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So there I am at an ungodly hour of the morning having just downloaded the new My Chemical Romance album. I'm halfway through listening to it, wondering what all the fuss is about, contemplating going downstairs for another Budweiser, when suddenly the track ominously entitled Teenagers reers its ugly face. Before you can really understand what I'm talking about, click here to illegally download the song, courtesy of us rowdy ol' pirates here at TwistedEdge. (Click on the text to listen to the track, or right click and select 'Save Target As' to get your own copy.)

This three minute abomination of a song suddenly bleeds from my speakers like liquid shit from the ass of a drunken Glasweigan. So shocked was I that I almost spat beer all over the wall. "Holy fucking shit!" I proclaimed to no-one in particular. "That sounds like The Offspring!" I was very excited. Ever since The Offspring departed from the music scene, the world has been a quiet and empty place full of wankers, Emo and McFly. But my hopes were shattered a few seconds later as the vocals hit, and I began to laugh so hard I actually pooped a little. Not too much, just enough for the brown snake to briefly emerge from its underground cave.

What I was presented with was the most cliche'd purile crap I've ever heard in my entire life. And beleive me, I've heard some utter wank. It's not just the comically over-the-top guitars, or the fact that these corny American fuckwits are shantying along like a bunch of drunken homosexual pirates, it's the lyrics. Oh my God, the lyrics. The chorus line begins "you teenagers scare the living shit out of me." You gotta respect a band that's terrified of their own fanbase.

Let's have a look at just a few of those opening lines:

"They're gonna clean up your looks, with all their lies and their books, to make a citizen out of you."

My Chemical Romance there, obviously deciding the best way forward is to be a shit-covered illiterate illegal immigrant. Gosh, how cool those dudes are. This coming from a band that go on stage neatly attired in black suits and ties. I know, for I have the misfortune of having seen the silly motherfuckers live. And now I hate myself.

"Because they sleep with a gun, and keep an eye on you son, so they can watch all the things you do."

No they don't. You silly twats. The police, the military, The Man™ or whoever it is you're referring to doesn't give a fuck about you. Why would the government want to spend millions watching you pubeless teenage fuckwits masturbating to German porn? Because let's face it, given the average age of MCR's fanbase (14) that's all that's going to be happening.

"Because the drugs never work, they're gonna give you a smirk, coz they got methods of keeping you clean. They're gonna rip off your heads, your aspirations to shreds, another cog in the murder machine!"

By this point I'd almost passed out from the sheer scale of my laughter. By now my lungs felt like they were made of superglue, my throat was like sandpaper. All this just 30 seconds into the song. Marvellous!


The Offspring: 90's skaterpunk legends.

My Chemical Romance: Swooned over by the pubeless.

Look MCR, despite what Richard Ashcroft says, the drugs DO work.

Ever try speed? I did. It had me bouncing around like the Tazmanian Devil, and had me wanting to ass-fuck a bar stool.

I ended up shirtless standing on a sofa at the back of the club moshing like some kind of derranged extra from Beavis and Butthead, hopping about to Papa Roach. PAPA ROACH FOR FUCK SAKE.

You're called My Chemical Romance for Christ sake. YOU SHOULD KNOW!

The fact that this band actually manage to rhyme 'work' with 'smirk' and keep a straight face is a testiment to the mountains of bullshit musicians can conquer these days.

So henous is this bullshit, that if it were all piled up into one room it would rival the peaks of the Himalayas. It would have its own climate, its own area code, given its sheer scale. Brave adventurers would struggle valiantly to conquer its snow-capped peak. Wild mountain goats would skip merrily along its rocky surface. Hell, this is the kind of world-conquering intergalactic bullshit that's visible from space.

Again, to hear this musical wonder for yourself, click here. Turn up the volume too. You're in for a wild ride.

Editor's note: Since the article was written, The Offspring have returned to the world of music, karma has been re-aligned and the natural order is once again restored. We're still baffled though as to what anybody sees in My Chemical fucking Romance.

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Click here to go back to the home page Click here to see our foolish and drunken attempts at humour Click here to read our humiliation of the worst cinematic abortions the movie industry has to offer Click here to see some of the most bizarre news the web's ever puked out

Click here to see the barrage of other crap we have lying around