Troll 2 | TwistedEdge - Where Humour Goes To Die

Be afraid... be very afraid... even though there are no trolls in this movie...

If you take a glance at the cover, you'll see the thought-provoking strap line to this mess. "One was not enough!" I assure you it was. Heck, that's exactly what the world needs - another shitty sequel. One look at the cover and you can tell 93 minutes of pure masterpiece live inside this plastic cell. How could you not trust a cover that looks like Meatloaf on a bad day?! After watching this movie I felt like Tokyo after a Godzilla attack. Let me take you through it...

Imagine the scene if you will - a bunch of movie executives sit round a table in a smoke-filled room, plotting their next assault on mankind like something straight from a Bond movie. "Ok, so all we need is one more crap-fest, one more cinematic blitzkrieg to destroy the minds of these people. Then... they will be ours forever!" (I assure you these meetings take place. Hell, I've even been to one, honest!) "You know what can destroy morale like nothing else? Pointless seqels! Especially if these sequels have nothing to do with the original feature!" (By now I'm sure you're wondering if these people are the evil masterminds behind Friday 13th part 39.50?)

"I saw this movie a while back... Troll... my God it was awful. So here's the challenge - is it humanly possible to make a worse movie? Can it be done?"

It is my regretful duty to inform you that those evil, black-hearted sons of bitches did indeed take that challenge. And I am sorry to say... they succeeded. The shits.

Laugh or cry...

As you may be aware, often the most important scene in a movie is the opener - something bold and exciting to really grab the viewer's attention. It's essential to start with a bang. Does this movie succeed? Hmmm... we open with a shot of one of the rejects from Santa Claus The Movie running startled through the woods (I say "startled" but it comes across more like "mild concern" - see the pic to the right.) Why that look of mortal fear / confused boredom? He's being chased by goblins of course! What other explanation could there be?!

I was amazed; it took just 4 seconds for this movie to fall on it's ass and die. That has to be some kind of record. The first scene can really set a movie alight. This one burns down in flames.

He runs! He sprints! He ducks! He dives! He... trips over for no apparent reason, lands on his Elf ass and lays there a while. Next thing he knows, there's some beautiful princess / drama school dropout stood by him, ready to take care of him.

A victim of both goblins and fashion. The poor bastard.

Perhaps victim #1 was an elf? Santa will be pissed!

Plasters? No. Bandages? No. She offers him... green goo! Just what a growing boy needs! Cue some 80's trash-pop synth crap straight from the demo button of your local Casio Soundshagger, and a breath-takingly awful special effect that haunts us all through the movie - he bleeds green paint from his forehead! Ooooh!

I'm sure you're as terrified as I was. We get to see the goblins - who are clearly just midgets in rubber masks and brown sweaters - for the first time. And boy are they terrifying. At least now we know what Ewoks do when they retire.

Behold the enemy - midgets in masks!
Look, they've got matching sweaters and everything!

It turns out that this whole breath-takingly horrifying series of events is just a bed-time story read to a painfully insincere child actor and his sleazy grandpa. Good, because one more bone-chatteringly scary scene like that and I'd be pissing myself with fear. Or maybe laughter. Who knows...

But wait! Suddenly the bedroom light is flicked on and in walks child-actor's doting mother, concerned as to why her son is talking to himself. That's right folks! Grandpa wasn't there at all! He's been dead for six months! Ooo eee ooo... (cue Twilight Zone theme.)

This leads us to the following possibilities:

1.) the kid's crazier than Tom Green on crack.
2.) it's grandaddy's dead ghost visiting him.
3.) an attack from Freddy Kruger is imminent.
4.) there's a paedophile living in the closet.

I didn't want to watch any more of this film. I'd gone off it already. Which is quite an achievement in just 3 minutes of screen time. But hey, I'm willing to suffer for my art, so on I went (and suffer I did indeed...)

Bring it on.

The plot? Two families from different sides of America decide to swap houses, holidaying in each other's homes. As you do. Child-actor's family "the Waits" are off to Nilbog. If some family of strangers from over Yonder Hill and beyond offered me this trade I'd turn it down, along with the time-share in Bosnia and whatever other tomfoolery they were offering. Sexy name for a town, huh? I thought so too. Move over City Of Angels, here comes Nilbog! Have you worked it out yet? "Nilbog" is "Goblin" backwards! Eeek!

On the way to Nilbog, the kid sees all kinds of creepy shit. Firstly, his face starts leaking green and his fingers turn into leaf-spouting branches. Frankly I'd be more than a little concerned if that happened to me, but child-actor-boy just looks puzzled, as if this kinda crap happens all the time. Maybe southern country folk really are a different species after all? Maybe the budget for this flick was so low they could only afford actors with one emotion each? If that's not a big enough hint, Grandaddy-o turns up again, this time as some bearded hobo brandishing a sign saying "Stop Them!" You'd think they'd take the hint. But no.

Oh, and also thrown ass-first into the mix are child-actor's sister's boyfriend and his gang of randy dweebs. Seriously, it's like they rounded up the world's biggest dickheads and dumped them in this movie. Hooray! It's like a Who's Who guide to virginity...

Hicks in the wild; complete with a completely out of place olde worlde British chimney sweep! He's British - he must be evil...

Just look at those evil, beady, British eyes! He's upto something, you can tell! Soon he will blast us with his terrifying laser vision! RUN!

This is the point in the movie where they decide to throw in the clichéd inbred locals, who stand in rows and stare at people all day long. Notice the strange growths on the hick-boy's face? They're either:

1.) a figment of this kid's twisted imagination.
2.) a sign that these inbred trailer trash are really goblins underneath.
3.) facial herpes.

Just to help things along a bit, evil Brit kid throws child actor a baseball with a cryptic message on it.

EAT BEFORE WE EAT YOU??? Hmmm...

Gee Scoobie, I wonder what it means?! Zoiks!

You see, this town is inhabited by goblins! But not just any old goblins - super-evolved ones who can pass themselves off as people! Their plan is to eat this poor and intellectually slow family! However, they can't do so straight away because they're vegetarians. (I'm not making this up.) So, in order to get their way, they must trick our foolish campers into eating green goo. This splodge is the magic brew that will turn them into half-man, half-vegetable monstrosities that are edible to our vertically challenged chums.

Why do they choose to feast on people? They don't say. Why do they go to all this trouble, rather than just going to the local store and buying carrots? They don't say. Why concoct this elaborate scheme when they could just wander over to the next town and eat the unsuspecting hicks there? They don't say. Perhaps white trash taste worse than week old McDonalds. Or perhaps this is just a gigantic hole in the none-existent plot. Who am I to say? I've seen episodes of the Teletubbies that made more sense... Clearly the author of this shit was on acid, or assumed we all were.

Throughout the movie, those determined goblins keep dreaming up imaginative new schemes to make their newly arrived dumbasses eat the green gloop of doom. However it seems they had not accounted for child-actor and his paedophilic, life-impaired grandad. (Who, it turns out, possesses random magical abilities, bringing the script another step closer to Sabrina The Teenage Witch)

For example, the goblins lay out a welcome feast (of gloop) for the family. The kid thwarts them... by pissing on the food. (Again, I'm not kidding here.)

Death becomes them...

So the Ewoks-in-training try their hardest to get their slimy goo into the bellies of our intrepid travellers. And, for the most part, they succeed. Proving that only the recently lobotomized are allowed to appear in horror flicks. See below for a summary of three of the many pointless and unconvincing deaths that blight this movie like a family of wasps. That's right folks, let us teach you all with a series of low-quality, poorly animated .gifs!

There's more...

Finally he works it out.
The creepy, bug-eyed, crafty little shit burglar.

Finally, after a whole host of ridiculously cheesy attempts to make the family eat the goo of doom, the family catch on to what's going on. They get a little help though, in a scene where a bearded dude is zapped with a magic spell (courtesy of grandpa grope.) This summons some footage of lightning borrowed from the Discovery channel, causing the poor bastard to burst into flames (again, I'm not making this up.) When the flames are put out, we see the guy was infact... a goblin! Wooooo!

This leads us to the climax at the holiday home, where we are treated to footage of grown adults running in terror from costumed midgets. It doesn't get any better than this! WOW! There's running, screaming, fighting, biting, and even creepy flashing lights! (Well, at least someone turning the light switch on and off really fast...)

The final battle comes between the child-actor and the hag-like Queen of the Goblins (kinda like a really messed up version of Snow White.) Child-actor finds his way into the Goblin lair via a crack in the wall with a smoke machine behind it and loads of un-convincing flashing lights. And then... he gets touched by several midgets.

That's right people, I regret to inform you that the kid does not die. I know, it's heart-breaking. I myself was on the brink of tears, became emotional and had to be slapped.

The Waits win the day by... touching the stone walls of the lair and concentrating really hard. That's it. They don't explain why this works, but probably couldn't think of anything less spectacular and dissapointing to finish off with. The goblin's reaction is to... lay on the floor and vibrate. The Queen, to her credit however, does do a good job of melting into poisonous steaming goo.

Fortunately, this agonizing 93 minutes of crap wasn't a total waste - the family (other than the kid) all die at the end after turning into green goo for no apparent reason. I was very happy. After agonising for so long over their afwul acting and even worse hairstyles, I was glad to see the bastards die.

Screenshots...

Bleeding green goo and growing branches for fingers only has our heroic child-actor mildly concerned.	The sleazy, pseudo-paedophilic Grandpa. Just what a growing boy needs...	The sleazy, pseudo-paedophilic Grandpa. Just what a growing boy needs...
Line dancing's really lost it's zest.	You gotta love those drawn-on freckles.	"Hey kid, hold my sample!"

In conclusion...

While researching this molten gold droplet of cinematic mastery, I read that rather than using the cliched tactic of using actors, the director Drake Floyd simply rounded up the locals and had them read their lines. I mentioned earlier that this movie only had actors with one emotion each. Maybe I was being a little to generous when I called that one.

The editing in this movie is attrocious - people suddenly appear in rooms they haven't entered and dissapear again without leaving. One shot they're there then the next *pow!* they're gone again. With such magical powers, you'd think they'd be able to survive midgets with sticks. But no. I guess what Darwin said is true - the evolutionarily inept all die before breeding age.

So, did those evil movie executives succeed in brainwashing us into submission? Hmmm... perhaps. How movies as bas as this actually make it all the way to a cinema is beyond me. It's almost as if this were a spoof of other horror movies. But it isn't - spoofs are funny.

There's nothing worse than bad head.

This is just plain ol' retarded. I don't know how, but after watching this movie I actually felt violated. Oh, and did I mention that there aren't even any trolls in this movie?! Not even one! No actors AND no trolls. I can't help but think of the other wonderful things I could have done with the 93 minutes of my life I have wasted.

This movie contains the following chunks of wholesome goodness...

Here's some content symbols for you to feast and ravish upon. For an insight into our ratings system etc click here.

Bad acting.

Embarassing-looking sci fi.

Morons.

Shameful special effect.

The score...

to tell people about those funky little midgets in sweaters and the fear / laughter they induce.

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