America Is Fucking Awesome
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America Is Fucking Awesome

TwistedEdge has gone Yank-tastic.

At time of writing 71.41% of this site's readers are American. (Hello our new Yankee friends.) However, despite their obvious good taste in websites, there's a lot of people out there giving America a lot of shit. There's no singular reason for all this - the nation that forced the likes of Barney the Purple Dinosaur and Hillary Clinton into our lives has a lot to apologise for. This is, after all, a nation that had Celine Dion holed up in a Vegas penthouse for three whole years and failed in all that time to put a single bullet in her.

However, while it's easy to jump on the bandwagon and slag off a nation that drove it's own national symbol into near-extinction, we enlightened proles at TwistedEdge have decided to take the moral high ground. That's right - despite the fact that most of Europe looks upon America like a paedophilic uncle with a rape addiction, we've decided to take a moment to remind the world of some of the great things the USA has given us over the years. There's a lot of good to America, and here's just six examples of why (in some ways at least) America is fucking awesome...

We thank America for: Bruce Willis in Die Hard
#1 You gave us Bruce Willis in a vest, some Germans and a shitload of body bags.
For starters, we'd like to apologise right now for inflicting boring, tired-ass poncey shite like Pride and Prejudice and Hugh Grant onto your lives (although we more than made up for it with James Bond and Kiefer Sutherland.) However, if there's one nation that deserves applause for the sheer amount of unbridled kickass it's brought to the big screen it's America. Forget sweaty, homo-erotic, muscle-clad freaks of nature like Sylvester Stallone, Vin Diesel or Barbara Bush, everything that's good about the USA can be signified in one person - John McClane. Every cell in this man's body screams "kill" and we love him for it.
Ever since the relentless onslaught of unquestionable cinematic genius that is Die Hard, we've been willing to overlook the ridiculous chins of your various presidents, instead day-dreaming longingly of that one great man wandering about a skyscraper in a mucky vest, shooting Aryan terrorists over and over again, bleeding profusely and generally wiping out more Evil Foreigners than the Enloa Gay. Whether it's evil Germans with suspiciously hackneyed accents, surprisingly eloquent bank robbers, suave computer hackers hell-bent on apocalypse or turncoat Navy Seals in fabulously dashing matching white jackets and boots, you can bet your ass Bruce will be there. And with enough ammo to make Rambo look like a sissy, over-compensating bitch. And probably a ridiculous head wound that'd flatten any lesser mortal. May the corpses pile up, may the one-liners never stop, and may we never stop being amazed by a man that throws cars at helicopters just because he's run out of bullets. Nothing screams 'American Diplomacy' like a burned-out cop with psychotic tendencies. Fuck yes.

We thank America for: Loving the FUCK out of our Queen
#2 You love the Queen so much that we no longer have to.
Let's face it. The bitch is a fucking cyborg and everyone knows it. However, America's continued admiration of our nation's figurehead has given us Brits room to breathe - we love the way you can see past her psychotic grin, sinister beady eyes and bulging testicles. We love the fact that the free world's leading advocate for anti-dictatorship lets the longest-reigning dictator in the world unto its shores with open arms. Good for you. Having her waving to strangers in distant foreign lands may well deprive her of her traditional activities (such as setting hounds on poor people) but it's for the greater good.
Having spent centuries systematically robbing the monarchy of its power, we can now rest on our laurels and watch as they elegantly and eloquently greet the president while so bravely trying not to vomit. Now, we can get on with our lives safe in the knowledge that there'll always be American tourists coming in by the boat-load - so no matter how often our monarch feasts on fried panda and condor eggs with mineral water made from the tears of weeping orphans, we can rest assured the coffers will always be packed full of dollars, keeping us afloat. Then, just for kicks, we segregate the fattest tourists, sell them comedically tight-fitting souvenir t-shirts and make them sit on open-topped busses for the whole country to see, just so we can laugh at them. Face it - with cities like London that are so rainy and foggy and gloomy, we need all the entertainment we can get...

We thank America for: Near superhuman levels of obesity
#3 Your awe-inspiring eating habits make our own obesity crisis seem less scary.
We owe you Yanks big time for this one. Ever since folk like Morgan Spurlock came across to our country with footage of children the size of larger middle-eastern nations, we've all been able to kick back and breathe a big sigh of relief. This allows us to do what us Limey Fog-breathers do best - ignore our own short-comings, sweep them under the rug and spend our time laughing at foreigners. Unfortunately these days it's getting harder and harder to do. We're racking up so many beef-inflated fatties these days that even the BBC is shitting kittens about the whole thing.
In their own words: "Over 30,000 deaths a year are caused by obesity in England alone. A study by the National Audit Office in 2002 estimated the condition costs the National Health Service £500 million a year. The overall cost to the country is estimated at up to £7.4 billion a year." That's some pretty impressive figures, you gotta admit. Any level-headed populace would invest heavily into public health and exercise programs and, in short, put the cheeseburger down and put their fat ass on a treadmill. But not the British. God no. While other nations look in the mirror and actually do something about it, we simply turn our eyes stateside and marvel at the state of the nation that brought the joys of MacDonald's into our lives. Thanks to you Americans, over 3.8 million of whom weigh over 300lbs, we can go on living in denial and laugh at the misfortune of others while we drink ourselves into sugar-induced comas and choke ourselves to death on XL Bacon Whoppers. "More cheese with that sir?" Fuck yes. Besides - salad is for failures. If God didn't want us to be fat he wouldn't have invented the colostomy bag. Dip in and enjoy.

We thank America for: Guns N' Fucking Roses. Yeeeeeeeeaaaaahhhh!
#4 Three words: Guns N Roses.
Nothing illustrates what kicks ass about the American way of life better than Guns N Roses (even if their legendary guitarist Slash was a Brit.) Bassist Duff McKagan, for example, drank so much vodka and smoked so much crack one time his pancreas actually exploded. That's just fucking awesome. He was just walking about one time, probably looking for some lighter fluid to sniff or something, when suddenly "pop!" Next thing you know he's in hospital with a rubber hose up his ass and a confused look on his face, wondering why his intestines are full of searing-hot stomach acid. Cool huh?
This is hardly surprising from a member of a band who would each drink 24 bottles of Bud and an entire bottle of ultra-strength Black Death vodka before going on stage. A band that pissed and swore in public without apology, and who wore leather trousers for nearly a decade without a single person laughing at them. Only in America could a rock band fronted by a man with hair so brightly ginger it glows in the dark get springboarded to international fame. It's bands like this, with their "fuck the world" attitude that really exemplify what it is to be American. PVC jackets, ridiculously tight spandex vests, hair styles so big they knocked incoming planes out of the sky and guitar ballads about kinky bondage sex... all sprinkled with a lead singer who whenever he lifted the microphone to his face looked like Lassie taking a shit. Axl Rose's name was even an anagram of the words 'Oral Sex' for Christ sake - what more could you need?! In their later days they even had a guitarist called Buckethead who wore a KFC bargain bucket on his head while on stage - a man who claimed to have been raised from birth by chickens. God. Bless. America.

We thank America for: Turning public execution into a national sport
#5 Your highly elaborate and imaginative methods of offing your convicts.
When it comes to the state-sanctioned slaughter of society's undesirables, America really ups the ante. Most nations pussy out when it comes to the finesse of killing prisoners - France for instance would often use such arty-farty tools as the guillotine, which gets things over and done with in one swift swoop. You'd expect that from the nation that invented the beret. Also as boring is hanging, for centuries made popular by us Brits - but that's no fun either. Sure the body kicks and writhes in indescribable agony, sure the sound of the neck breaking is the stuff of nightmares, and sure the spectacle lasts for 10 minutes.
But where's the entertainment value in that? Where's the fun? What you need is a manner of execution that the whole family can enjoy! It's not worth even packing up a picnic basket if all you're going to see is sissy-ass capital punishment like the above. Just "bang! Fuck! I'm dead!" No fun at all. However, along came the Americans with a much more exciting way of doing things. Under the hilarious excuse of making the bumping-off of felons more "humane" they unleashed the electric chair. Hell, why have it over and done with quick when you can slowly cook the motherfucker alive?! The Register said it best: "In one US state, the protocol calls for a jolt of 2,450 volts that lasts for 15 seconds. After a 15 minute wait, the prisoner is then examined by a coroner. After 20 seconds, the cycle is repeated. It is repeated three more times. The body may heat up to approximately 100°C (210°F), which causes severe damage to internal organs. Often the eyeballs melt. Taping the eyes closed is often part of the preparation for execution by electrocution. The effects of the electricity often cause the body to twitch and gyrate uncontrollably and bodily functions may "let go". Prisoners are sometimes offered diapers." And, just for kicks, they let the victim's families watch too. You Yanks have always had the right idea when it comes to convict genocide; why not turn it into a spectator sport? You could even take bets on whether their heads set on fire - now that's proper showmanship!

We thank America for: Turning normal sports into spectacles of genocide
#6 Ice hockey, and other violent forms of pugilism.
Think about it - what other country in the world could ever make competitive sport so gloriously violent and bloodthirsty? There's nothing that can bring a family together quite like the funky gurgling noises made by a 250lbs broken Canadian bouncing off perspex. And you even give us free organ music to listen to while the paramedics sweep their battered, bloodied remains off the ice! Hooray! It's like pro wrestling, but with better music and less of the sweaty, oily men in spandex groping and rubbing against each other - and this shit ain't fake neither. It's like WWE, but they traded the gay porn for kickass, over-sized shoulder pads.

Seriously - what other sport in existence actually encourages its players to fight? What other sport gives you such potentially boner-enducing weapons as a 7 foot wooden stick, a tiny rubber shuriken and 15 inch blades on each foot? What other than this most American of passtimes would enforce rules in the same way as you'd punish a disobedient child or family pet? If in, say, tennis you leapt over the net and tried your damndest to beat your opponent to death with your tennis racket you'd be arrested and sent to a mental institution, where they'd lock you in rubber underpants and dose you up so bad you can only piss with the aid of a machine. But not in hockey. Hell no! The punishment for putting your opponent half way into a coma infront of 15,000 of his friends, family and townsfolk? 5 minutes in the sin bin, motherfucker!! And let that be a lesson to you! Most sports have one medic on hand just in case someone falls over and hurts their knee. Hockey arenas have a fucking triage ward. Hell, I was watching an ice hockey game just last month where a fight broke out and even the referee was throwing punches. There really is nothing like good old fashioned American passtimes. Hell, we should take it to the next level and give those sumbitches guns - that'd really liven things up!

Let this be a lesson to you...

So that's all for now, humble reader. Let's hope this forray into the more positive aspects of Uncle Sam has enlightened you as to the sparkly, shiny, fun little things America has given us that have enriched our lives over the years. And this is only the tip of the iceberg - we could have gone on all the way to a nice, round, sensible number like 10 or 20 but quite frankly we are just too fucking lazy for that sort of thing. Besides, at least one item in this list is technically treason under royal statute, so perhaps the less said the better...

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Liked this? Want more? How about reading An American's Guide To Britain? Or how about our funky, manly new review of Die Hard: The Greatest Action Movie Of All Time?

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America Is Fucking Awesome
Click here to go back to the home page Click here to see our foolish and drunken attempts at humour Click here to read our humiliation of the worst cinematic abortions the movie industry has to offer Click here to see some of the most bizarre news the web's ever puked out Click here to see the barrage of other crap we have lying around