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The fast food industry and the sociological implications of "The Angry Whopper".

"Starting today, Burger King Corp (NYSE:BKC) is giving restaurant guests the chance to experience a sizzling version of America's favorite burger with the Angry Whopper« sandwich, featuring crispy Angry onions and a spicy Angry sauce. Available for a limited time only, the new Angry Whopper« sandwich features a flame-broiled burger patty topped with sizzling Angry onions, jalape˝os, pepper jack cheese, bacon, tomatoes, lettuce and mayonnaise topped with Angry sauce on a sesame seed bun."

I have hunted and eaten sharks by placing stones on a fire and throwing over 100 pounds of bloody, rotten fish into the water to create a feeding frenzy. Once "the Wolves of the Sea" are in the midst of a frenzy, they'll eat anything that falls into the water. That's when the stones are about ready, so you push them off onto pieces of rawhide with a sugar cane or a bamboo stick. Then you take the rawhide by the edges and start swinging the red-hot stones out into the water. The sharks swallow them whole, and the moment they do, they die and float to the surface. White Tip, Mako and Angel make especially good shark steak and thus, without having to possess the patience of the rod & reel fisherman, one can quickly collect enough food to last until it spoils and becomes bait for the next slaughter. There's just something about eating an endangered species that makes supper that little bit more special.

I have pulled Salt Water Crocodiles out of the water (the fact that they just won't let go of a chicken becomes their undoing), stabbed them in the brain, and eaten them as well. I have boiled live, performing dolphins upon their retirement from show business, and you haven't lived until you've spent eight weeks eating nothing but dehydrated insurgent patties. But only recently did I heed the serpent's call, and feasted upon The Earth's deadliest game; The Angry Whopper.

Salad is for failures.

Welcome to America in the age of Meth. Everything is either "Extreme" or "Angry" to appeal to the racing brains of coke-heads. Every show on TV seems to be about nothing but madness. They have several shows on the Discovery Channel that are dedicated to nothing more than blowing shit up, and then dancing in joyous lunacy as Arabs burn under piles of rubble. They've turned the art of forensic science into a 1 hour drama, with actual, close-up videography of a coroner splitting open the chest cavity of a corpse with a circular saw, with a camera jammed right into the wound so you won't miss anything, all set to the strains of such Classic Rock hits as "Takin' Care of Business".

What have we become? When did a madness cloud block out the sun and rain down crack on us? If Ronald McDonald represents the Big Mac, who represents the Angry Whopper? The Zodiac Killer? If Mayor McCheese is the ruler of the neighborhood The Hamburglar endlessly terrorizes, who reigns over The Republic of Burger King? Ho Chi Min?

In point of fact, Burger King commercials in praise of The Angry Whopper claimed that the "anger onions" had been "raised on anger," and schooled by no less than "a sadistic farmer." I have no doubt that in a reality more disturbing than the imagination of any Burger King employed advertising executive, these onions were in fact, genetically "enhanced".

In fact, fast food chains were among the first to deploy genetically modified vegetables of all types. They knew their clientele wouldn't ask questions they didn't want to know the answers to, and financially, giant vegetables that can be grown in the back of beef trucks on the way to the slaughterhouse, feeding on fresh, hot manure tainted with Anthrax, are a no brainer as far as the boys in the accounting department are concerned. (However, preventing the vegetables from achieving self-awareness and seeking revenge against their inventor has admittedly been a problem at the Burger King lab.)

If you don't believe that then here's how far, in reality, the food production industry has "evolved": When Harvard graduate economics specialists were brought to the farms of Tyson Foods and asked to improve efficiency and lower costs, they noticed the corn fed to the pigs wasn't being completely digested. Over time, that adds up to a lot of money spent on corn that's never fully metabolized. The solution? All the pig feces from then on was strained through a screen with holes small enough not to allow a single, precious kernel of corn to pass through. That corn was subsequently put back into the pigs' food and given a second chance, or as many more chances as it needed really, to become part of that delicious, magical animal we call "the pig".

If you still haven't vomited, here's another story you may not have heard: In the 1990's, Canadian authorities in Quebec were trying to find an inordinate number of missing young girls who'd gone missing. Their investigation led them to a pig farm near the Canadian border with The United States. There, they found many of the girls' possessions as well as over 60 pairs of panties collected in a junk car on the farm. But as for bodies, the authorities came up with nothing. When the horrifying truth was discovered, the police left a very sensitive announcement to representatives of the Oscar Meyer Corporation (buyers of all the pork the farm produced) who issued only the following, so rich in innuendo, only the strongest of heart and stomach could manage it:

"Regarding the recent incident at the pork farm in Canada, The Oscar Meyer Corporation has found no evidence whatsoever that the bologna we have distributed contains anything other than pork." I guess that's poetic justice for anyone that ever sang along with the jingle, "I wish I were an Oscar Meyer wiener."

Various professional athletes endorse McDonald's product line (though I doubt they actually eat it). When it came to finding a celebrity sponsor for the Angry Whopper, the only person who responded was The Night Stalker, Richard Ramirez, who, when asked if he would like to plead mercy from the court for his numerous murders simply shouted, "Hail Satan!"

McDonald's catch phrase is "I'm lovin' it." Burger King, beloved feeder of families throughout America, has opted for a snack with psychotic tendencies instead. If their marketing is to be believed this is the kind of burger that would kick you in the stomach and fuck you in the mouth if given half a chance. What better to feed our kids with?

McDonald's is represented as a corporation by an only slightly frightening looking clown. Burger King has chosen a digitally rendered "King of Hell" as its imaginary leader (see right). Burger King has never achieved the success McDonald's enjoys. Perhaps, one resentful day in the boardroom, Burger King's executives decided to take their place as "The McAntichrist".

It seems their trend is to go further with this concept each year, and in time, I wouldn't be surprised to see an animatronic version of the torments of Jesus being inflicted upon Ronald McDonald by the dark "Burger King", wielding a whip, dressed as Pontius Pilate, with nails and a cross in the background for use at the end of each day, at which point a recreation of the crucifixion, this time featuring Ronald McDonald as "King of The Jews" will be re-enacted, and entitled, "The Passion of Ronald McDonald". (Judas Iscariot will be played by The Hamburglar.)

But even for Burger King's savvy marketing gurus, getting rid of that particular "angry" meat shipment was tricky. (Yes. Whenever a certain item is on sale at a fast food restaurant, it's usually because a shipment of meat became a bit tainted.) But this batch wasn't only a little spoiled.

King Diamond tried to sue over this, but The Vatican (a subsidiary of Burger King) excommunicated him
King Diamond tried to sue over this, but The Vatican (a subsidiary of Burger King) excommunicated him.

This particular herd of Kangaroo (which has allegedly been found in the ground meat used by McDonald's), had been gunned down roaming the streets of where else? Chernobyl. Radioactive circus meat! There's nothing illegal about it! (There's also no law against laying naked in a pasture covered in cow's blood; There are just so many things authorities simply haven't thought of yet!) But this batch was unlike any other, causing test consumers to react in a bizarre and unforeseen manner. The report from the Ukraine to Burger King's European headquarters at Versailles read, "In summation, and given the aggression, consumerism and lust for combative experience the subjects displayed, we could only make the strangest of conclusions: They were acting like Americans wired on crack.

So, wary of lawsuits, the Burger King Corporation (which acquired The Vatican last July, and now has the money to sink Third World economies at its whim) tried the next best thing; a test marketing to British soccer hooligans. It all made perfect sense at the time, considering how American wrestling fans responded in a double-blind study. The Brits are practically American as it is, except that no one can understand them when they speak English (for instance Ozzy Osbourne is British).

The British, speaking of cuisine, eat cheese and eel pie as well as something called "Spotted Dick". They also have horrible weather, perverted serial killers and a Queen who reportedly kicks badgers to death for fun. Make your own conclusions. (Incidentally, Rob Halford is also of British descent so... you get the picture. Ever heard "Hellbent For Leather"? I rest my case.)

If this drunken, unwashed civilization had rebelled, the Burger King executives in Versailles were safely hidden across the Eisenhower Canal (which the Brits still insist on calling "The English Channel" even though that sounds like some bizarre leather and bondage TV station.) The only problem was that by the time it had all been diabolically planned out, the meat was becoming truly infested. One internal memo at Burger King called the situation, "an infestival".

So, the Cordon Bleu chefs who work for Burger King / The Vatican were called in to see what, with all of the Burger King's mad scientists, liquid smoke, the Iraqi nerve gas they found in 2002, and the pepper harvest they'd stolen from Hugo Chavez in a raid they'd carried out against Venezuela with help from the CIA during the previous year's jalape˝o harvest, they ground away, smothered the "meat" in "angry sauce", and threw everything else in their arsenal onto that thing.

There you have it: The Angry Whopper was born. They even made up one of those cool new ad campaigns dubbed "The Angry Whopper Sacrifice", which offered a free Angry Whopper to anyone that would give up ten of their friends on Facebook. (533,000 were sacrificed. That's 53,300 Facebook members who valued anger over friendship.) And the British loved it! In fact, they loved it so much, Burger King Inc. (parent company of The Pope), hired Blackwater to make a second incursion into Chernobyl and gun down every living thing they could find. It was a regular dog and pony show (and I don't mean that figuratively). Finally, it was time to take that shit to cholesterol Mecca - The United States.

On New Year's Day 2009, The Angry Whopper hit the streets of America. And so did we love The Angry Whopper that had we been asked, we would gladly have given our only begotten sons to be crucified, and thereby pay the price for the sins of every single, blessed Angry Whopper - one of which was the fact that all the peppers were lumped right in the center of that beast, and thus, that all of the "anger" was concentrated in one, magical bite. There was something in that sauce. Heroin would be my first guess. (Heroin Sauce is big in France right now). After eating one, we became overwhelmed with a euphoric rage, and after a long "Fight Club" episode, wanted nothing more than another Raging Whopper, and to take advantage of our "Whoppertunity". It came in thee sizes; single, double and triple death spiral. I found a way around that system by ordering two death spirals, taking them home and putting it all between two buns, along with all the toppings, because nothing less than six slabs of steaming beef, along with a double dose of rage will make me feel satiatiated.

However, for some ungodly reason, The Angry Whopper was not to become a permanent part of the American diet, and at the end of this past March, it was pried from our lustful, wanting hands. Half the nation went to sleep for a month, which really screwed up the economy and made the Obama administration look like a big nothing. They responded by planning a bizarre cold war against South Korea to regain their street credibility, and to distract us from our angry, meat-starved corporate death lust.

So for three glorious months, America was given extra anger to run on. Reveling in orgasmic delight, we went on an anger rampage, stabbed innocent animals and picked fights with people smaller than us. But now, tragically, it's all over. We have since gone back to caring for our surviving children, returned to our jobs (if they'll have us back) and are still trying to learn to live with what had quickly become an essential part of the American diet. How do we feel? Angry! And how does the Angry Whopper feel? Well ...

But wait! There are more words in this article! It's always darkest before the dawn! Given the success of The Angry Whopper experiment, various fast food chains have followed suit. Soon, we can look forward to such cuisine as "The Sato-Masochistic Breakfast Combo", "Fury Fries" and "Rage Shakes". Additionally, "The Giant Cheeto" has arrived:

Regular Cheeto.

GIANT Cheeto.
Burger King / Vatican Enterprises has also announced a new deal between Burger King America and The U.S. Military. Department of Defense executives issued a brief statement outlining their intended use for "The Angry Whopper MRE". Chairman Michael Mullen issued the following brief: "America's military looks forward to the use of the Angry Whopper MRE in much the same way German forces looked forward to Methamphetamine during the Second World War. As we ready for our all-out assault on those cunning Enemies of Democracy, we will need to compete with the already buzzed-up Central American forces, who chew coca leaves on a regular basis.

We feel the Burger King Angry Whopper MRE gives our forces the edge they will need to face the somewhat bizarre challenges ahead. As Chairman of the Joint Chiefs, I endorse the use of this new methodology and have instructed our forces to employ it without delay. As always, God Bless America, and keep on rockin' in the Free World."

No further statement from the Pentagon was available. President Obama will declare war on South Korea upon returning from "Ray's Hell Burger" in Arlington, Virginia (pictured).

(Joe Biden appears to be getting angry in the picture and he hasn't even taken a bite yet! Apparently the vapors of an Angry Whopper are enough to inspire aggression even before the subject has begun eating.)

The military is doing cartwheels over this. We at Twisted Edge deserve a commission.

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