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Halloween candy: proof that life's an utter bitch.

Ah yes indeed. It's that time of year again where parents of the world send their kids out to beg for food. After 12 months of bitching, moaning and dinner-table tantrums, it's time for mommy and daddy to get their own back - by sending little Jimmy out into the night dressed as Batman's gay cousin, with nothing but a grab-bag to protect him. Victory at last.

I remember the good old days when I could go trick or treating without getting arrested. Ah, those were the days. Those young, naive days. Those careless, electronic bracelet and restraining order free days...

What I always used to like best was the free sweets you used to get off the strangers you'd visit, always quaking in fear, throwing chocolates and candys your way, just hoping you won't throw bricks through their windows or drive their car through the front of their house. Then you return home, arms piled up with sweets, ready to pound your teeth into bloody submission. You see, it's not a real holiday without a diabetes induced coma.

I thought we had it made. That was, until I saw some of the amazing treats the kids are getting these days - especially the Yanks - who, let's be honest, are king of the hill when it comes to giving the kids so much candy they literally shit sugar for a week. This little, seldom-read page is where I get my sweet revenge (pardon the pun) by showing off some of the more... unusual candy treats on offer this Halloween.

Subject #1: The Nestlé Grave Bandit!

Now that’s the problem with Halloween treats in this country; nobody really tries any more. It’s like the world’s lost its imagination. I mean, look what the Yanks get – Nestle’s Bandit! The Queen Whore of all double-entendres! Why can’t we have such blatant innuendo in our country?! WHY GOD, WHY?!

I mean look at this clip I blatantly stole from another website (click here to view.)

Just look at it! Hear those noises?! That’s not horror – that’s Benny Hill in a nudist colony smeared head to toe in peanut butter cackling like a madman!

Imagine hearing that shit every time you want to reach for a candy? Christ – you can almost hear the sound of dentists worldwide weeping in unison – THEY’RE the ones who should be afraid!
Handing out unhealthy treats in a tombstone? Wow – at least they’re being honest. What they going to do next?! Hand out kebabs in a fucking colostomy bag?! Granted, it’s a glorified pizza box. Granted, only morons, the mentally handicapped and The French would ever be gullible enough to buy such a cheesy piece of crap, BUT WHO CARES?! For the comedy value alone, I demand it be imported!

I especially like the message on the back - fell into a mixer?! That's murder! On a kid's candy box! What's the message here? "Eat our food or we'll throw you and your friends in a blender?!" What's next? "Buy this or we rape your pets?!" I love this kind of hard marketing!

Who the hell is Nancy Crunch anyway? Sounds more like a $2 whore than a suitable role model for kids. What's going on here? Is the Nestlé corporation on a secret mission to brutally murder all whores and butlers or something? That's just mean!

The innuendo on this product is priceless though. I particularly like my version - perhaps a marketing idea for the product here in the UK. Look what it says on the front: "Hear it shriek when you reach for a treat!" I didn't even have to change that one - the perversion's already there in plain writing. God bless America.

Isn't Photoshop great?
Subject #2: The Giant Pumpkin Halloween Mask Lollipop!

Here's the blurb from the company's website on this one:

"Creepy pumpkin candy masks large enough to cover a real human face! Each mask has 2 eye-holes for peeking through. Mask package measures 15 inches long and has a net weight of about 14 ounces.... almost a pound!"

Hooray! What a great idea that one is - feed them a whole pound of sugar! Watch in awe as your children start shaking like Ozzy Ozbourne! Laugh as they twitch mercilessly on the kitchen floor! Each package comes with a free Insulin pouch! Hey... you could even use what's left of the mask to hide your face when Social Services come to take you away! Woo hoo!

That's not the main problem with this particular Halloween treat though. Just look at it. Normally masks come in cool and monstrous designs like Dracula, Frankenstein's Monster, Werewolves or Freddy Krueger. This is more like... well... a laughing, creepy, paedophilic uncle. Granted, that's scary as hell, but not really what we're looking for from a mask.

Look! He's even got facial boils! Check out the missing teeth, the pervy grin and the way he so seductively licks his lips. Fuck Michael Myers - want to give the kids a real Halloween nightmare? This is the one to pick!

Hell, even I'm scared. And I'm 22. It sure is an interesting idea though, going house to house, dressed as a bright orange, ageing, sweaty child molester. Whoopee!
Subject #3: The M&M's Pumpkin Mix!

And what about this funky-looking M&M's limited edition?! Pumpkin flavoured?! Hell yes! I especially like the face of the Red M&M here, that pervy little smile on his face. Kinda like that one creepy uncle who always visits on Christmas... the one your parents always warn you of when you’re a kid. “Don’t let him take you into the shed, Jimmy! Noooo! For the love of Jesus!” they warn. I know it’s Halloween and everything – but that’s just fucking scary. Reminds me a little too much of the candy mask above, and that's just plain wrong. Surely Red should be pulling a scary face? But no, the creative geniuses behind the design of this one have him looking like he's just been given a hand-job by Angelina Joelie. That's going to sell big time. He looks like he just shat out those pumpkins, so no wonder he's smiling.
Maybe that's the deal here - the pumpkin flavour is really a strong laxative, and eating more than one pack will have you dropping brown clumps worse than La Conchita. And what's Yellow doing? He appears to be carving a likeness of his perverted playmate into a pumpkin. Very tasty.

Yellow: "Hey Red! Bet you can't swallow a pumpkin whole and shit it out in one piece!"

Red: "Wanna bet, you big yellow bitch?! If I do this though, you gotta take the pumpkin I shat out, and carve my likeness into its soft, gooey, pungent, sticky exterior. Only then will the future generations know of this epic triumph. Only then shall the future inhabitants of this Earth know of the marvels we endured or the sheer limitless reach of our potential."

Yellow: "Ah, just swallow the fucking pumpkin, you wierd red bastard."

Subject #4: Tremor Tubes!

Batteries not included.

Firstly, what kind of crappy parents let their kids watch Tremors?! I’m not bitching about it possibly being scary, or even worrying for the young ones – lets face it, it’s about as scary as a free blow job on your birthday (unless that shady Red M&Ms guy's involved...) However, any parent who thinks it's a good idea to inflict the works of Kevin "I get kicks of playing creepy paedophiles" Bacon on their little ones needs a king-sized foot up their arse. But cheesy 'horror' movie relics aside, that's not the main problem here...

The problem is the shape... rather... unusual, no? I mean come on just look at it, folks – that’s not a Halloween treat, it’s a fucking sex toy! It’s a known fact that the only people buy this Halloween shit anyway are bored, drunk, stoned former students too shit faced to know any better. People like me, basically. And let's face it, on a Friday night after a few too many beers where do you think my new Tremor Tube’s going? Hint: it’s probably not my mouth...
The Tremors from the movie were big long sand worms with big scary teeth and a temper worse than Tyson's. So what in the name of fucking hell was going through these people's minds when they brought this treat out?! Have those people even seen Tremors?!

"Hey, I got an idea - let's make a dildo filled with sand and sell it to children!" the marketing genius will have proclaimed. And somehow, despite what we know about perverts and the sexually depraved, it got through the screening process and into the homes of America. Nice one, guys.

At least next time little Jimmy goes searching through the bedroom cupboards and find's Mommy's battery-powered-buddy, he'll think it's just another lame, shitty Halloween thing and put it down. Either that or he'll try putting it in his mouth... but that's a story for another day...

Subject #5: The Sweet Strawberry Gummy Heart!

Start your kids off on cannibalism from an early age with this exciting new product from the U.S.A! Why make do with boring old chocolate when you can pretend to feast upon the blood-squirting internal organs of another human being! Now there's a message for the future generation!

Next year's products include decimated human brains, partially dissolved fecal matter and the odd boiled foetus. Yum yum.

Let's look at this here - what's this made out of? Want the recipe for this culinary delight? You will need:

1.) Mainly gelatin, which is the placid scrapings from inside of the bones of a dead cow. Yummy. They then boil it down into a semen-looking goo with lumps of corpse fat floating about in it. It's then cast into shapes, or mixed with sugar, you name it.

2.) Sugar. A shitload of sugar. Probably enough to make even the most level-headed and neutral of children into a bouncing, twitching, glucose-crazed maniac. This candy is the size of a fist, so will probably contain enough sugar to make you see sound.
3.) Cochineal. That candy didn't get to be that colour on its own. The most common food colouring used is cochineal, which is made out of the funky-looking goo that splatters out of crushed beetles. They then simply filter out all the guts, legs and other creepy dangly bits and pour it into your food. Niiice.

Tragically, however, the manufacturers of this lovely lump of Halloween havoc wimped out at the final hurdle. A real Halloween treat would squirt out real blood when bitten into, would have a living pulse, and would make blood-curdling screaming noises when squeezed. Now that's fun. That's a guaranteed way to scare those pesky neighbours into shape - after seeing little Jimmy and his friends walking by munching on human organs, they'll never ask to borrow your lawnmower ever again. And if they do, leave a slaughtered deer carcas on their doorstep. Then they'll get the message.

Subject #6: Charm's Blow Pop Frenzy!

Blow. Pop. Frenzy. Erm... wow.

The innuendo here is beyond the limits of human endurance. Beyond the boundaries of human imagination. Go on kids, make Daddy happy this Halloween - Blow Pop! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Wow!

Ah, there's nothing quite like feeling that Halloween juice drip down the back of your throat. Tasty.

What batter way to spend this national holiday than feeling his berries blast? There's even a flavour called Razz for Christ sake!

This is just too much for my simple mind to take. How did this possibly get past quality control?! The fact that we don't have such candid candys here in the UK is a crime beyond words. If they don't import these this second I'm gonna cry.

Subject #7: Creamy Dreams!

Okay, granted - these aren't really Halloween treats so to speak. These are infact a little-known delicacy only available in central Europe, which Team TwistedEdge discovered on our recent trip to Prague (a place you should all definitely go to, considering beer there is less than 50p per pint.)

Creamy Dreams though. That'll get the neighbours talking. The name says it all - especially the little dude on the front who's meant to be a friendly glass of milk, but looks more like a sample pot at a fertility clinic. Now that's tasty!

How much cream can you take? Can you resist their splodgy, salty liquid centres? It makes me wonder what they could possibly be putting into these sweets that can make you so excited at night - to the extent that your dreams become creamy, your sheets forever soiled. Estrogen perhaps. Yes. It's definitely estrogen.

The final word...

It really is amazing what kids will put into their mouths these days.

Compared to all the crap available these days (especially in America), I feel pretty let down by the crap I used to receive in my Halloween grab bag. Kids these days even have fake puke for Christ sake - how cool is that?! Although judging by the picture it looks more like the diseased wank juice of a dying squirrel - but hey, the principal's there nonetheless.

A quick thanks to and X-Entertainment from whom I blatantly stole various images and a video. Thanks for not suing me, guys.

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Click here to go back to the home page Click here to see our foolish and drunken attempts at humour Click here to read our humiliation of the worst cinematic abortions the movie industry has to offer Click here to see some of the most bizarre news the web's ever puked out

Click here to see the barrage of other crap we have lying around