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Michael Caine: This Is The Word Of Caine, Praise Be To Caine

Bartenders.

Sir Michael Caine Is Watching You

As you know I frequently travel the world, going from location to location while creating one cinematic masterpiece after another. My journeys often bring me face to face with a variety of different specimens... some wonderful, others interesting, and unfortunately most deserving of my ire. While in a pub of sorts, after ordering my refreshment I noticed a peculiar phenomenon. This bartender was a cunt. He carried an attitude as though he had been knighted by the very Queen herself, which he most assuredly had not. Then, I thought on it for a moment, and realised that this was not a phenomenon but rather a condition of all bartenders. Yes. You are all cunts.
Bartenders serve alcohol to their patrons and for some reason think they are Gods walking among men. My friends, you are no different than the young lad who furnishes me with my large order of chips at McDonald's. Bartenders are a breed that are always on their way to another career... "I'm just doing this job till I finish my screenplay", or "When my pilot is picked up, I'll be moving on". No-one aspires to be a bartender, and if you are the lone individual who has, then way to shoot for the stars mate. No, all of you bartenders who believe you are on your way to something better, and carry the persona and attitude of someone exceedingly more succesful, interesting, and talented than yourselves... should realize now.. that you are nothing but cunts.

When that unfinished screenplay falls to the wayside, and you are rocketing towards your 40th birthday... realise not only that you are a bartender for life, but a cunt as well. And ladies, those female bartenders-until-you-become-full-time-actresses, you are also cunts. There was a time when men flirted with you, not because you were attractive, but because they wanted their bloody beverage in a rapid and timely manner. Now everything about you says "past her prime". Your bartending skills have been honed to a razor's edge, but your acting skills (or lack thereof) never landed you a part (aside from a small role in a slasher film which forced you display your surgically enhanced bristols rather than your modest thespian abilities), and so you have evolved into a leather faced, hickory carved gargoyle... or better still, a cunt.

So get me my drink, and be quick about it cunts.

This is the word of Caine.

Praise be to Caine.


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