Racking up corpses - the results are in!

Potential victim: Our wholesome yet completely family friendly heroine.
Odds of mutilation: 5%
Actual outcome: Tragically this frigid, fun-sapping, ball-tinglingly boring hag makes it.

Yes, it is indeed truly tragic but our evolutionarily inept, socially redundant wholesome heroine somehow seems immune to the charms of these flesh-craving, blood-hungry sharks. A shame really, given that watching her get torn into crimson, splattering chunks would have made the other 80 or so minutes of this cinematic tumor somehow worthwhile.

But no. It takes a brave and imaginative move from a movie's producers to actually have the balls to kill off the main character - qualities that are sadly lacking in the drooling, lobotomized gibbons that shat this cinematic monstrosity into the mainstream.

A shame. I'd have been willing to swim with real life flesh-eating sharks myself just for a chance to watch this infuriating bitch suffer and die. The impenetrable veil of red clouding my vision would have been replaced by rainbows and butterflies and unicorns and sunshine. But not. She lives on.

Did you honestly think she'd die? A tragedy really, given that posting screenshots of her being torn limb from limb would have made my belly tickle with pure, unbridled joy. Seriously - getting to see this irritating anti-whore snuff it would have resulted in me needing new underpants. Life is pain.