Click here to go back to the home page Click here to see our foolish and drunken attempts at humour Click here to read our humiliation of the worst cinematic abortions the movie industry has to offer Click here to see some of the most bizarre news the web's ever puked out Click here to see the barrage of other crap we have lying around
Michael Caine: This Is The Word Of Caine, Praise Be To Caine

"Truth" In Movies.

Sir Michael Caine Is Watching You

The cinema sometimes bends the rules that we cling to for the benefit of enhanced entertainment. In most cases those rules are shattered beyond reason for the benefit of... I have no fucking clue. Not that it really matters, because thanks to the money you spend to watch this crap, I can afford to build another villa in the South of France. For that I thank you, humble serfs.

My many decades as a deacon of the silver screen have made me notice many occasions whereby movies stretch the truth beyond breaking point. Below are just a few of the more popular scenarios and archetypes that leave us movie-goers all bewildered and confused...
Anyone can kick anybody's arse.

It doesn't matter how many years of hand-to-hand combat training you've logged, or that you are in Olympic-level athletic condition, on screen the odds are always even... and perhaps slightly stacked against you. The physics of a fight scene in the cinema are often skewed far beyond what we would deem realistic... and often dance into the realm of completely fucking ridiculous.

For example: An afternoon of Karate training under the tutelage of a borderline pedophile plumber is more than sufficient to take on those who have dedicated their lives to the art of Ninja combat. Sounds ridiculous? I just described the whole plot of The Karate Kid, which you imbeciles all went out and bought.

 

Michael Caine on that weakling David Caruso in Kiss Of Death

Physical conditioning, size, weight and reach are made obsolete on screen, which makes it easy to see why a 110 pound walking penis like David Caruso could easily man-handle a fitness addicted actor like Nicholas Cage, as seen in Kiss of Death. If two combatants square off, and one of them is brandishing a knife or other non-ballistic weapon, the unarmed individual will always win the fight. Similarly, if one of the two combatants is female, the fighter with the vagina will always win... especially if she is a soccer mom facing off against an ex-Navy SEAL. Unless said Navy SEAL is Charlie Sheen, then they will just have wild, free, unbridled sex.

It is wild inaccuracies like these that have film fans foaming at the mouth with anger. Mind you, none of the above stopped me from wrestling a two ton killer shark in Jaws: The Revenge, but the less said about that film the better...

The detective.

It is a well known fact that all detectives are sullen, brooding, relentlessly hard working, alcoholic, relationship challenged, avid smokers, addicted to one or more narcotics, currently engaged in some form of therapy (at their Department's request) and always under investigation by the Internal Affairs Department. In fact most of the above are job requirements necessary to make the grade of Detective, if movies are to be believed.

Perhaps the most essential part of being a detective is to always be at odds with one's own superior. The best detectives are always fighting with the Chief of Police, often surrendering their shields and piece during investigations (a motivational tool if you will.)

It goes without saying that same shield and piece will of course be returned upon successful apprehension of the suspect, with a firm and loving embrace from the aforementioned Chief. Maybe even a playful slap on the arse too, if Jean-Claude Van Damme is at all involved.

 

Michael Caine on Detectives in movies

As mentioned before, the most accomplished detectives are unsuccessful at forging and maintaining any sort of relationship. Detectives are always on the verge of a marital collapse, which in most cases is their second or third attempt within the institution. Their ambitious nature coupled with a touch of self absorption and a raging case of alcoholism prevent anyone (other than their partner - who is often killed while working together on the currently unsolvable case) from getting close to them.

Most often overlooked is the spawn of the detective. Detectives generally have teenage children who have just smashed through the wall of puberty and discovered a whole new range of emotions that include rage, anger, and of course resentment of their hard-working parents. It seems hair on the genitals is a license to be a complete and total cunt, which in most cases means hating the parent detective and possibly dyeing their hair green.

Fear not however friends. While the cases these detectives are currently working on may slowly driving them to the brink of madness, and simultaneously destroying their marriage, taking the lives of their partners, and strengthening their dependence with alcohol and narcotics, there is a silver lining. Their arsehole teenage children will always be swept up into the case as either a victim and/or suspect, and be saved by the parental unit they so despise... thus wiping the slate clean to lay the foundation for a new relationship... which will only collapse again once the detective is assigned a new case.

It is like the Circle Of Life, but with more nervous breakdowns and exploding cars.
Nuclear Nautilus.

In a post-apocolyptic Earth, after a hard day filled with pursuing gasoline-toting refugees, burning villages, and raping everything in sight (living or dead), it is difficult to find the time to make it to the gym. So how is a mutant cyborg barbarian supposed to maintain their peak physical condition while still providing the highest quality murder and rape on the job?

Fear not friends. Fortunately for those of you living in future Earth (the non-Al Gore version... and probably more than likely the more realistic probability), ample radiation, provided by the never-ending nuclear fallout, will be all the exercise you will ever need.

That is, according to Mad Max II and the thousand other identical copies the post apocalyptic Hollywood wasteland has vomited out over the years.

 

Michael Caine on Nuclear Nautilus

Just a few minutes of exposure to weapons-grade Plutonium is apparently like riding the StairMaster for 15 years. While this intensive physical regimen does keep today's mutant brigand in Jesus-like shape, it does come with some minor side effects that include hair loss, tooth decay, the aforementioned blistering flesh, madness, shortened life-span, shrunken testicles, and death. A small price to pay for firm pecs and ripped abs however. No pain. No gain. No rape.

"It went straight through!"

There is probably no better way to take down your opponent than with the use of firearms. However shooting a bullet is not always foolproof. If a bullet strikes an individual in a limb, that appendage is generally rendered useless, and a direct hit to the torso will most certainly fell our hero.

However, if the projectile manages to navigate it's way through the flesh, bone and sinew and emerge on the other side, it's intended target will for all purposes be unharmed. Often these "straight-through" wounds require little to no medical attention, while a wound that did not exit will bleed profusely until the victim dies of exsanguination. During a bad movie, the individual who experiences this phenomenon will often exclaim "it went straight through!". This declaration eases the concerns of friends and simultaneously delivers the verbal equivalent of "You missed!" to ones opponent.

All one needs to do is re-watch footage of the Kennedy assassination to know just how realistic such movie-inspired gems really are.

This is the word of Caine.

Praise be to Caine.


The whole Michael Caine range is lovingly reproduced with kind permission by those dateless wonders at BMK. To see more of their work and the barrage of other shit on show, click here.

Click to spread this via Digg, Delicious, StumbleUpon and all the rest of those trendy gismos.

Click here to natter on at us like an old wife.

Click here to banter, moan and other tripe in our guestbook.

Click here to go back.

And just in case any truly stupid people come across this site, no this isn't really Michael Caine writing this, you fucking idiots.

Click here to go back to the home page Click here to see our foolish and drunken attempts at humour Click here to read our humiliation of the worst cinematic abortions the movie industry has to offer Click here to see some of the most bizarre news the web's ever puked out

Click here to see the barrage of other crap we have lying around