The tale of the two hours in which the world almost changed forever...

This morning, for two hours, the United States had a chance. President Bush went under anesthesia to have a number of polyps removed from his colon. (They are now in the National Archives.)

Before President Bush fell asleep in the poppy field after inhaling a gas we all wish was 10% of the earth’s atmosphere, he invoked the rarely utilized 25th amendment, and Dick “Shotgun” Cheney was President of the United States. Dick had his finger on the button! Why didn’t he fix the world? We could have played “Global Thermonuclear Safari” for two hours, which is plenty of time. An anonymous source high in the Federal Government has emailed us wishing to be certain this story is correctly reported by the most credible source.

Wishing to be known only as “Hand-Job”, the source explained that the moment Bush fell unconscious, a gleeful President Cheney ran giggling down the hallway to find the military attaché who constantly accompanies the president, and holds the nuclear codes in a Louis Vuitton handbag known as “the football.” He added, “That’s American football, not the pussy kind where the players don’t try to kill each other.”

The source explained that Cheney and Condoleezza Rice (who appears in this video) then began wrestling and trying to pry the football out of each others’ hands. “It wasn’t that either of them disagreed regarding the cost efficiency and ‘final solution’ presented by our nuclear arsenal. Condi just wasn’t down with laying swaths of bombs to create ‘radioactive borders’ between the U.S., Mexico and Canada.” Rice then called Cheney a “dick,” to which he responded, “I don’t mind that.”

Osama bin Laden, vacationing in Waziristan with an entourage of “burka babes,” (and singing under a pseudonym in this video) sent an email to Al Jazeera claiming responsibility for the condition of the president’s colon, but this boast was quickly renounced by high ranking military officers. “That’s ridiculous,” said a member of the joint chiefs. “The polyps in the president’s colon are a result of the southern diet, which would kill a less robust man as surely as a sword.” He added that since 9/11, the president’s colon has been under constant surveillance by the Secret Service, and that a special satellite, code named “Colon Falcon” monitors a chip implanted near the sphincter that would quickly detect any unauthorized access to Bush’s entrails and autonomously generate a “massive response.”

Sources in the Central Intelligence Agency have long suspected that the infamous “fourth plane,” which crashed in a Pennsylvania cornfield on 9/11 was actually headed for the president’s colon before passengers stormed the cockpit and forced the plane to crash. Owner of the farm, Reuben O'Hoolahan, has long testified that, “The nose of the plane was globbed [sic] with a lubricating jelly.” He added, “And not the regular kind either, but that fancy, ‘warming’ kind” (often used by the world’s most proficient call-girls).

President Bush awoke after his operation to the panicked questions of Pentagon personnel, saw Condi and Dick fighting over the football, and still groggy from anesthesia could only utter the following:

“Screamin’ hound dog,
Anal seizure,
Really don’t take too much to please her.”

Researchers have confirmed this as being one of the lost quintains of William Shakespeare. President Bush says it came to him in a dream, and that perhaps, he is William Shakespeare. God Bless America. Fuck Iran.