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Stealing our pride and kicking our arses: Irish women.

The casual observer here would probably brand me the world's biggest shit for standing up against Irish women like this. There's probably an army of angry feminists out there waiting in line just to kick my chauvinist ass. Well all you over-reactionary morons out there should just calm down for a moment. Yes, Irish women are our nominated dickheads this time around. They win the prize, sure. But it's not because I'm some kind of crazed bigot or something. It's because I'm jealous. Jealous like a spoilt child. I'm so jealous I could cry.

The reason for this latest teary temper tantrum? I've read The Daily Mail's report "Only Irish women binge drink more than the English."

That's just not fair! How dare they do this to us?! Binge drinking was the only thing us English had left! Getting shitfaced was the only thing we did best. Alcohol poisoning was our national passtime. Liver failure used to be a badge of honour in this country, but not any more! You fuckers!

Drinking is a source of pride here in England, and is the answer to all our problems. And until now, it worked! Being bombed by the Nazis? Drink until you can't hear the air raid sirens any more! That'll show the bastards! Wife leaving you for another man? Drink yourself into an ethanol-induced coma, and she'll feel so bad she'll come running straight back into your arms! Some guy looking at you funny? Drink until the angry voices in your head out-number the sensible ones, then go and lamp the fucker. And when they bring you up before the judge, you can claim yourself mentally incompetent to stand trial! Perfect!
As you can see, we had it made. Beer is the perfect solution! But now these Irish women are undermining centuries of hard work! Do you people have any idea how hard we worked to cement ourselves this glorious binge drinking reputation?! People died, damn it! According to the report:

"One in three 17 to 30-year-olds is now classed as a heavy drinker, bingeing on four or more units in one session at least once a fortnight. That puts them second in an international league of shame, with only Ireland having a bigger problem."

This is what really gets me though. It's bad enough that we've been stripped of our title, but the measures involved here are way off. So if you drink more than four units of alcohol that makes you a binge drinker? A decent can of lager has 2.2 units. So if I drink two cans in the same day I'm an irresponsible, out of control binge drinker? Shit, if that's the case then I haven't been properly sober since 1993! Let me get this straight - I'm only allowed one can a week otherwise I'm a drunk? For fuck sake, people. Get real here. Even Buddhist monks drink more than that!

A productive night out.
"Professor Steptoe also found that a quarter of English men binge drink. However, this did not put England near the top of the male league table, which is also topped by Ireland, with a figure of 49 per cent."
That's slanderous! What kind of Englishmen was this guy surveying? Catholic priests? Nuns?! I also refuse to believe that the Irish drink twice as much as us. Yeah sure they brew the Guinness there, but twice as much?!

See, this man is drunk. Doesn't he look happy?
If this troubling news is true, then this is a shame upon our nation beyond words. Immediate action needs to be taken, right now. People of England! I hereby demand that you all rush out and get rat-arsed immediately! For the sake of national pride!

"The number of women needing hospital treatment after binge drinking has doubled in five years, with some being so intoxicated that they are in a coma when they arrive."

The authors of this make it sound like this is incredible news, like this kind of thing is unheard of. Granted, the tea-sipping Southern ponces who write for this paper probably don't see much of the real world from their castle on the hill away from the common serfs, but come on guys. Get real. That's not extraordinary! That's just a good night out!

"Other recent research has shown that more than half of all violence in the UK is fueled by binge drinking."

Now come on. Even I, the crown prince of slow-minded dickheads, knows this to be total horse shit. Are The Daily Mail seriously trying to suggest that if all the booze were suddenly to dry up, that people would be 50% nicer to each other? Are they honestly saying that taking away our beer would suddenly render obsolete the male desire to hunt, kill and smash things? Bollocks.

That's not because of alcohol mate. Women in this country are just fucking crazy. It's a fact of life. Is that why us guys are drinking so much? Just to cope with this shit? Hey! I'm not saying that! I'm just asking! Stop screaming at me! (Although everyone reading this knows I'm right...)

Because we humble Englishmen have allowed ourselves to be disgraced by an entire nation and an entire gender at the same time, we really should be awarded the dickhead award.

However, such an act would require integrity and honesty from me, and that's really not why I'm here. It's not that we've become a nation of shandy-sipping ponces, honest! It's all the women's fault! Irish women! Yes - damn them!
So I guess the dickhead award goes to... English Men, Irish Women and the writers at The Daily Mail, who all together conspired make people like me look like lilly-livered little sissys.

You fuckers.

Also interesting...

According to this trustworthy source we Englishmen may even be at risk of being caught up by the Japanese of all people.

"Japanese are incorrigible about havening their fun under the Sakura cherry blossoms. It is truly their “gods given right” to get drunk, vomiting and naked this time of year—this is what the Shinto gods do. Tokyo’s national museum mall, Ueno Park, will sound like roar of ten baseball stadiums when it’s full of drunks drinking under the cheery trees for the next two weeks."

Now that sounds like lots of fun to me...

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