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The path of drunken destruction...

You haven't seen the movie abomination that is Killer Nun. I can almost guarantee that. (Unless, of course, you bought it thinking it was a porno like us.) The reason so few people have seen it is that it's terrible. So bad infact that it was even too bad for Death By Cinema - the graveyard of all the worst cinematic vomitings ever committed to celluloid. This movie has since been labeled by all at TwistedEdge as the third worst movie of all time. A real achievement - I'm sure whoever produced this awe-inspiring shitfest is very proud.

So, being all likkered up as we were, we decided that the only rational course of action would be to destroy it. That way we could set an example to the world in the hope that no-one else would ever have to view this cinematic abortion. Then, after putting it through the kind of sadistic punishment not seen since The Passion Of The Christ, we put the smashed little bugger on eBay.

Below you will witness this fantastic adventure into wanton destruction, and the foolishness of un-named retards with too much money. Don't forget that you can click on any of the images to enlarge. Enjoy...

The beginning...

So there we were - Team TwistedEdge - at the warming party for my new apartment. About half way through our customary mountain of beer, we went through the latest bargain bin DVDs I'd just picked up for consideration for Death By Cinema. One title in particular seemed to stand out: The Killer Nun.

For those uneducated in the world of z-list Swedish cinema, this is a low-budget wonder that somehow made it to our shores in the late 80's, starring some blonde "sex bomb" (their words, not mine) who turned out to be some second rate porno star. You see, the film was unrated and was distributed by a company called Blue Underground.

In our minds, unrated + shady distributor + Swedish sex bomb = porno. Oh how we were disappointed. This... thing, whatever it was, was so bad that we had to fast forward through most of it for the sake of our sanity. Oh, and did I mention that it's dubbed over? After about 20 minutes we snapped, and unanimously decided:

Stage one...
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To their credit, Amazon had gotten the DVD to my place in perfect, pristine condition. That was about to change.

First, I stomped the living crap out of it. The damage was impressive - the case shattered, splitting in half and sending jagged pieces all over my crappy carpet. Next, I worked it over with my vacuum cleaner. It had to be done. Then I grabbed a kitchen knife and carved the word "wank" on it. Because it was.


Stage two...
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There are many things out there that are bad for the shiny side of DVDs - dust, water, humidity, direct sunlight and... tomato salsa. That's right. I had the genius idea of pouring tomato salsa onto it, then smearing it everywhere. That did it a world of good. We left it to dry for a bit, and the salsa actually formed a slimy crust. It smelled funny too. Surely beyond repair by now, but we were just getting started... Note: My apologies for having the world's worst carpet.

Stage three...
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Then I unplugged my old Sega Dreamcast and used it to hammer the living shit out of the DVD. The Dreamcast still works (just) but there's dried tomato salsa smeared all over the inside.

Stage four...
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By now, there was no doubt that this cinematic abortion was thoroughly destroyed. But we didn't let a mere technicality like that stop us. With me leading the way, we searched the apartment for other instruments of destruction to cause havoc with. We found some Lynx deodorant and some wired tasting foreign booze. With these two elements added to this glorious mixture, we were well on our way.


Stage five...

Our apologies: we can't show you section 5. Possibly because it involves a goat.


Stage six...
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Just because it had been shattered, smashed, smeared, beaten, battered and broken, didn't mean we weren't going to try to sell it on eBay. After all people make a fortune selling crap so why shouldn't we? But first, some repairs were needed. So out came the tape... Just to make sure nobody ever played this monstrosity ever again, I made a point of taping the bits together the wrong way round. Life is nothing without a challenge after all. (It was at this point questions were raised about my mental condition.)

Stage seven...
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Ok, so the disc was intact, but way beyond any possible usage. But hey, although the damage done so far exceeded even that of the average Godzilla attack, we wanted more.

It is after all man's natural instinct to smash the living crap out of everything - so why resist?

First came the drowning in Fairy washing up liquid, turning the disc an interesting shade of green. This mixed with the salsa was making some really interesting nasal sensations, I can tell you. Then I poured Henderson's Relish over it. Don't ask why. I don't know even now - maybe something about the black gloopy texture of it. Oh, and then I pummeled the crap out of it with a slipper. Seemed like a good idea at the time.

Stage eight...
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By now the disc was covered in various strange types of goo. It had gotten to the point where you couldn't touch the damn thing without getting that crap all over your hands. So we decided to dry it out - by putting it under the grill. On 200 degrees. The paper began to ripple. The plastic sheet that surrounds the box warped into new shapes previously undiscovered by medical science. The goo on the disc solidified into the kind of scabs you'd normally associate with the Ebola virus.

The final stage...
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After the carnage had finally come to an end, and I'd finally got bored of maiming the DVD, all that was left was to tape the damn thing together again. The problem was that the damn thing was destroyed beyond all recognition - I'm still finding pieces even today. The finished product didn't look all that bad considering what'd happened to it. Granted, it looked like it'd been eaten by a grizzly bear and shat out again, but you have to admire the craftmanship...

And finally...

The next stage in this dastardly mission was to put this heinous piece of shit on eBay, and hope that some lobotomized gibbon out there was actually dumb enough to buy it. Would we succeed in our evil little plan? All will be unveiled in Part 2!

[Note: Actually the above is a crock of shit. We had part 2 ready a while back, and some fucker actually bought it for £0.01 (the power of capitalism never ceases to amaze.) However the stingy bastard then refused to pay, putting us back to square one. We'll try again as soon as we can be arsed. If you give a crap, send us an email here and we'll do it on your behalf. Seriously - we're that shallow.]

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Click here to go back to the home page Click here to see our foolish and drunken attempts at humour Click here to read our humiliation of the worst cinematic abortions the movie industry has to offer Click here to see some of the most bizarre news the web's ever puked out Click here to see the barrage of other crap we have lying around