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Real party poopers: Saddam Hussein & Jalal Talibani.

Ah yes, in what is bound to be the biggest story of the year, everyone's favourite mustachioed genocidal dictator finally got his candles snuffed out, after spending the last couple of decades randomly killing people and showing the world what a generally evil motherfucker he was. When it comes to listing nasty little shits of history, Saddam's probably right up there with Hitler, The Klan, Genghis Khan and Margaret Thatcher. Yes indeed - when it came to macho murderous dictators, Saddy was definitely not a man to be fucked with. Some fun facts about Saddam for your amusement:

Dujail, 1982: Saddam and his band of merry ass-bandits decided to visit the town of Dujail to show the people there what a sunny, smiling kinda guy he was. Saddy was a little agitated, however, when a group of militants shot at his motorcade. In the interest of fairness, he had all 1500 inhabitants rounded up, locked away and tortured. The whole town was burned to the ground, and knowing what a fun-loving chap Saddy was, he probably wiped his ass with the ashes. What a guy.

The Anfal Campaign, 1987-1989:
Not content with the joy and jubilation of his actions so far, Saddam decided to wipe out the entire Kurdish race for laughing at his funky moustache (probably.) So he sent in 200,000 of his mates to raze the place to the ground, massacre all the men and throw the women and children into prisons. We're talking the full shallow grave treatment here; 182,000 lost their lives, after which Saddam probably strangled kittens as an encore.
Normally the bloody genocide of hundreds of thousands would be enough, even for the most crazed of dictators. But not ol' Saddy - he was just getting warmed up. Pissed that the likes of Hitler and Satan were still stealing the limelight, Saddy decided to up the ante...
The Chemical Weapons Escapade, 1987-1988: 'Guns, knives, hellfire and brimstone are for poofs' declared Saddam. 'Real men use nerve agents!' And so the late 80's became the time in Iraq where it literally rained Mustard Gas upon at least 40 Kurdish villages. (Mustard Gas, for the uninitiated, causes massive, unbearably painful blisters on the skin, causes the eyes to swell and bleed, and turns lungs to grease paper.) 5000 men, women and children died slow painful deaths, 10,000 lived but remain forever disfigured. Saddam then probably took a nice warm shit on the Karan too, just for good measure.

The Kuwait Invasion, 1990: Being a genocidal maniac can often be rather expensive, as Saddam found out. His Iraqi nation owed Kuwait a shitload of money, but paying back debts is good behaviour, and therefore made Saddam's icy, evil, black little heart boil with rage. So he decided an all-out war and invasion would be cheaper. 'What better way to show the world I mean business' reckoned Saddam 'than to bomb the living shit out of everyone.' So he did. Thus became Gulf War I. As the icing on the cake, he ordered the burning of 10,000,000 oil barrels, forever fucking up the environment so bad that now even God has asthma.

The Marsh Arab & Shiite Genocide Adventure, 1991: Having managed to piss of the entire world with his exploits, and having done enough random evil to give Satan a hard-on, Saddam prepared for his grand finale. (I think says it best):
"At the end of the Persian Gulf War in 1991, southern Shiites and northern Kurds rebelled against Hussein's regime. In retaliation, Iraq brutally suppressed the uprising, killing thousands of Shiites in southern Iraq. As supposed punishment for supporting the Shiite rebellion in 1991, Saddam Hussein's regime killed thousands of Marsh Arabs, bulldozed their villages, and systematically ruined their way of life. The Marsh Arabs had lived for thousands of years in the marshlands located in southern Iraq until Iraq built a network of canals, dykes, and dams to divert water away from the marshes. The Marsh Arabs were forced to flee the area, their way of life decimated. By 2002, satellite images showed only 7 to 10 percent of the marshlands left. Saddam Hussein is blamed for creating an environmental disaster."

Way to go, Saddam. Short of killing Jesus and bringing the world into eternal darkness, I think you may have overdone it on the whole Evil Twat scale. "Yours is a society which cannot accept 10,000 dead in one battle," said Hussein one day, just to show the world how much he valued his people. All kisses and hugs, this guy.

"Remember the valiant Iraqi peasant and how he shot down an American Apache with an old weapon," he declared one time, probably while throwing hand grenades at the poor, and pissing on some freshly-dug shallow graves.

The fact that Saddam's made it into the hallowed Dickhead Of The Month list surely won't surprise anyone. He was the humanitarian equivalent of genital herpes. But what you may be wondering is... why Jalal Talibani?

Jalal Talibani - he's the President of Iraq, in case you didn't know (and he has nothing to do with the Taliban, despite the surname) - is the man in charge. Therefore, the amount of power and influence he will have had over the whole execution of Saddam affair will have been immense. Let's face it - there wasn't a cat in Hell's chance of Hussein ever being let out.

So why hold a trial? To show the world Iraq's new 'fair' justice? If that's the case, however, then why hang the flabby, bearded tit? They should have shot him when they found him. And then probably taken it in turns shitting all over the corpse, just for good measure. (I'd personally also have cut of his dick and balls and sold them on eBay; no doubt some rich, eccentric fuckbag would love to have those on their mantlepiece.)
Instead, Jalal's people decreed that a trial take place - and so began the world's slowest and most boring show-trial ever, costing the people of Iraq tens of millions. It made the Michael Jackson nonsense look shiny and streamlined in comparison. Even OJ's trial was better than this. Let's face it, Iraq's citizens have been going through a bit of a rough patch as of late, with them being constantly being bombed shitless and all. But rather than re-building their homes and giving the people back their lives, Talibani decides to put the dancing dictator in a blingin' suit and let him run his mouth.

Even the people of Iraq were bored shitless with the trial; unsurprising considering the TV people turned off the sound, just in case anyone watching heard Saddam's words and decided to go Jihad on our asses. With all that money and time wasted - they should at least have had fun once the trial was over. Why not have a fucking blast? If I'd spent tens of millions of my money, I'd be expecting one hell of a party - at least throw in some fucking beer!

The biggest fuckup of all was their decision to hang Saddam in the middle of the night when nobody was watching. Think about it. The man's committed countless atrocities. His actions make Charles Manson and Ed Gein look like crybaby sissies in comparison. Having captured the world's imagination, the Iraqi authorities lead by Talibani should have put on a real show. I'm talking dramatic music, live opinion polls, a huge and highly advertised date and time, and just for kicks, how about slow-motioion instant replays? How about putting a tiny microphone in the noose so that the millions of captive viewers can actually hear the moment the neck snaps? Now that would be fun.
This is just the tip of the iceberg here - other things that could have been done to make the whole charade more interesting include:
  • Having dancing girls in skimpy bikinis parading about the gallows as a pre-show warm-up. They could hold up score cards and everything, maybe even pull off a few cartwheels and backflips to entertain the crowds. That'd heat things up a bit.
  • Having some guy called Marv in the audience selling peanuts, rotten fruit and amusingly shaped vegetables to throw at Saddam at the crucial moment.
  • The same as above, but with shurikens. (Because, let's face it, shurikens fucking rule.)
  • Before the hanging took place, how about letting the children have their fun by playing the party favourite 'queue up to kick Saddam in the nuts?'
  • While Saddam's hanging, how about letting the kids use him as a rope swing? That'd be fun. A true golden Kodak moment.
  • A true master of showmanship would have had a warm-up before the main event. How about hiring a comedian for pre-show entertainment? I hear Billy Connolly's good...
  • As Saddam is lead to the gallows, how about some music? Suggestions include 'Can't Touch This' by MC Hammer, 'It's Raining Men', or how about that old favourite 'Cry Me A River' by Justin Trousersnake?
  • The same as above, but with 'Down In A Hole' by Alice In Chains? How about 'Enough Rope' by Chris Knight? Perhaps 'Burning Rope' by Genesis? (You get the idea...)
  • Wearing a suit to your own funeral is such a cliché - why not dress Saddam up in a nice Minnie Mouse outfit? Or Goofy? Or Santa Claus (let's face it - he already had the beard for it.)

While I'm on it, simply hanging a man who was responsible for so much evil seems a little tame. If Talibani had any balls at all, he'd have come up with something much more fun, such as:

  • A good, old fashioned Crucifixion. Nothing like the old planks n' nails routine to keep the crowds happy.
  • An American style monster truck rally, with Saddam as the 10th and final car?
  • Bitch slapping - how long does it take to bitch slap a person to death? Is it even at all possible? I'm curious. Anyone with at least half a ball in their underpants would have thought the same.
  • The middle east has never had a crack at space exploration. I'm sure with enough semtex they could get their first man into space...
  • Fireworks. Up the ass. All lit up. All at once. A true entrepreneur would then take bets on cool stuff 'How High Can Saddam Fly?!'
  • They could have taken Saddy up in a plane into the outer regions of Earth's atmosphere, then kicked him out. A national competition could be held to guess where his body would land, and whoever comes closest gets a free Kalashnikov and a jar of prunes.
  • They could have given Saddam's naked, tied body over to the Kurds, and filmed the results. Now that would have been interesting.
Perhaps the icing on the cake as far as this whole gloriously inept escapade is concerned, is the mobile phone footage that was leaked onto the internet by our now-famous 'unknown source.'

Compared to the lame-as-kittens officially sanctioned footage Iraqi citizens saw on their TV screens (those that hadn't been bombed into ash, that is) this new amateur footage actually showed the whole thing - in full glorious detail. Jeers, insults, the trapdoor opening, the body falling. Essential viewing.

Of course, there was an outcry by pussies and wimps around the world. This has escalated into a spate of questionings and arrests as Jalal Talibani's people scurry to find the guilty evildoer who shot the footage. Today a second guard was arrested and questioned / severely beaten / deported to Alaska for his crimes. Even George Bush was pissed.

But we all know the truth. They fucked up, got soft, and now they hate the fact that it's in the open for the whole world to see. And for that, Saddam and Jalal are our prize-winning dickheads of the moment.

Tourists and visitors rejoice as Iraq's people happily take to the streets and shoot the living shit out of the sky...

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Click here to go back to the home page Click here to see our foolish and drunken attempts at humour Click here to read our humiliation of the worst cinematic abortions the movie industry has to offer Click here to see some of the most bizarre news the web's ever puked out

Click here to see the barrage of other crap we have lying around