also unintentionally teach you a great deal many other 'real life lessons' in this film. So it is with a certain amount of genital tingling that we present:

The CBS Spring Break path of enlightenment!

Thanks to Spring Break Shark Attack we learned that...

Spring Break Shark Attack Only beautiful people are allowed to go to the beach and have fun. Ugly people are arrested at gun point and locked in little cages until the sun goes down. Sometimes these hideous creatures can be seen lurking in the deepest, darkest sewers preying on the flesh of missing children. Spring Break Shark Attack Beef up all you want, but despite what Kalvin Klein tells you, women always go for the whiney, dull-looking bastard obsessed with flannel. It doesn't matter if you have the sex appeal of an Italian porno star, today's women want a nerdy bookworm who only feels like a real man in beads and plaid.
Spring Break Shark Attack Despite this being a tropical paradise, there shall be no surfing. Surfing is cool. Surfing is fun. Surfing therefore is outlawed in this movie; and anyone who dares partake in such an infidelic sport shall be fucked over by a shark. Maybe. Spring Break Shark Attack When animals attack human beings, we do not get pulled under and bitten to death. National Geographic and The Discovery Channel have been lieing to you all this time. This is CBS, and here when bitten by a shark, you explode on impact - the effect looks kinda like Godzilla farting underwater...
Spring Break Shark Attack Seeing women walking in the background dressed in bikinis is as close to porn as anyone ever needs to get. Remember: masturbation is a sin, people! Anyone undertaking in such carnal acts is a sinner – for every guy who wanks, God kills a kitten. Thankfully, CBS are preventing a genocide. Spring Break Shark Attack Young women should know their place. There's only room for one female with modern ideas and any free-thinking, independent personality in this film. The rest must conform to two-dimensional Barbie doll stereotypes, giggling mindlessly, sunning themselves and staying away from rational thought at all costs.
Spring Break Shark Attack If you have any ground-breaking scientific theories that might involve future threats like armies of psychotic sharks attacking people, then you must remain silent for fear of being laughed at. Chances are you'll also be ugly as sin, because the only sexy people in this world are morons. Spring Break Shark Attack Even the most painful and dangerously life threatening shark-inflicted wounds can be magically healed by dabbing at them a bit with a dish cloth.
Spring Break Shark Attack Sharks, despite being one of the most ferocious and kickass predators ever to ravage the Earth, can be scared away by dropping 1970’s style retro bubble machines in the water. Sharks, it seems, do not like to boogie. Spring Break Shark Attack New government safety laws have made it so that only two people over the age of 25 are allowed per town. This is for your own protection and for the sake of The Greater Good. The two are selected at random, the rest are rounded up and sent off to Iowa to be melted down for glue.

The two remaining old folk must conform to the following stereotypes:
Spring Break Shark Attack

Over-compensating creepy old guy who wants to bang anything with a pulse. His hobbies include looking bored, wearing shirts so bad they make Christ Himself weep with shame, and trying not to fall asleep during conversations. All this is in an attempt to distract attention away from his debilitating child porn addiction.
Spring Break Shark Attack
The mature 50-something, who only lives to shake her head in disgust at the shenanigans the youngsters get upto these days. Suitable candidates must have a face that has already started to decompose despite still being alive. The successful applicant will probably have a vagina that hasn’t seen battle since the Spanish Civil War.

Racking up corpses...

Normally when you watch flicks involving sharks and women in bikinis the best fun can be had by placing bets on who lives and who dies. That is also the case here, given that the characters barfed up onto our screens are so annoying, whiney and pathetic that death is the only welcome retreat from this cruel, never-ending embrace of insufferable bullshit. Closing my eyes and picturing these crappy, God-forsaken morons being bitten to death is the only thing that allowed me to suffer these agonizing 90 minutes with some semblance of sanity remaining.

Allow me, then, to share with you my projected odds. Feel free to place your own bets on which of this army of morons lives, and who dies. The answers are to follow, along with the surely gory deaths that snap them from this mortal coil:

Our wholesome yet completely family friendly heroine.
Spring Break Shark Attack: Our wholesome yet completely family friendly heroine
See that sunny sheen hovering around her? That's not sunlight. That's her halo.

I think her name was Danielle, not that it matters. In a movie as confused as this it's no wonder our main character has all the emotional depth of a used, discarded tampon. Normally this role would be aching for the kind of anti-hero female ass kicker who's quick to pack heat and save the day.

You know, something fun - something different. The kind who enjoys nothing more than laughing in the face of fear while headbutting sharks just to piss off any environmentalists that might be watching. That would be FUN wouldn't it? Wouldn't you like to see more of that kinda stuff?

Ha! More fool you, peasant! Nope, none of that here. Hell, that's what people WANT to see! Can't be having that now can we? Empowering women? On an American made-for-tv movie? Fuck that shit. Never gonna happen.

Heck, the producers here may as well have just put up a neon sign demanding 'hey bitch, get your ass back in the kitchen. And make me some pie!' After all, this film is to quality what steroid abuse is to testicles.

Ok, how about we appeal to our target audience and show the masses some sweater cows? Wait... that might upset someone. We can have terrifying flesh wounds caused by blood-thirsty murderous sharks, sure. But nipples? On a woman? Don't be silly. This is CBS! Such a moral outrage would surely melt the very fabric of Americana! Children would cry! Women would faint! Can you imagine the horror if this were to be used as an in-flight movie?! Surely such horrifying sights would cause the pilots to vomit with sheer outrage, causing the plane to fall out of the sky like a fucking dart. BANG! BOOM! 100 PASSENGERS DEAD. All because of nipples. No, we'd better save mankind from such morally debasing sights, and choose an annoying, squeaky, two-dimensional bookworm instead.

Controversy be damned. Public opinion? Screw that. Anything even slightly beyond the mold would upset people, which in turn would have squadrons of angry PTA Christians ringing with complaints in their droves. The sheer power of Christ alone would be enough to shut this one down should something immoral happen. Given that CBS is a family station this kinda makes things difficult - which begs the question as to why they bought a film about chicks being eaten by sharks in the first place. But I digress...

Ok, so we've established a strong female lead would destroy the very fabric of the space / time continuum. We've acknowledged that seeing boobies would be equivalent to handing over America to the Commies on a silver platter. So what are we left with? A harmless looking chick with all the depth of a kiddie's play-pool in a Rwandan heatwave. Someone fine, upstanding, who doesn't want to have fun getting drunk and partying with the mere infidels. She wants class, sophistication and to spend her time looking down on others. YAWN! This one has all the rebelliousness of a Britney Spears album with the volume turned way down. This one has the preachyness of an army of Bible salesmen but without the Hellfire and Brimstone, or indeed anything at all worth looking at.

Verdict: Our gal Danielle is probably the safest person in the movie. Why? Any shark stupid enough to eat her would probably suffer the same bullshit overdose as me and puke her back up like a used, dead whore at the side of the road.

Odds of mutilation: 5%

The bumbling, plaid-loving testicle.

The love interest doesn't fare much better either when it comes to setting the screen alight. He isn't even lukewarm for that matter. The sinister masterminds behind the scenes clearly had in mind the quiet, sensitive type who understands women's feelings and knows a great deal about women's fashions.

They obviously had envisioned the kind of guy who cries for Disney movies, enjoys talking about Jean-Paul Satre, and could possibly carry an entire conversation talking about nothing but low-calorie fruit smoothies.

However, somewhere in the nightmare mix of this film's production, this message went awry. Perhaps it was the hiring of monkeys with typewriters to work on the script? Perhaps it was CBS's reluctance to spend money on a real actor, instead opting to abduct a homeless guy from the streets, drug him and zap him with a tazer until he mumbled his lines.

Spring Break Shark Attack: The bumbling, plaid-loving testicle
This is the only facial expression our boy can muster. At first I thought he'd had a stroke - but no - this is just the face God gave him. Perhaps there is such a thing as poetic justice after all?
Perhaps it was just the insistence of a vengeful costume lady who decided to dress this goon like he gets hard fixing tractor engines. Whatever went wrong, there needs to be an inquisition. Heads should roll. He's meant to be charming, sincere - the perfect catch. Instead we have a man who stumbles around like the crazed cross-breed of Frankenstein's monster and John Candy's left nut.

Or perhaps that's the point? Maybe our bookworm female lead has tired of being surrounded by intellect after years spent locked in a dimly-lit library with nothing but her fellow troglodytes for company? Perhaps she's dumbing down? Perhaps this whole attraction is just a stunt so she can look better by comparison? Whatever the answer, I'm confident that if this were the Middle-ages, we'd all be throwing warm cat shit at this doofus for our own amusement. And he would thank us. For he is too stupid to know any better.

A note to female readers: men like this do not exist in real life. They used to, until mankind came to its senses in the early 50's and had them culled for the sake of human evolution.

As forgettable as this borderline retard's performance is, however, I guarantee prolonged exposure to his character will burn holes in your psyche. It's the plaid. That oddly transfixing yet deeply disturbing plaid fixation. No-one else in this movie wears it. Why? This goofy bastard hoarded it all, every stitch. Like a moth to a flame, this dude loves his plaid. His wardrobe consists of nothing but the stuff. Hell, he probably even has a plaid shrine in his bedroom to pray to. It wouldn't surprise me if he wanked over the stuff. No matter the time, the emergency, the peril, you can guarantee this prick will turn up looking like a skinny, baffled version of The Highlander. Sharks biting his legs off? He doesn't care! He's got tartan and he's happy! Entire village being decimated in a barrage of bloody water? He isn't worried - for he is attired like a reject chimney sweep from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang and no level of slaughter is going to stop him LIVING THE DREAM, DAMNIT!

Before we get on to predicting the likelihood of this moron's demise, a quick confession; I am actually scared of this guy. No, really. It's not his non-existent physique, or his fondness of dressing like a third-rate construction worker. It's not even the fact that his stubble is always exactly 0.715mm in length no matter the day, time or situation. It's those eyebrows. Just look at those things. Fucking terrifying, both of them. It's like a duo of cannibalistic, furry leaches making war on his face. It wouldn't surprise me if that were true, mind - he's too stupid to notice.

The verdict: I hope he gets it. For the never-ending, relentless plaid attorocities alone pal, you deserve it.

Odds of being bitten in half by one of nature's finest: 38%

The remarkably annoying boffin guy with the ridiculous nose.
Spring Break Shark Attack: The remarkably annoying boffin guy with the ridiculous nose
Don't worry, he's not really snarling at you. He's just got kelp down his trousers.

Every sci-fi / horror / disaster flick ever made since the dawning of mankind has one of these - the pimply boffin shut-in loser with The Master Plan To Save The Day. Of course, given the roots of this most hilarious of cliches, nobody will believe this harbinger of doom's warbled rantings about how truly fucked everyone is.

A legion of sharks ready to attack the resort? Bodies floating up on shore? Genocide with the next tide? HA! WHERE DO YOU GET YOUR FOOLISH IDEAS, BOY?! Of course, the mere technicality that he's the only one in the whole film who can read means nothing...

Not being one to stray into the seldom-walked paths of originality, CBS embraced this worn and tired concept with open arms, giving it the kind of warm and snuggly reception convicts give whores on their first day out of jail.

They don't just adopt this ridiculous plot device, they climb up and bukkake the motherfucker into a baige, sticky death. And then, this being CBS, they probably headed off to the hills for a nice spot of golf.

Other than to hatch crackpot notions that, naturally, nobody believes until it's way too late, our bespectacled sex-phobic serves no other purpose. He isn't even worth giving a proper wardrobe to, instead having seemingly turned up in clothes he found on the beach on his way to the set. The lazy fucker couldn't even be bothered to shave. Given that, his chances of survival are very low indeed. Even worse is the fact that once he DOES hit the water, his cunning plan to save the day involves... putting 70's style bubble machines in the water. And poncing about a bit. That's it. And not even those good bubble machines either like you used to get in discos. We're talking the Bargain Bin models you see in Toys R Us. Nice going, hero. What you gonna do for an encore? Light your own farts and scare off Godzilla? Moron.

The verdict: Boffin Geek Boy sleeps with the fishes? We can only hope. Next!

Odds of getting his ass munched on big time (preferably by a shark): 81%.

Beavis & Butthead.

Ah, what generic, un-inspired 'horror' flick would be complete without that ol' chestnut - The Homo-erotic Asshole Jock.

This movie decides to shoot from both barrels, giving us not one but two steroid-driven meatheads for our money. Wow.

The first is the blonde one, here to strut his manly, oiled physique while using a crappy 1980's style camcorder to get women to go nudie.

Surprisingly none of them pepper spray his bitch ass - that'd have been worth the price of admission alone. He doesn't seem too upset by all the rejection, however, because we know the whole pathetic scheme is just to hide the fact he's really scoping for boys.

Spring Break Shark Attack: Two pricks on a beach
It took me 15 minutes to animate this gif. I need to get out more.
Beavis, as I've nicknamed him, is here for a guilt-free death, pure and simple - the writers brought him to life in the script just so we can watch him die. Quite fitting then that he spend his on-screen time proving himself to be a twat as quickly and efficiently as possible. This raises the question though - how can we make him an asshole in under 5 minutes?

They came up with a masterstroke - by having him spend every second on camera half naked with his preposterous man tits gleaming in the sun, probably spending his off-camera time making creamy knuckle children over pictures of David Hasselhoff. This man deep down would rather be scoping for toned male ass while running seductively through the surf in slow motion with Belinda Carlisle blaring in the background. This guy's buried so deep in the closet he's in fucking Narnia. There's nothing wrong with this in itself, but it's a rather bizarre decision to have the bad guy of this movie as a confused closet case who probably spends 3 hours each morning perming his pubis. The silly git.

The verdict: The chances of him being attacked by sharks are high. However, when they do charge in he stands a good chance of surviving by grabbing his dick and skull-fucking the sharks to death. I don't know why but he just strikes me as that kinda guy.

Chances of Beavis being mauled like Aston Kutcher in an all-male prison: 93%.


Butthead on the other hand is a completely different kind of animal. Having gone all out, balls-to-the-wall with making Beavis the biggest asshole since Oliver Cromwell banned Christmas, the makers of this gem really had to work hard to top their initial effort. Topping a hilariously closet-bound moron like Beavis wouldn't be easy, requiring an all new, previously unseen level of breathtaking ineptitude to scale all-new heights of cinematic failure. Did they succeed? Of course they did. With bells on.

What we have here, ladies and gents, is a muscular male supermodel-looking doofus with the character depth of a hot puddle, who gets his kicks drugging women's drinks and then ploughing them in the ass for a while as they lay unconscious in a pool of their own druel. He's a real classy guy, this one.

This is all the more surprising given the way he looks - six pack? Check. Rugged good looks? Check. Good at surfing? Check. Hair so well-kept it would make even Italian footballers swoon with jealousy? Check. Having spent a lifetime perfecting these pleasing aesthetics, he then gives up all hope and takes a trip down Rohypnol alley instead. Thanks Butthead. I can just imagine a conversation with this guy:

You: Hey Butthead, you're always getting laid. What's your secret? What amazing chat-up line you use?
Butthead: Chat-up line? What the hell for? I just load up on the Rohypnol, comb my hair and head into town.
You: What?! You're saying date rape is the key to a woman's heart?!
Butthead: Oh sure. But every one in a while you get some arrogant skirt who think's she's too good for Rohypnol, so you gotta take the tazer as well...

What a fucking hero. Problem is, even with a baddie so morally dubious that even Satan himself would blush with envious shame, the retards behind the scenes still manage to cock things up. Suddenly for no apparent reason this whole thing suddenly turns into a mind-numbingly patronizing after-school special on the dangers of leaving your drinks un-guarded. It's no wonder this movie bombed. If aliens were to use this film as the only measure of mankind's success they'd probably scrap the invasion and use our planet as a giant urinal cake instead. The message here: Remember ladies, all men are bastards, so don't leave your Martini out of sight or baffled-looking jocks will run a train on your ass. I'm glad we can get such life-affirming messages from a film all about a bunch of losers being eaten alive by sharks. Thanks CBS. You're my hero.

The verdict: this silly bitch can't even get laid without the help of chemicals. From a strictly Darwinian view, it doesn't even matter if he lives or dies; he sure as hell isn't going to breed.

Chances of his ripped up corpse washing up on shore in Japan and being sold as low-grade sushi: 67%.

A group of moderately attractive slightly older women put in just to see if the waters contain enough carnivorous, vicious man-eating sharks.
Spring Break Shark Attack: A group of moderately attractive slightly older women put in just to see if the waters contain enough carnivorous, vicious man-eating sharks

Ok, let's think seriously about this one for a moment. Four bikini-clad women in their 30's floating about on a rather unsafe looking dinghy for no apparent reason, talking lots of bullshit, who it appears weren't even worthy enough to be given their own names.

Precariously placed here in the opening sequence of this monstrosity, they float around invitingly on the water's surface, kicking their legs enticingly, blissfully unaware of any potential danger while being hilariously unarmed and unsupervised. As fragile and surgically repaired as these dames are, I'd be surprised if even one of them had the upper body strength to swim, let alone fend off a bloodthirsty carnivore with a penchant for warm, rended flesh.

Seriously? Are you kidding me?

The verdict: SHARK FOOOOOOOOOD!!!

Chances of ending up being that annoying chunk of meat between the fangs of Jaws' grumpy cousin: 101%.


The results are in!

Okay folks - have you made your bets? Are you done choosing which of these unconvincing morons will make it through all 90 or so minutes of this arse-fistingly inane cinematic abomination? Are you as frustrated with these morons as we are? Don't worry - the next part is completely dedicated to their gory and disturbing deaths. Prepare to feast your eyes on all the splatter and boner-inducing death the inept and befuddled monkeys of CBS could muster.

Click on the relevant links below to witness the fates of these wonderfully retarded human lumps of shark-fodder!

Our wholesome yet completely family friendly heroine.
The bumbling, plaid-loving testicle.
The remarkably annoying boffin guy with the ridiculous nose.
Beavis & Butthead.
A group of moderately attractive slightly older women put in just to see if the waters contain enough carnivorous, vicious man-eating sharks.

In conclusion...

There are many problems with this so-called movie, as stated above. However, if I were to sum up my one overriding concern with this nauseating shit-fest of a movie, it would be this:

THERE ARE NO BOOBS IN THIS MOVIE! THE ONLY BOOBS ON DISPLAY ARE THE FUCKING ACTORS - THAT'S VERY FUCKING WRONG!! YOU INEPT,
MOVIE-RAPING, HOPELESS, CLUELESS, TALENTLESS, WORTHLESS CBS BASTARDS!!!

That is all.

This movie contains the following chunks of wholesome goodness...

Here's some content symbols for you to feast and ravish upon. For an insight into our ratings system etc click here.

Bad Acting. Childish, cuddly crap.

Homo-erotic sleaze.

Morons. Shameful special effects.
Vomitous, kissy crap.                

The score...



6 bottles of Jack required to forget this film.
Infinitely more to forgive.

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