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Michael Caine: This Is The Word Of Caine, Praise Be To Caine

Michael Caine: Movie theatre bastards.

Sir Michael Caine Is Watching You

Many of you would be surprised that a pioneer of stage and screen like myself does not enjoy the occassional trip to the cinema. "Why" you ask? Bastards. The movie theatre has become a swarming ground for bastards.

Theatres, and to be more specific, movie theatres are packed to the rafters with bastards. That is why I prefer to take my film viewing in at one of my many palatial estates, all in an effort to avoid the aforementioned serfs.
While many of you below the poverty line are unable to enjoy the safety of my virtual ivory tower, I have complied a profile of the types of bastards you may meet on your travels, so you too may be able to avoid them. Below are a list of the variety of bastards you will most certainly find at any cinema:

The expert bastard. "Oh you have to see this movie in the theater!" Oh do I bastard? Frankly, I really don't. I own several High Definition Televisions that one, are larger than your home, and two, don't include your presence, you patronising cunt.

The gabby bastard. This bastard usually comes in a pair. They have no interest in actually viewing the movie they purchased their seat for, but would rather discuss an inane topic (usually focusing on their failed and irrelevant lives) with their bastard counterpart. Like all bastards in a theatre, they are selfish, but also borderline retarded as a coffee shop or stoop would be a better locale for their trivial and meaningless exchange.

The cell phone bastard. This is a modern day version of the gabby bastard. While cell phone technology is relatively new, the art of being a bastard is an age old tradition. The cell phone bastard has two minor variations. The first bastard is the one who forgets they are in a theatre, and doesn't shut off their telephone. Thus everyone's experience is momentarily put on hiatus until this infantile moron can disable the ringer, and hopefully the cell phone for the remainder of the film. The second bastard actually answers the device, and has a conversation during the film, and like all bastards who own cell phones, they have to talk at a volume that defies logic.

The play by play bastard. This is perhaps the worst kind of bastard. This individual spends the entire film announcing painfully obvious phrases like "Holy shit did you see that!?" and "Oh man that was great!"' or "I saw that coming from a mile away!" They must assume they are providing us some valuable service as no one else in the theatre could have possibly witnessed what they just did. Incidentally, it is for the protection of bastards such as these that guns are banned from cinemas.
The trailer bastard. Preceding most films these days are endless projections of coming soon featurettes that delay the inevitable beginning of the movie you would like to see, and the sheer torture you will soon experience at the hands of all of these bastards. The trailer bastard is an appetiser of sorts to the rest of the bastards. This bastard will defiantly announce at the conclusion of every trailer either "that looks great" or "that looks like crap", as if we needed their approval, or even slightly valued their opinion.

The shoosh bastard.
This bastard while meaning well, is trying to re-live their glory-filled Hall Monitor days by admonishing those around them for not strictly obeying the rules of said establishment. The shoosh bastard will verbally chastise anyone in breach of conduct in the theatre, often making far more noise, and creating a much larger disturbance than the original bastard had. In most cases, the shoosh bastard will set off the offending bastard, creating a situation that will often bring the film going experience to an end.
Turn It Off You Insufferable Cow
The "sorry I'm late" bastard. The lights dim, the curtain raises, the movie starts.... and this arsehole shows up. The sorry I'm late variety of bastard always makes their way into the theatre after the movie has begun, when it is impossible to navigate dark aisles without the assistance of echo-location, and always, always, always has to sit in your row and force you to rise from your seat, and miss precious seconds of the film. The "sorry I'm late" bastard will often evolve into the "excuse me I need to use the bathroom"' bastard, and force you to get up twice more at least before the end of the picture. I personally enjoy tripping this bastard. Watching them bounce like lemmings down a cliff is even more fun than fox hunting.

The newborn baby bastard. The attention span of most individuals maxes out at roughly seven minutes. For infants fresh from the womb (or bastard), that time rapidly decreases. So why bring your young child to a film that may last 2 hours (and heaven help us if it is a Costner movie)? Because you are a bastard. Moments into the film this gawky, bug-eyed little shit will begin trying to assuage their little bastard with soothing words, food, beverage, the eventual stroll up and down the aisle, out the door, back in, up and down the aisle once more, in and out again, until finally the child explodes into a screaming raging monster and the bastard must leave, not however before ruining our movie-going experience.

The sex bastard. Ahh, the young couple in love, exploring one another's sexuality, truly a beautiful thing. Except when that exploration is occurring 2 feet in front of me you bastards. Nothing is more disgusting than pair of genetically absent bastards who are unable to secure a private room and rather than choose decorum, attempt reproduction in the row preceding mine.

This tragic list of bastards could go on forever, as I'm sure there are a multitude of new bastard species now thriving in today's palaces of the moving picture. I however have chosen to bid a farewell, which is far from fond to the theatre that has evolved into little more than a denizen of bastards.

This is the word of Caine.

Praise be to Caine.

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