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Your blue shirts and hats aren't impressing anyone. Even your sniffer dog thinks you're lame.

New! In this exciting new adventure we bring you!:

  • why my condoms are a threat to your security!
  • how to smuggle shurikens and other death-bringing weaponry through customs!!
  • why flying these days is more dangerous than shagging a fire-breathing dragon in the mouth!!!
  • some inventive new ways to piss the airport security folk off!!!!
  • things you shouldn't bring with you, for fear of killing everyone!!!!!

Airports; up there on the fun scale with getting a prostate exam from Freddy Krueger, on a particularly cold day...

I'm going to Prague at the end of this month, because it fucking rules. Seriously - the whole place is amazing - ridiculously cheap beer, amazing food, great culture, a museum all about sex, and enough scattered ass to make Hugh Heffner feel like some pimply 15 year old virgin. This isn't my first excursion to the land of Staropramen, however. I've been there before...

Thinking about all this impending merriment and alcohol-induced mirth reminds me of the charade last year that we members of Team TwistedEdge had to endure, all in the name of 'security.' I've since come to the conclusion that these so-called 'officers' are actually Serbian Gorillas in nicer clothes.

The whole affair started when we got to the half-empty airport and had to check in. First off we got a generous helping of the Magic Wand treatment, followed by the usual metal detectors, followed by a thorough and vigorous patting down from my new buddy Bradley The Security Officer, who looked like he'd not slept since the French Revolution. Surely this would be enough to ensure we weren't dangerous, right? Hell no. Not in this age of paranoia.

Having ensured no metal objects were upon our person, such as those truly dangerous items like keys, coins, zippers etc, the powers that be then decided we had to put all our personal belongings in a clear plastic bag for all to see. Luckily this wasn't a weekend, so my pockets were free of the usual sex jelly, dildos, vibrators and inflatable sheep that I normally carry around. Confidently I stepped through, only to be stopped because a true threat to airline security had been spotted amongst my things...

"Sir, please put the bag down and step away from your things" said Robocop's inept Welsh younger brother.

"I'm going to have to remove this forbidden item from your belongings, for reasons of security" he said in the scariest voice his mid-pubescent larynx could muster.

Naturally, my mind began to race as to what horrifying item I could be carrying. My mind went back to 9/11. Sharp objects? Nah, I had none of those - not unless you count the hardened edges of my credit cards as deadly, but even Seagal would have trouble making a weapon of one of those. Coins? Shoelaces? An effective murder weapon in the right hands, but no self-respecting killer would charge down a plane in his socks. So what then? I looked on in horror as Robocock pulled out the item that'd driven the airport security line to a halt.

"Your condoms sir. We can't allow those. Oh no sir, waaaaay too dangerous" he said, as if I'd just been found with a gift-wrapped semtex party pack labeled 'To my friend Osama...' I was baffled beyond words as he took my packet of Durex away to be incinerated.

What the fuck harm can you do with a packet of extra-ribbed? What was I going to do? Butt fuck the pilots to death?! I can just imagine the scene now:

"Everybody freeze! Don't anybody move! Give me the keys to the flightdeck or I'll rub spermicidal gel in your eye! You wouldn't want that on your conscience, would you?! Nobody move or everybody gets a rash!" For Christ's sake.

I wasn't the only one carrying the kind of dangerous assault weapon that could bring mankind to its knees. TwistedEdge's The L.c had his girlfriend with him, and she had a USB flash drive / datastick thingy with her.

For this unspeakable offense they had her mail the offending item back to herself, or have it incinerated. I mean come on - what in the name of God did they think she was going to do?! Poke the flight attendant in the eye with it? "But it might have contained dangerous files like viruses and stuff" I heard someone say. Obviously these delicately-minded gibbons don't realise that aeroplanes run on engines, not modems. This isn't Microsoft Flight Simulator after all.

According to the current stats for this site, approximately 64.58% of you people reading this are Yanks. Hello to you, my new American buddy. I emphasize with you guys - you've got it worse than all of us. I'm surprised you can even walk straight after all the cavity searches you guys are put through. You could probably fit an entire family of Nigerian refugees up there by now.

The kicker is that if you're really wanting to hijack a plane or cause mass destruction, the best way is not to go to the check-in at all. I saw a documentary a year ago where they just drove up to a hole in the fence by the runway, pulled up next to the biggest 747 they could find, and hopped onboard! And nobody even noticed! Nobody noticed the military style jeep badgering about the runways full of suspicious characters, who for all security knew, could have had an RPG or a bloody SCUD missile. That makes me feel safe. Thanks guys. Nice to know my Airport Tax is going to good use - next time why not do something less dangerous with my money, like setting it on fire, wiping your asses with it, or giving it to the IRA.

Six months later the rest of Team TwistedEdge went back to Prague without me (because I'm poor.) For a week they spent their time sitting in picturesque bars and restaurants sipping delicious lager, kicking back, perving over all the world-class action walking on by. The lucky gits. (I was probably stashed up at home sat in a corner somewhere wanking myself into oblivion. Probably.) What really got on my tits though was the souvenirs that The L.c had managed to bring back, undeclared, right under the customs guy's nose.

Imagine my surprise, if you will, as he unravels a fucking shuriken. A ninja star. A death ring. We're talking the kind of lethal, badass weaponry that'd have Bruce Lee running for cover, the kind of life-ending device that'd have an army of navy seals shitting themselves and running for their lives (although that isn't saying much...) A shuriken. Wow. These things are designed specifically for killing, for Christ's sake.

This wasn't a toy, or some cheap-ass antique or display thingy. This was the real shebang. The genuine article. Another goal scored for national security here. Thanks customs guys; another mountain climbed.

This isn't really surprising, however. Even with all the gazillions of dollars / pounds spent on beefing up security, the premise of safe air travel is still about as solid and dependable as a Middle Eastern peace treaty. Noted boffin and probable virgin Bruce Schneier is a man who knows about airport security. In March 2006 he wrote:

'It seems like every time someone tests airport security, airport security fails. In tests between November 2001 and February 2002, screeners missed 70 percent of knives, 30 percent of guns and 60 percent of (fake) bombs. And recently, testers were able to smuggle bomb-making parts through airport security in 21 of 21 attempts. It makes you wonder why we're all putting our laptops in a separate bin and taking off our shoes. (Although we should all be glad that Richard Reid wasn't the "underwear bomber.")' ...

'To make matters worse, the smuggler can try to exploit the system. He can position the weapons in his baggage just so. He can try to disguise them by adding other metal items to distract the screeners. He can disassemble bomb parts so they look nothing like bombs. Against a bored screener, he has the upper hand. And, as has been pointed out again and again in essays on the ludicrousness of post-9/11 airport security, improvised weapons are a huge problem. A rock, a battery for a laptop, a belt, the extension handle off a wheeled suitcase, fishing line, the bare hands of someone who knows karate ... the list goes on and on.'

The pisser is that since 9/11 the pilots are now seated beyond a near-impenitrable metal door. You could bring a God-damned bazooka onboard for all it matters - you're not getting through. What did the security peeps think I was going to do? Slice through the metal with the foil packaging of my safe-sex travel buddies? Maybe I could squeeze off some of the lubricant and rust up the hinges - that'd have them running for their lives...

TwistedEdge says...

So I think this kinda proves the point that rather than for our own protection, airport security is there to be laughed at. To this end, I hereby present to you a brief guide on how to piss these check-in cretins off:

  • When being patted down for weapons, be sure to pat down the security officer as well. They pat your ass, you pat theirs. Mutual enjoyment all round, and you get extra credit for drooling over their nicely ironed uniforms too.

  • If touched anywhere below the belt-line, begin sniggering and chuckling like a little girl. Farting on demand is also a useful weapon here; if you can make those bubbling badboys play a tune, that's even better.

  • They're more than likely going to ask you a few questions too. In that event, the following Q&A will become your new best friend...

    Q: "Sir, are you carrying a weapon?"
    A: "I got one loaded, cocked and ready to fire right here in my pants. It's huge - should I get it out for you? I try to fire it off at least once or twice a day."

    Q: "Sir, any metal objects?"
    A: "Only the giant stud you see before you..."

    If you're lucky enough to be in one of those countries where the security are armed to the teeth like some sweaty, overweight Rambo in silly boots, then be sure to offer to "grease up his massive cannon" anytime you sense the situation is reaching its most awkward. Avoid the cliche "is that a night-stick in your pocket or are you just pleased to see me?"

    Seeing as how the customs guys are clearly too busy wading through a sea of their own bullshit, I thought it might be a good idea to help them out a little by pointing out a few other hazardous items they maybe haven't considered:

    Bananas. I'm amazed that no-one's considered how hazardous these badboys could be! In the right hands, these could be weapons of mass destruction! You could poke someone's eye out with one of these things! You want that on your conscience?! And what about the potential for maliciously leaving the skin on the floor?! People could trip on it! There'd be chaos, I tell ye! And what if someone got an allergic reaction?! Or even worse... a rash?! It doesn't even bear thinking about, does it? You know how many people die each day due to Banana related incidents? Millions! Oh, the humanity...

    Did you know that some sad weirdo has actually started an online banana museum? I kid you not. Click here to check that one out.

    Baby Milk. Some airports are already screening for this, against the possibility that the contents may not be milk but some other dangerous compound that looks like milk. Like porridge. Or oatmeal. Or carpet glue. Or semen. The prospect of sharing a flight with any of those keeps me up at night in cold sweats, I can tell you. Think about it though, the potential mayhem that can be caused by this stuff. You could squirt it at people - and did you know that the threat of persistent stains is #3 on America's Terrorism Watch List? And what if you threw a loaded babies bottle at someone? They might bruise, dammit!

    There's an urban legend (which I believe to be true) which claims that during the height of the Cold War, American military scientists spent $500,000 just to conclude that the frisbee could not be used as an offensive weapon - although kudos to them for trying - the sight of hardened marines flinging children's toys would surely have those Evil Commie Bastards begging for mercy. But a CD? In the right hands we're talking a massacre the likes of which hasn't been witnessed since Hiroshima. And you're always hearing people saying that Metal and Rap music are the death of society, right? They might be on to something...

    Sick Bags.
    That's right; those little paper bags they give you on flights for when you heave your guts up. They're a weapon. Be told. Face it - if you threw some of your tummy-lumps in to someone's eye, they'd be blinded, wouldn't they? Way too dangerous - definitely a threat to national security. So next time you hit turbulence and little Johnny has to go barf, he'll just have to puke all over himself. Sorry folks - it's the only way. Safety first.

    "Enough is enough! I have had it with these motherfucking snakes on this motherfucking plane!" Samuel L. Jackson said that. And he was right, don't you know. Snakes on a plane? Gosh no. Very dangerous. Fortunately, I'm sure no-one will ever think that one up...

    While doing my so-called 'research' for this seemingly endless inane rant, (i.e. while I was bunking off work,) I stumbled across - a site which specializes in making a mockery of foolhardy security guard morons like those discussed above. Some funny stuff, for example:

    "I feel so secure going on a plane now. I know that everyone has had their socks examined by a qualified operator of the x-ray equipment and all the bad stuff is left behind and not on the plane. NOT...

    Recently flew from LaGuardia to Orlando. Used my commuting bag as a carry-on, forgetting that I have a pair of scissors in there and a 2" pocket knife. Went through just fine. Did not realize I even had them in there until I was in the hotel room, reached in the pocket for something and there they were. But, even worse, was the security shenanigans on the way back. Okay, I took off my slip-on boat shoes and walked through the detector. I was then directed to sit on a plastic chair to put my shoes back on. Right beside the chair was a 5-gallon white "spackle" type bucket. Being a nosy sort I looked in... it was half full of knives, pieces of lead pipe, scissors, box cutters, you name it! This, of course is behind the security checkpoint! Still feel safe?"

    In conclusion...

    I'm still going to Prague, despite the mockery of justice and security that will doubtless surround me on this, my latest merry adventure. If all the usual hassle of going on holiday wasn't enough, I've also got to contend with greedy British Airways staff going on strike, setting up picket lines and generally pissing on everyone's parade. Just what I need. Thanks guys. What? Getting to fly around the world for free isn't enough? Earning more per year than me for pointing out fire exits is too much of a challenge? Is it too stressful for you, walking up and down the isles passing people food? Cheeky sods.

    Or maybe it's the ongoing threat of terrorism that has you so riled up? Given that flight staff have to go through even sterner security checks than John Q Passenger, I guess I'd be pissed too. Getting cavity searched by a dwarfen, goat-like security guard/'tard twice a day is enough to turn anyone sour. Christ knows why such stern measures for workers who, on their most demanding of days, will have had to scale such intellectual heights as selling duty-free perfume from a trolley, or mixing a Vodka Martini for Mrs Jenkins on Row 16. Obviously someone in government's got it into their heads that Osama Bin Laden rides the air crew in his spare time?

    As if by cruel twist of fate, however, it seems I'm yet again to be a victim of Airport Insecurity - just today, they've closed down all of Edinburgh airport because the rent-a-cops on duty there found one suspicious bag: "Thousands of passengers have been evacuated to a nearby hotel and an exclusion zone of at least 30m put up around the terminal building."

    The silly sods. Someone's going to look a right prize-winning dickhead when it turns out just to be a satchel full of dirty underwear and porn. All this hassle just to fly to a nearby country and get drunk. It seems we're living in a world of scare-tactics and paranoia, where the ever-present threat of terrorism makes even the seemingly sane act like crotchless freaks on a power trip.

    'Anything to declare?' Fuck that shit. Screw you and your airport insecurity. Just gimme a beer.

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