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Racking up corpses - the results are in!

Potential victim: Beavis & Butthead.
Odds of mutilation: 93% (Beavis), 67% (Butthead)
Actual outcome: Death comes to those who... erm... date rape?

For once, some good news people! BOTH THESE OXYGEN-WASTING, COCK-BLOCKING SHIT FUCKS DIE! And, rather surprisingly for this movie, THEY BOTH GET MUNCHED TO PIECES BY PISSED OFF, HUGE GOD-DAMN SHARKS! Power to the motherfuckin' people! Yeeeaaah!

Beavis's death came as about as much surprise as a Belgian wartime surrender, but it was enjoyable nonetheless - hell I actually yelped with delight when I saw his blond, shiny frame dragged under the water by a shark.

Well, when I say a shark what I really mean is a shadow underneath some swimming pool water with a bubble machine just out of shot. Despite this being one of the first and only recorded deaths in this graveyard of a movie, the producers were so strapped for cash they couldn't even rustle up a fake rubber shark to snatch our twittering gibbon with. Or even some blood sachets. Hell, even a couple of squirts of ketchup would have done, but no - no expense isn't spared in this true epic of a film.

Instead Beavis just makes some baffled, girly and hilariously non-heterosexual bitch noises before leaping unconvincingly to the left, followed by the kind of bubble torrent you normally get when a toddler farts in a bathtub. As far as I can remember they couldn't even be bothered filming a scene where shrieking beach-people find the body - budget constraints perhaps? Decency concerns maybe? Or maybe the cast gave even less of a shit than me and went home.

Butthead, on the other hand, is treated to a much more elaborate death. Well... perhaps 'elaborate' isn't the right word. Neither is 'suspenseful' or 'exciting' or 'scary' or 'satisfactory'. 'Wank' is the best word, having given it careful consideration, with 'crap-tastic' being another suitable option. Perhaps after wasting a third of this movie's agonizing, exhausting run-time with the nipple-twistingly dull date rape subplot, I guess the least they could do was reward us by showing the fake-tan lathered bitch holler, scream and die. Yes, patient readers, we get our wish - the silly bastard goes the way of Flipper and is shark food before you've even remembered why he's in the film in the first place.

Despite having found out that Butthead tried to drug her with Rohypnol and spend a long, steamy night putting his steroid-shrunken dick into every hole in her body, our heroine (Danielle was it? I forgot already...) decides to invite him along for the rescue mission anyhow. As to why she decided the talents of a homo-erotic date rapist would be useful in killing a reef full of ravenous sharks is anyone's guess. Perhaps he was to fuck them all to death, who knows? Or maybe throw some dialogue at them and put them all into comas? Ah who gives a shit.

Unconvincing boat-tippy-uppy-moment, Butthead goes flying. Splash. Panic. Squealing. Dramatic yet generic peril music borrowed from some other unconvincing straight to TV movie echoes throughout the scene. Large rubber shark less convincing than a MacDonald's Happy Meal gift toy floats into picture. Many bubbles. Butthead does something that many have been panic, but looked more like an 'O' face. A spoonful of red sauce. Game over, douchebag. Goodbye, good fucking riddance.

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