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Pete Doherty, the music industry's favourite baffled loser.


If only puking up in your mouth were chic...
One of the best ways to find your face here upon this rogues gallery of fuckups and random clueless dickheads is to rise to international fame and notoriety without any noticeable talent, ability, contribution to society, or reason for living. A glowing testament to this is Pete Doherty, the crack-addled moron behind bands The Babyshambles and The Libertines. Despite the mediocrity of these bands, however, Petey finds himself constantly inside the headlines, inside rehab centres or inside of fellow crack addict and fuckup Kate Moss.

Most burned out junkies would be forced to mug old ladies and steal car stereos to feed their pathetic addictions. But not Pete. He has millions worldwide throwing cash at him, just so he can wipe his ass with the rules of society, appearing on yet another front page passed out in the corner, covered in crusted vomit, having shat his pants.

The reason for his rise to fame is not because of his supposed talent, or his notoriety, or because he's branded "a tragic figure" by the gutter press. It's because the world loves nothing better than to laugh at this dancing clueless fuckwit, as he once again humiliates himself in the public domain, blissfully unaware he's dancing like a puppet on a string.
In days of old, he'd be in a bright green velvet Jester's outfit having pies and animal shit thrown at him for the sake of public entertainment. Wait... that's what happening right now! Whoa! Cool! That's like so... trippy. Pass the pipe, dude.
Pete Doherty is a loser for the new millennium. Forget the drug-addled excess of 80's hair metal. Forget the suicidal drug addiction of 90's rockers like Kurt Cobain. The former champions of bodily abuse were Guns N Roses, but their exploits have been rendered innocent and childish in comparison.
Forget the likes of Axl Rose, who recently decided to attack Tommy Hilfiger because he was on so much crack he could see sound. (The notoriously effeminate gay fashion designer, incidentally, kicked Axl's ass.) Forget Duff McKagan, who famously drank so much booze his pancreas literally exploded. Forget Slash who as well as smoking crack, had a pre-show tradition of drinking an entire bottle of Jack Daniels, washed down with at least 24 bottles of Budweiser. Slash would then take a bottle of extra-strength Black Death vodka on stage with him, just for kicks. All that is old news for old music. Pete Doherty takes things to the next level, because he's so fucking cool. He's such a great guy. Whereas the likes of GNR appeared rebellious because of their excess, Pete Doherty comes across as... well... a bit of a twat.
What really pisses me off is how despite his constant drug abuse, despite the fact he's been arrested more times than Tupac Shakur, Charlie Manson and Mike Tyson put together, he's still allowed to roam the streets. According to AddAction.org.uk (which, since time of writing has sadly closed,) a leading UK charity working solely in the field of drug and alcohol treatment, me or you would get 7 years in jail for even being caught with heroin. For dealing to others (as Pate has been accused of on many occasions) me or you would get life imprisonment. But not pete. He's special. Because he's a "celebrity" he gets off with a fine and a playful smack on the ass.

Mmmm... healthy...
For instance, in February 2005 he was sent down for assaulting a photographer who'd taken snaps of him being the heroin injecting waster he is. Doherty doesn't even bother to protest his innocence.

Rather than actually punishing him like a criminal (which he was) the judge sets bail and... you'll be shaking in fear at the very mention of this harsh punishment... a 10pm curfew. That's not a sentence for assault and drug abuse! That's punishing a nine year old girl for staying out too late! And get this - the judge then lifts the curfew so Petey can perform with his band!

Like the fun-loving hero that he is, Pete immediately goes and scores drugs, making sure he's completely off his tits for all the world to see. Then, as soon as he gets on stage that night, he attacks a member of his own band. This starts a full-scale riot. Nice one Peter.
After being promptly arrested he was sent straight back to court, but no charges were brought forth due to "insufficient evidence for a realistic chance of prosecution." Interesting, considering he did these crimes in front of thousands of people, on live TV. The dick.

Pete is such a great role model for today's youth. You can just imagine parents of the world trying to keep their kids on the straight-and-narrow with such wisdom as:
"Hey Billy, don't do drugs! Drugs are bad! You don't want to end up like Pete Doherty, do you? Heroin did nothing for him. What's he got? Other than the mansion... the millions of pounds in earnings... and the international fame... and the supermodel girlfriend... and... oh fuck it. Here's £20, go fetch me some smack."

Where the hell did Pete Doherty come from anyway?! What the hell happened to him that would turn him into such a deranged loser? Was he raped by a family of guerillas as a child or something? Perhaps his mother had an abortion, which was somehow resurrected by a satanic voodoo cult, bringing to life this pale-skinned zombie to drink the lifeblood of society?

Further reading suggests that Doherty's father is a well respected army officer. Wow. I bet Daddy is really proud of his dancing fuckwit of a son.

At time of writing, Doherty has been involved in 26 separate scandals and criminal acts since the beginning of 2005. That's more than one per month. It takes skill to be this much of a dickhead. How this man actually finds time to sing is beyond me. Wikipedia even has an entire page dedicated to the many mishaps of this moron. Even the famously drug-addicted Rolling Stones didn't get this star treatment.

It's for this reason, and the countless reasons above, that Pete "which country am I in?" Doherty takes the gold and wins our rather funky dickhead award.

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