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Paris Hilton: Hollywood Barbie.

It takes a lot to win the coveted TwistedEdge dickhead award - it's not like we give this shit away to anybody except those special little people truly worthy of such praise. But some people are just born for such accolades - one such lobotomized gibbon is Paris Hilton, known herein as Hollywood Barbie.

So worthy is this spoilt little brat of a millionaire, that even our insane rants here aren't enough to disgrace this monstrosity upon the human race. What we really need is a Howitzer. Or maybe a herd of stampeding buffalo. Or maybe a ground-to-air missile launched right up her surgically enhanced ass.

Or maybe she should be tied up and drowned in a pool of her own perfume - giving her a taste of exactly how the rest of the world feels about her, a so-called 'fashion icon' with the dress sense of a 150 year old woman after her 18th stroke.

Let's break this down - yes, Paris is famous for being the millionaire grand-daughter of Barron Hilton, the dude who set up the famous Hilton Hotels chain. Which means that she inherited more money than the likes of us mere mortals will ever see in our dusty little lives, simply by exiting a woman's vagina. Nobody pays me when I do that. It's so unfair!

Yes she's become a "musician" and an "actress" in the last couple of years. Big deal. We all know her fame came about not because of her artistic accolades (which, face it, are non-existent) but because she sucked a cock on film and her ex-boyfriend put the video online. That's right folks - Paris Hilton, this so-called A-Lister, got to fame by swallowing. The thing is - you already know this. I'm guessing that's why you're here.

A lot of people call Paris Hilton nasty names like "slut" or "whore" or "disease carrying anal-dwelling butt monkey that sucks up cock like Axl Rose sucks up crack cocaine" (probably.) According to the irrefutable shrine of knowledge that is Wikipedia:

"In an interview with TMZ.com's Harvey Levin, Hilton read thousands of comments by TMZ users. The comments were, for the most part, negative and focused on her public image as a partying rich girl. Hilton referred to the comments as "mean and sadistic". The comments included, "Paris is just an oversized human condom", "Paris is like a fart in a mitten. You know it's there, you can't stand it, but you can't get rid of it", and "Would you please drop over dead or commit suicide you damn slut." Hilton defended herself by noting that she is "far less promiscuous than any of [her] friends". Hilton also commented on her famous sex tape, saying that she is "judged because of something that an ex-boyfriend did" and that she is "not a slut at all". Hilton said some of the comments made her cry. "They think I don't have any feelings.""

I like the line about her being "not as promiscuous as her friends" - good defense there, Paris. Next time someone comments on me sleeping around a bit, I'll use that defense "hey, you should see what my friends get upto - they're the real whores!" What I want to know is, who the hell has Paris been associating with that make her look saintly in comparison? Cock Jugglers Of America? Is she part of some obscure Babylonian Sex Cult or something?! Think I'm being unfair here? Well, other than posing for Playboy, being famed for taking massive cock on film and for getting her tits out every time the wind changes, she's also been in sexual relationships with (at least) the following in the last 12 months:
  • Leonardo DiCaprio
  • Chad Muska
  • Vincent Gallo
  • Edward Furlong
  • Oscar De La Hoya
  • Brian Urlacher
  • Deryck Whibley
  • Nick Carter
  • Matt Leinart
  • Joe Buckton
  • Mark Philippoussis
  • Robert 'Millsy' Mills
  • Brandon Davis
  • Lucas Bain
  • Eli Manning
  • Jose Theodore
  • Kevin Pietersen
  • Simon Rex
  • Jason Shaw
  • Paris Latsis
  • Stavros Niarchos III
  • and Christ only knows who else...

 

 



It's not the fact that she so regularly takes one for the team that really qualifies her for this award, however. The reason she pisses me off so much is because despite having the intelligence of a particularly slow hamster, despite being perhaps the most talentless "celebrity" ever to disgrace the gossip pages, she still hits the headlines more often than the real actors or musicians out there that actually have talent.

How about a quick comparison to whet your appetite:

Paris Hilton.

Hollywood Barbie.
Paris Hilton versus Hollywood Barbie: The Epic Showdown!
  • A Barbie doll is inanimate and stupid.
  • A Barbie doll is cheap and tacky.
  • A Barbie doll is made mainly of plastic and silicone.
  • A Barbie doll can often be found naked, usually discarded on some bedroom floor.
  • A Barbie doll is by no means unique; there are millions of identical copies worldwide.
  • A Barbie doll can be bought cheaply and discarded just as easily.
  • A Barbie is an investment; once you have one you're forever buying it clothes.
  • A Barbie doll is a 100% fake copy of a real woman.

Am I describing Barbie there, or Paris?

Even the Guinness Book Of World Records agrees with me, listing her as the most pointless celebrity in the world. It's official - out of every noteworthy person currently walking the planet, out of all 6 billion inhabitants this world has to offer, Paris Hilton is officially the most useless. Cheers Paris.

It is with great pride that we at TwistedEdge hereby present Paris Hilton with the prestigious dickhead award. Well done Paris! Congratulations!

I'm sure she's very proud...


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Click here to see the barrage of other crap we have lying around