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Turns out the ever-chic Che Guevara was a bit of a git...

Our very own Part-time Ninja not a happy bunny. And as usual, it's all your fault...

You'd have to be living in a cave for the last 5 years not to have seen the growing trend that is Che Guevara merchandise taking over the world. Everyone's wearing it, from high-brow celebrities to that drunken, piss-soaked homeless guy who lives at the bottom of your street. Starting off in trendy Bohemian coffee bars and Socialist poetry meetings, and spreading to the Joe Blow on the street, this is one of the most bizarre fashion crazes to have ever captured the imagination of the masses. (That and mullets. Christ only knows what happened there...)

The thing that really pisses me off is that not one of these sheep-like morons knows who the hell Che Guevara was. They just see their buddies wearing this post-modern garb and do the same. Because they're so damn cool. Or maybe not. This'd be fine if we were talking about the face of a true icon like Ali, Mandella or... erm... Dolph Lundgren (ha!)

Instead, however, the people have decided to go with the face of a mass-murdering terrorist revolutionary. Thanks guys. The fact that Britain is one of the hot-beds for this trend makes me wish I was French. And believe me, that's saying something.

Being suitably pissed off, I've decided to scrape out this dandy little corner of the website in order to let you lucky people know about the rather smug-looking face that adorns your shirts, hats, mugs, flavoured condoms and whatever shitty merchandise you've snapped up with your hard earned moola. Oh, and seeing as how whoever thought up this idea is probably now rolling in cash, Team TwistedEdge has come up with a few alternatives for you to splash your filthy lucra on. Enjoy...

A history lesson...

Ernest - the natural enemy of shampoo

Che Guevara was a very naughty boy indeed.
The sexy looking beast to the left there is Ernesto Guevara de la Serna. His homies called him Che. He lead a revolution in Cuba with his mate Fidel Castro and became something of a folk hero to Marxist / Socialists and the easily bored. As well as some rather cool looking facial hair, Che also boasts a number of attempted coups in Bolivia and Congo, as well as a whole family-sized barrage of murders and killings. It's true folks, in the 50's if you wanted some pesky rebels offed, he was your man.

Did you know, for example, that the rather funky looking rebel on your coffee cup ran a rather fun sounding place called La Cabaña prison, in which oversaw the brutal execution of shitloads of people who rebelled against The Regieme? Everyone needs a hobby I guess. In his spare time, Che also organised many forced labour camps, you know, just for the hell of it. When not culling infidels, everyone's favourite Socialist martyr could be seen skullfucking the Cuban economy into submission as he oversaw the near-collapse of sugar production, the failure of industrialization and the introduction of rationing — all this in what had been one of Latin America’s four most economically successful countries since before the Batista dictatorship. A very busy man indeed.

What I like best about Ernie was the rather family-friendly, cutesy, warm and loving quotes he'd fire off at people whenever he was feeling funky:

"Hatred is an element of struggle; unbending hatred for the enemy, which pushes a human being beyond his natural limitations, making him into an effective, violent, selective, and cold-blooded killing machine."

Or if that doesn't make your panties wet, how about:

"Crazy with fury I will stain my rifle red while slaughtering any enemy that falls in my hands! My nostrils dilate while savoring the acrid odor of gunpowder and blood. With the deaths of my enemies I prepare my being for the sacred fight and join the triumphant proletariat with a bestial howl!"

Yep. That's the guy who's face covers your fat, hairy belly. Lucky you.

Above: you too can have the face of everyone's favourite Marxist Bad Boy adorning your t-shirt. Hell, many of you already have...

There are many people out there who salute Ernie Guevara as a hero. Those who do so because of genuine, fiery political feelings are fine by me. Yes, they're wrong but everyone has the right to their own beliefs. It's the rest that piss me off; the coffee house wankers who sit their with their extra creamy latte crowing on about what a hero Ernie was and how we should all be Socialists and rise up against "The Man." These are the people who when confronted with logic, angrily spout off Rage Against The Machine lyrics as if they were Castro on a power trip.

These people are dicks. If you see one of these people in the street, do as I do - point at them and laugh. Belittle them. It's what they're used to. Now, is that pesky cash still burning holes in your pockets? Check these out:

Why be cold when fighting The Man? Keep that Socialist forehead of yours warm with this Che Is A Star hat.
If that doesn't make your sausage sizzle, how about a calendar for your wall? With this you can be a Marxist and know what day it is! Woo hoo!
Prove your dedication to The Regieme! Get your Ernie tattoo now!
Okay, so I made this one up, but you get the point...

TwistedEdge says...

Just because Che was a bit of a git shouldn't stop you looking fabulous. Being the kindly soul that I am, I've devised a few cunning and rather sexy looking fashion designs for you and your friends to enrich your lives with. Seeing as how wearing a murderous killer has become ethically acceptable, it's time to wonder what else will be hitting the shelves. Where do we draw the line? Behold these soon-to-be uber-cool designs:

Fidel Castro Special!
Why settle for small fry like Ernie when you can have everyone's favourite cigar smoking former dictator?! Re-live the Bay Of Pigs disaster with this sexy-looking commemorative shirt!
Pinnochet Pictorial!
The sign of a real dictator. If mass killings and general bloodshed are your thing, then make yourself seen with this rather dashing commemorative t-shirt. Niiice.

The 'Saddam Was Innocent' Campaign!
Go against the flow! Battle The Man! Prove to the world what a prick you are with this stylish addition to your wardrobe! Guaranteed to draw attention...

The '45 Was A Fluke Range!
Got the skinhead? Bought the boots? Those leather pants fitting nicely? Complete the look with this dashing piece of propaganda - suitable for anti semitic, flag burning pricks of all sizes.

Dahmer: Bite Me!
Feast your eyes on this offering displaying America's favourite mass murdering cannibal. Something to really get your teeth into...
Ed Gein 4 President!
So what if he's dead? So what if he killed people and turned their skin into furniture? The people have spoken, damn it! Start your voting now!
The Manson Effect!
I also put together a rather sexy Charlie Manson motif, and was about to add a catchy slogan like "Say It With Manson" until...
Manson Lives!
I realised some other bastard on some other website had already come up with the idea. Goes to show this sick idea of mine aint so far-fetched.

As that last pic shows, messed up t-shirts such as these aren't just figments of my strange and malnourished imagination - in the case of the Manson motif, they're here already. Interesting how a deranged serial killer can become a fashion icon overnight. Not bad for the man who, upon capture for Christ-only-knows how many brutal murders, was quoted as saying: "I am only what you made me. I am a reflection of you." Ponder that one.

In conclusion? I guess it just goes to show you what it takes to be famous these days. Until next time, look after yourselves. Oh - and try not to kill anybody.

Update(ish) for 2009: Click here or here a couple of nice little insights into the tired, weary festering shithole that is modern Cuba.

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