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America has a lot to apologise for when it comes to pouring awe-inspiringly shit television onto the masses like a hurricane of sodden horse shit. Perhaps the worst offender in this tidal wave of crap? The pervy looking TV deviant known as Carlos Mencia, as guest author Ryan Kenner explains...

Every once in awhile the stars aline and forecast either for a celebration or for a call to arms. For instance on October 18th, 1960 the people of Belgium rejoiced in the birth of Jean-Claude Van Damme, ceremonies were performed, women swooned (even the nurses,) men swooned (even I did, even though I wasn't born yet,) and it was documented that this one baby would:

  • win an outlawed tournament (Bloodsport)
  • save the world after the nukes went off (Cyborg)
  • prove that Dolph Lundgren wasn't so terrible of an actor (Universal Soldier)
  • use time travel to stop Ron Silver from being president (Timecop)
  • and of course do the impossible try and make hockey entertaining (Sudden Death.)

However the stars also foretold a call to arms and ironically in October 7 years later, a spawn of satan was created. In other words a man by the name of Ned Holness was created to become the pure definition of what was unfunny and killworthy. Ned Hollness AKA Carlos Mencia.

Carlos Mencia is quite possibly the worst comedian to ever have his own show. Being that Jenny McCarthy, David Spade, Jeff Foxworthy and Drew Carey had their own shows, this says something. Where do I start in ripping this hopelessy incompetent buffoon? Well let's start at a professional level.

Comedy is always subjective. One of the beauties of comedy is that somebody can find something irresistibly funny that others would scorn and there is a universal acceptance about what is funny in good taste and what is funny in bad taste. Sometimes, just sometimes the world brings us a comedian so worthy of rebuke that one must gather their rage and use that energy to a good cause in order to keep one from going on a rampage. Carlos Mencia is just such a comedian who really, really annoys me. There are many things that I remember about high school that were great, mainly not having to work and an innocence away from paying bills and car insurance. One other such innocence was never having known who Carlos Mencia was. Those were the days!

Carlos Mencia’s parade of humor is aimed at the lowest common denominator and his jokes consist of saying “Beaner”, “Dee-Dee-Dee!” and well uh, basically yelling. His scope of jokes seem to consist of “Hey look, Mexicans in this country don’t know English!”, “Asians are bad drivers!”, “Arabs like to yell at people while working in 7-11s" and “Black people like chicken!” Of course a glance at this base humor one will notice that these are very obvious and easy to make jokes about. (Seriously, Asians are bad drivers?) That doesn’t bother me because an obvious joke can be made to feel fresh, if all you use is a basic premise and add your own spin on how to make the obvious feel not so obvious. In other words you need a punch-line to your joke so you don’t leave the viewers with the feeling that they’ve heard it all before. It takes a really good joke to win over a crowd and really when one is relegated to telling obvious jokes that rely on obvious stereotypes one doesn’t have to wonder just how worn-out the material is.

Of course being obvious isn’t a crime, it just makes a comedian unfunny and people can avoid them like so. For instance Larry The Cable Guy is a hideously unfunny comic but he at least has the dignity (and I use that word loosely, perhaps even irresponsibly) to write his own material and provide his area of fart jokes for the world’s consumption. I hate his comedy but I’m willing to spare my wrath as long as I’m not forced to watch his brand of “comedy”. Carlos Mencia earns my hatred because he actively rips off other comics of their material.

It is morally repugnant to do so but it is also illegal to do so. However that doesn’t stop Carlos Mencia who actively rips off comics such as Richard Pryor, George Carlin, George Lopez and Andrew Dice Clay (!) All of those comedians use a style in which they basically make daily observations about race and the humor that goes with the situation. However Mencia actually takes the same jokes and perhaps puts only the most minor spin on it and says ”There it’s now my joke!”

This is of course akin to Vanilla Ice saying that he didn’t rip off Queen and David Bowie’s Under Pressure to make Ice Ice Baby because he added a drum beat to the sampling he stole. Carlos Mencia is a hack plain and simple and yet people seem to like him, For goodness sake, why? Are you people insane? Must be the same people who like Paris Hilton, Kevin Federline and Nsync because his hellspawn of a show still remains on the air and we are stuck trying to understand the appeal of a joke thief who couldn’t be funny by accident.

Of course the most noticeable irony in all of this is that Carlos Mencia is making fun of Mexicans because he is supposedly Mexican, what is most ironic is that Carlos Mencia was actually born Ned Hollness and in reality is of Honduran descent. However because making fun of Mexicans is easier to do than making fun of Hondurans, he has marketed himself as such and has convinced people that he deserves our recognition when the reality of the situation is that the only thing he deserves is a swift boot to the head. People are always slow to catch on when it comes to novelty scams. Which is but why we are stuck with Paris Hilton, Larry The Cable Guy and Kevin Federline.

I myself find am nostalgic of a time that was more innocent and enjoyable. A time when all you had to worry about seeing on Comedy Central was Police Academy 6: City Under Siege instead of the television show “Mind Of Mencia.” Will we ever be safe again? Who will deliver us from evil? What do we do?

I don't even wish Carlos Mencia would die, because even if he died, his damage would be irreversible. No, I wish for a meteor to fall on earth and somehow cause a riff in the Earth's time vortex so that his existance would be wiped off the face of this earth. That's the only way I'd feel happy. And that is why I ask for Jean-Claude Van Damme to go back in time and wipe out Carlos Mencia's great grandfather, I would ask normally for Arnold but he's a Governor now, I'd ask Michael J. Fox but he has, well you know. So that leaves only you Jean-Claude, you saved us from a devastating plauge in Cyborg, is it so much to ask that you save us from the Ned Hollness plauge 18 years later?

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Click here to go back to the home page Click here to see our foolish and drunken attempts at humour Click here to read our humiliation of the worst cinematic abortions the movie industry has to offer Click here to see some of the most bizarre news the web's ever puked out

Click here to see the barrage of other crap we have lying around