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The Korubo Tribe & The Headsmasher's Ball

TwistedEdge reveals Brazil's most treasured genocidal maniacs...

Mankind is a scary creature indeed, as TwistedEdge reveals with a little help from Discovery Channel's documentary 'Death On The Amazon'...

The man pictured below is an aggressive psychopath, a thief, a drug fiend and a mass murderer. Is he wanted by any law enforcement entity? No. On the contrary, Brazil's government protects this guy and all his wives with armed guards, even though he's killed at least one of the guards as well. Everything he's done has been forgiven, because he is the last remaining adult male in what may be the last native tribe that has been untouched by modern civilization… except for being exploited shamelessly by the Discovery Channel, and now also TwistedEdge. In the words of a South American government document ordering the protection of this guy and his tiny tribe, the Korubo, he is "the patrimony of humanity." (I bet he's a hoot at dinner parties too.)

In other words, this guy is you, minus the effect of civilization. Furthermore, it only seems obvious to me that I'd do exactly what he has done if I had the chance, forcing everyone around me into either doing the same, or having their heads pulverized into a fun looking jam-like goo. In this case, that scenario was taken to its logical conclusion, albeit with the kind of elegance and finesse only a tribe of unchained homicidal maniacs could bestow.

The Korubo tribe of Brazil

Korubo means "The Dirty Feet". But before they were moved thousands of miles from any modern settlement, they were referred to as "The Headsmashers". It wasn't an unearned moniker. As soon as modern Brazilian settlements, cocaine farmers and American loggers got close enough to the Korubo, it was war.

At the time, the Korubo were more numerous. However, because they don't even understand that stealing is conceptually wrong (at least not when they do it) they took whatever they liked, expecting no retribution. They also indiscriminately killed anyone they could find wandering through the wrong part of the Brazilian rainforest. You know, just for kicks. The settlers and drug czars struck back, decimating the Korubo by shooting them and poisoning them. In point of fact, the club-wielding lunatic to the left (let's call him Johnny) has been shot 22 times – top that 50 Cent! (Compared to Johnny, 50 Cent is a punk-ass bitch.) Furthermore, as you can see in the picture below, Johnny appears to have taken quite a few bullets directly to the penis.
Johnny the Korubo only knows three things to bust rhymes about; a long club, poisoned blow-darts, and a pipe he uses to get a buzz smoking ground, dried Tarantula. (Tarantula gets you high. Even modern Brazilians crush, dry, cook and shoot it.) And you thought you had problems? When I complained as a child, my dad said, "Well it's not like you were born in China." In China, they say "Brazil."

But it's not all bad news for King Dirty Feet. The Korubo didn't only club loggers, cocaine farmers and Brazilians to death. They also went after each other. When the Discovery Channel documented them in 1996, there were seven adult males. When they returned a year later, only Johnny remained. They asked him through an interpreter what had happened to the others. Rather than answer verbally, he gave them a demonstration, grabbing his club and turning a tree stump to dust with it. Immediately thereafter, he had an episode. He started chanting, jumping and butting his club into the ground. Then, he got really carried away and took a swing at the cameraman. And that was the end of shooting for that day.

What does a Korubo get for killing all his friends? Their wives! Here's Johnny with a few of them. It looks like they're all pregnant, and to top that off, one looks to be about 9 years old!

That's a reason to kill I guess, but it doesn't have to be over a chick. Think smaller.

Also during the Discovery Channel's documentary, one of the Korubo's armed guards left his shiny, blue plastic tarp unattended. Finding it impossible to resist, the Korubo stole it. Well, one day when they were out monkey hunting, the guard took his tarp back. Bad move.

The Korubo don't think anything of theft, but if you take back what was formerly your blue tarp, they construe it as an unforgivable desecration of their leaf house, and the penalty is head smashing. One guard dead. Tarp reclaimed.
The Korubo tribe of Brazil
Maybe it has to do with their diet. The Korubo eat the monkeys they poison whole. They just throw the dead monkey right on the fire, fur and all. It's not Buckingham Palace. They like the ribs best apparently. And there's also a sympathetic tradition that's invoked when the Korubo kill the mother of a baby monkey; they tie the baby monkey up and attribute to it "human status." In this case, "human status" means the monkey is kicked and swung around by its neck as the Korubo giggle until it dies. Beats the hell out of Big Brother I guess.

The vision of scorched monkey made me hungry, so I tried it - but like many people, used too much lighter fluid (click here to see how that moment of genius turned out). If you look closely, you'll see the abducted monkey's head to the left of the flames. (Sorry about that local zoo, but what do you expect? It's like leaving a blue tarp unguarded – dumb.)
The Korubo tribe of Brazil

The Korubo are free of intruders now. After they murdered a number of American loggers, the Brazilian government was forced to transport them into the deepest interior of the rain forest. They still have an occasional problem. For instance, the baby on this woman's back was eaten by an Anaconda only moments after this photo was taken.

And so The Dirty Feet live as did man in the Garden of Eden, eating charred monkey, fighting off Anacondas with clubs, and smoking dried Tarantula pulp. What kind of a God threw us out of that paradise and left Johnny in charge I cannot fathom, unless I invoke Orthodox Presbyterianism which states that:
1) God is perfect.

2) God hates everything that is not perfect.

3) For that very reason, he probably hates you. So, he will most likely liquefy your soul on judgment day no matter what you do, unless he's feeling merciful and you annoy him enough about it.

4) A priori, King Korubo is perfect, and adored by God. You on the other hand, with access to the internet, are not.

5) We can only come to one conclusion: Live as do the Korubo, or suffer eternal damnation. God made them perfect, and they stayed that way. You never even had a chance.

Wanna' be burned at the stake, and just as you start to burn, a herd of elephants knocks you down, and your intestines are in the mud being eaten by birds?! And then it just keeps happening again and again, for 100 billion years?! Do you?! Because if the Korubo really are the patrimony of humanity like the Brazilian government claims then you deserve it! In the Korubo Bible, we see departures from the King James version. (They had it way before Constantine had it.) The most notable discrepancy is the 6th Commandment, which in Korubo, reads, "Though shall kill at every possible opportunity." That changes everything.


Epilogue...

1) The monkey's head made for some fascinating sushi.

2) Tarantula is like PCP, except it makes you even more freaky. I wouldn't recommend it. Then again, it is cheap and legal.


Mini-Update: Someone's not happy...

Once every blue moon we actually bother to read the emails you bizarre little people send us. This one stood out:

Subject: Korubo
Sender: "Bob" <******@aol.com>
Message: The article on the korubo people was IGNORANT. Being judgemental is not a sign of intelligence. Its for articles like yours that we are supporting the extinction of Human Beings. Its not an entitlement to live and be a world citizen, it is a privileage and a responsability.

Seeing as how the Korubo people haven't even mastered the wheel yet, I doubt this is a member of their tribe emailing in to complain. Until one of them does, (or until one of them knocks on our door with a club wanting to bash our skulls in), we'll just leave our dear departed Ezra's article up for all to enjoy.

Oh, and we never ever claimed to be intelligent.

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