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We've been saying it for ages, but it really is time to trim the herd...

To be fair, the governments of our day have done a decent job when it comes to birth control - I like the fact that when I fuck strangers, all I have to worry about is getting the hell out of their apartment before they wake up. My life is a better place since the rulers of the world got together and decided that billions dying worldwide from those nagging little illnesses like AIDS was infact a BAD thing, and thus made contraceptives almost as cheap and readily available as bullets. Marvelous.

As a result, gone are the times when prowling sexual fuckups such as myself would have to ponder "if I hit this shit tonight, when I wake up in the morning will my junk look healthy, or like the flacid skin hanging from Hillary Clinton's neck?" Add to this the fact that, thanks to those cheerful chappies at Durex, I can now make my cock taste like a big rubber ice-cream and I'm laughing.

However, having given every man in the civilized world a colourful swim hat for his little man to keep dry with, the so-called rulers of our nations then went back into their houses of law and forgot about the whole issue - happy to go back to doing... whatever it is those people do (hunting the poor like foxes and feasting on the blood of endangered kittens, probably.) Herein lies the problem - the assholes in charge fell short. Birth control is a good start but what we really need is population control. That's why we at TwistedEdge agree that what is needed to take things to their logical conclusion is...

A selective breeding programme for the masses.

Really. No joking around, we're deadly serious about this one. Everyone's always bitching about their towns and cities being way too crowded these days (except Scotland of course, but that's nothing to do with population expansion, it's just because Scotland is really, really shit.) The newspapers are always going on and on about how the population level is exploding beyond control, and for once they're right. Heck, look at how bad the population situation has gotten in China - the country's so crowded that I hear they've taken to putting people in tiny little boxes and hiding them under the stairs.

Observe the above, and know the face of the enemy. Note the dazed expression and pocket rat - a deadly combination.

It's time to trim the herd. Letting just any bastard breed is bad for the gene pool. Want proof? Go to Burger King, and ask them to do you a burger without cheese. The gibbon serving you will, I can guarantee you, begin to cry from the sheer mental weight of it all. I asked one of these people once for my Coke to have no ice in it, and the goofy bastard actually got a nose bleed from the mental strain he was under. You give these people credit cards, they put them in the till and give you change - that's the level we're dealing with here.

I've been on a crusade against this culture of stupidity for years now, and I think I can identify the tipping point... the very moment I lost all faith in humanity and decided that drastic measures were needed. In the early 1990's the band Crash Test Dummies had a hit single with a song called 'Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm.' In an interview, the lead singer Brad Roberts was asked why his voice is so deep. He laughed and jokingly said he had a third testicle. Anyone with the brain function above that of a battery-powered sex toy would have obviously seen that as a campy attempt at humour. Unfortunately the human gene pool is so diluted with crass, ADD-ridden fuckwits that a week later Brad's agent had to issue a press statement informing the masses that Mr Roberts had infact only two testicles. Sadly no-one believed him.

It's moments like this when I realise that there simply aren't words in the English language to adequately describe the dizzying level of TOWERING FUCKING STUPID that the people walking our streets have to offer.

But yet these people are free to wander our lands, mate with our women and fill the world with a race of bug-eyed retards whose only useful role in life is military service - not active duty, mind, but for being thrown head-first at the enemy when the ammo runs out.

On top of all that, these baffled losers are free to eat our food, graze on our land, fuck our sheep and worst of all, steal our oxygen! Hell, we don't just leave it there, we let these dumbfounded ninnys vote! The leaders of our nations are selected by these degenerates! We can't leave it up to the governments of the world to solve this problem either. These are world leaders, remember, who have allowed Justin Timberlake to wander the planet for decades without being even slightly maimed. Or stabbed. Or mauled by even one grizzly bear.

Well I say enough is enough. I hereby propose that when we hyper-active geeks at TwistedEdge take over the world (which is one day inevitable, obviously) we will take measures to stem the flow, to right the wrongs that generations of hump-and-hope debauchery has caused.

In the state of TwistedEdge, all residents who wish to make babies must be issued with a licence. Those without licences shall have their genitalia sealed with corks and wax like wine bottles to prevent any unlawful breeding.

Given that procreation is human nature, however, we kindly despots who shall one day rule will make getting a licence fairly easy - easy that is, so long as you're one of us - the normal people. Those wishing to acquire a licence simply have to pass our quiz. If you pass, as the vast majority of people will, (i.e. those of us who don't need instruction manuals to operate their fly,) then we'll hand you a glass of champagne, shake your hand and congratulate you on the wonderful journey of wanton sex and state-sanctioned perversion that will follow. If you fail then we line you up outside, chain you to a fence and let the local children throw darts at you for their amusement.
Take a look at the moron above - living proof that in some cases, mass state sanctioned neutering is the only plausible solution.

Hell, why not take the quiz yourself to see where you'd fit in? There's only five questions so it won't take long, and let's face it - it's not like you've got anything better to do with your time. Simply answer the following on a notepad or whatever, then see the answers section at the end of this page to see how you did. Ready? Here goes...

Are you an oxygen-stealing, evolutionally-defunct retard train-wreck of a human being? Take this simple quiz to find out!

1. Paris Hilton is:
a.) A fun-loving, energetic female role-model for the masses, whose message of empowerment and self-improvement is truly an inspiration to us all.
b.) A hotel in the capital city of France.
c.) An organic cock-ornament.
d.) A great candidate to go shark fishing with... so long as she's the bait.

2. The reason behind the untimely death of Reggae legend Bob Marley was:
a.) Death from cancer of the toe.
b.) Death from the massive amount of ganja the guy was on, due to the fact he spent every day of his waking life constantly stoned off his fucking tits on grass.
c.) Bob Marley? Isn't he that guy who did the voice of Chef in South Park?
d.) The result of a covert and elaborate CIA assassination. Due to his message being too 'dangerous' the CIA visited Marley and murdered him via the violent rectal insertion of a woodwind instrument. However, for some convenient reason the autopsy reports failed to show this. A coincidence? Of course not! It's a motherfuckin' conspiracy by The Man™ to hold us all back and to keep the sheep in line! The truth is out there, people!

3.) The character Big Bird from that show Sesame Street is:
a.) Just some prick in a stupid yellow bird suit.
b.) A kind, gentle, loving beacon to which the youth of the world can relate and look up to.
c.) Vigorously concerned about the fact that Bert and Ernie have been living together for decades now, and is determined to catch those two in the bath together so he can inform his fellow brothers of the Klan and bring some God-honest White Justice on their furry orange job-stealing asses.
d.) Definitely a pedophile.

4.) Can you read?
a.) Yes.
b.) No.
c.) Seven and a half.
d.) Rodney Dangerfield.

5.) Of the last 20 people who took this test, all but 15 failed and were dragged off kicking and screaming into the woods and left there to be buggered to death by squirrels, purely for the entertainment of a hand-picked pay-per-view audience. How many passed the quiz?
a.) 5.
b.) 15.
c.) 35.
d.) What quiz?

The rules of enforcement...

Obviously in the current state of play it would be a tad difficult to regulate recreational sex - a few stern laws and the odd public execution isn't enough to stop people fucking around - the mind is strong but the flesh is weak, after all. What we recommend is a in internal explosive system like in that movie Fortress.

For those of you fortunate enough to have never seen that movie, basically it's a shitty film about a futuristic prison in which various assholes die. The important thing here is that upon entry into this prison, inmates have a tiny golf ball sized object blasted down their throats, which lodges itself in their digestive system. If they stray beyond the line, their guts fill with insatiable agony. Try to escape and BANG! the biatch explodes leaving a Gary Coleman sized hole in your midriff and the stickier parts of you all over the ceiling.

I suggest a similar thing here, except... well... to put it one way, penile implants will be the norm. Hell, we wouldn't even have to switch technologies. You pass our quiz, get a licence, your dick-bomb is deactivated. Otherwise they'll be shampooing your manhood off the carpet for decades. As preventative measures go I think it's a winner.

It's people like this who we let drive our battleships. Be afraid. Be very afraid.

Sure, it'd hurt like all bloody hell the first time you get implanted. Sure your piss would go in all kinds of strange directions. Sure, your wang would end up looking like some kind of bizarre hammerhead shark. And sure, anal sex would now feel like you'd found a stop sign by the road and rammed it up your partner's arse. But these are all mere foibles when compared to the massive gains to humanity overall.

I can hear your voices now saying "but what if some enthusiastic, fuck-hungry couples manage to deactivate the dick-bomb then go ahead and make prole-babies without prior written approval?" The answer is obvious - the fact that these semen-splashing bastards have inflicted another mouth-breathing troll unto our society cannot be tolerated.

The punishment is simple - we simply lock both parents of Bastard Jr in a small, dark room together. In that room is a table. And on that table is a gun. Loaded with just one bullet. Only one shall exit. As retribution for their heinous crime, the other shall be disposed of in a way which benefits the populace overall - their body being sold to McDonalds for processing is one idea that comes to mind. Maybe instead of spending all that money on expensive bombs to crush our enemies with, maybe we could just litter their lands with the corpses of The Unworthy?

Not only will that save cash, but it'll tell the infidels overseas that we're really not fucking around. Oh yes, we're definitely not fucking around here. Not in the land of TwistedEdge...

P.S Until the glorious day when the world sees sense and enacts our policies, this link may solve the problem short-term; it is now possible to register yourself, your friends or your family as an Official Moron in the Moron Registry. Register now and get a free certificate. Go on, you know it makes sense...

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Click here to go back to the home page Click here to see our foolish and drunken attempts at humour Click here to read our humiliation of the worst cinematic abortions the movie industry has to offer Click here to see some of the most bizarre news the web's ever puked out

Click here to see the barrage of other crap we have lying around