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The world is screwed. We’re all going to die. All hope is gone. Cue the violin music…

Hello work-shy masses of the internet, how are you today? Good? Doing alright?

Well, according to what I’m hearing these days you shouldn’t be – given the state of play at the moment, apparently you're hiding behind your sofa trembling with fear as you read this. If not, you fucking should be. According to the news sites I read at my desk while pretending to work for a living, the world is in more shit than a vet’s arm during bovine insemination. The world economy has gone tits-up faster than Paris Hilton on home movie night. Lots of countries in the Middle East that we’ve never heard of before and can’t pronounce have decided to pass the time by doing what they do best – bombing the living shit out of each other.
Unemployment rates have risen so high that we can’t even tell how many people are out of work any more because the guy who counts the jobless has been fired. Car makers, high street stores and newspapers are dying like roadside whores in Grand Theft Auto. And Captain America is dead. The whole world, I’m told, is completely and utterly buggered. Hell, even the Spice Girls have finally shut the fuck up.

If what I’m lead to believe is true, all we need to complete the set now is crimson skies raining blood and four particularly miffed looking horsemen storming over the horizon towards us. There’d be a religious fanatic outside my office window right now with a huge sign reading "The End Is Nigh" were it not for the fact that, given the state of the economy right now, they wouldn’t be able to afford the wood. "This Is The End" by The Doors would be a perfect soundtrack to the occasion, were it not for the fact that according to CNN we’ve all had to sell our iPods in order to buy a loaf of bread with which to fend off another day’s starvation.
You get the picture. But this is just the latest fly on the shitpile of society's conciousness; yet another proverbial rapist in the closet for us to worry about. There is one looming threat hanging over our heads that we should (if what we read is true) be really frightened of... perhaps the greatest threat facing our society... the omnipresent, nightmare inducing spectre that is… dare I even say it…

According to my latest website data, 72.49% of you people reading this are Americans - which means you're even more fucked than the rest of us. According to the painstaking three minutes of research I did for this article, "39.8 million American adults (more than 57%) are overweight" and "more than 60% of Americans aged 20 years and older are overweight" (source). Oh, and not to forget: "most studies show an increase in mortality rates associated with obesity. Individuals who are obese have a 10-50% increased risk of death... Obesity is associated with about 112,000 excess deaths per year in the U.S. population relative to healthy weight individuals" (source). Well done America. No wonder Elvis shat himself to death.*

The evidence is clear - while the economic nightmare will leave you broke, the everlasting harbinger of unemployment will leave you divorced and homeless, and the ongoing surge of global warming will turn you to a well-oiled and chargrilled husk, the real danger in these stressful and uncertain times is a slow, painful, cheeseburger related death. Bet those Rwandans from the Oxfam commercials don't look so desparate now, huh? Sure they have to deal with pesky annoyances like famine, oppression, poverty and genocide, but if those stats are right they'll probably outlive you. Well done. Heck, you may as well save time and go dancing in traffic right now.

But wait - there IS a solution. We wise old souls at TwistedEdge are committed to keeping our (few) readers alive - it'd really make us sad to know that people with such good taste in websites as yourselves are out there, dropping like flies thanks to the perils of evils like bacon and ribs. That's why we've decided to do the right thing and lay out some cutting-edge, scientifically infallable dieting advice to help you fat, sweaty bastards lose some weight. Oh sure, you could use the traditional** methods like exercise, healthy eating and all that crap, but since when has such hard work ever yielded results?

Forget all those fad diets, lycra-obsessed exercise dogmas, and all the other borderline-Fascist propaganda that bleeds like liquid shit through your TV speakers every day. Forget the government's advice about drinking plenty of water and eating five fruit and veg a day. That crap's for sissies, for pissy teenage girls and social rejects who still listen to Roxette. You deserve something better, dear humble and gargantuant reader. You deserve diet advice with balls. And as always, TwistedEdge steps up to the plate with the real, hardcore advice that those other pussies are too afriad to give. Prepare yourselves for...

The TwistedEdge Miracle Guaranteed Fantastic Über-wonderful Mega-tastic Weight Loss Plan!

Skeptical? Check out these award-winning, totally kickass testimonials...

Never underestimate the power of marketing.
Never underestimate the power of marketing.

If you're still undecided, how about a totally disposable, fear-inducing throwaway soundbite to get your attention?: "The fear of being fat is so overwhelming that young girls have indicated in surveys that they are more afraid of becoming fat than they are of cancer, nuclear war or losing their parents" (source). Hell yeah! Now there's an attitude we can work with!

That not enough to bring you over to the winning team? How about this: "A survey of parents found that one in 10 would abort a child if they knew it had a genetic tendency to be fat" (source). That's right - a website has scientifically proven that if you're fat, your parents may well be conspiring to have you killed. Remember - Mom knows best!

With that out of the way, it's time to get into the steaming piles of awesome that are our tips on how you bloated, greedy bastards can keep your veins from looking like the inside of Amy Winehouse's vagina. Simply try ANY of these options to lose weight like you couldn't even imagine. Let the dieting begin!

Bulimia: vomiting to victory.

According to the American soap-operas that I watch (which, incidentally, I assume to be undeniably accurate portrayals of modern life) teenagers the world over share one prevailant hobby - bulimia. Never before has anything been so trendy and popular amongst our youth than the fun, wholesome act of ramming your fingers down your throat so hard that you puke up your guts all over the floor, all over yourselves, all over each other. Now there's a real passtime for today's teens!

We here at TwistedEdge see this as a more natural, more effective and more amusing way to lose weight. Any fool can puke - that's the whole charm of it. Sure, bulimia has been around since forever. Sure it's been a hot button topic since mankind worked out it was copious amounts of food (rather than Satan or the threat of Communism) that makes people fat. So what? It's easy, it's fast and the fact that every bastard and their boyfriend is doing it guarantees you social acceptance; you'd be part of the "In Crowd" and swimming amongst the A-List faster than you can say "Oops! There goes dinner!"

Dieting pills are for wimps. The Subway Diet is for failures. And who has the time to exercise in this day and age? Accept bulimia: the sexy alternative. After all - nothing screams "cute" to us guys quite like the sight of a woman so skinny she looks like she shat out her own heart! The same goes for men too. Probably.

Safety is for sissys!

This method's easy - all you have to do is use the tips of your fingers to tickle your tonsils until your body, happily grateful for the kindness and attention you're paying to it, rewards you by heaving up your stomach contents (plus a bonus gallon or so of stomach acid) all over your bathroom.

The weight loss potential of such a foolproof scheme is obvious. Don't be put off by the dizzy spells, choking and occasional blackouts that come as unexpected prizes from this post satisfying of passtimes - just think of them as your body's funky little acknowledgement for all your hard work.

Also, according to current scientific wisdom, "eating disorders are now the third most common chronic illness in adolescent girls." See? All the cool kids are doing it - so should you! Plus "it is estimated that 3% of women will be affected by eating disorders in their lifetime" (source).

Given that the population of America is roughly 303,824,640 (July 2008 estimate) and that women are half the population, that would mean that 1,822,947.8 people are already ahead of you in embracing this chic and sexy new trend. Join the herd, before you become obsolete!

There's more - according to the source we so heavily plagarized above, "An excess of $32 billion sales are posted by the diet industry... The Ottawa Citizen (1990) reported Canadian sales by diet centres of at least $300 million per annum."

See, not only are people generally falling for those other lightweight diet schemes en masse, they're also paying a fortune, the gullable bastards! And these people won't even lose half the weight you will just by doing the ol' two finger swan-dive two or three times a day. Why should only those with disposable incomes be able to get thin? Regardless of your financial situation, you too can spew your way to happiness!
And remember, if you're having trouble making yourself throw up, simply stick your fingers up your ass before shoving them down your throat - that'd make anyone hurl chunks. Plus who knows? It might actually pass for some kind of nutrient! So why keep on messing about with all these normal diets when you can self-harm your way to a flatter stomach?!

The heroin diet.

Let me put this to you nice and simple so even our readers from Wales can understand it:

If only all maths were this easy...

Or let me put it another way; when was the last time you ever saw a fat junkie? Precisely.

Sure a decent, life-threatening, time-destroying heroin addiction costs a lot of money - but think of all the money you'll be saving on food while passed out in the corner, drooling lifelessly all over yourself! Heroin addicts spend hours, if not days in psychotropic unconsciousness, lying there in a vegetative state, slowly starving to death / fabulousness without even the slightest bit of effort. Sure it'll send your ass to prison faster than a neon sign saying "Hi, I'm a Rapist" but so what? Who wouldn't want to look thin and slender in those prison showers? And think of all the wonderful new friends you'll make in the process! Truly a win-win situation if ever there was one.

Yes, the media have given heroin a bad reputation. And yes, there is the rather dizzying chance of you smashing yourself to death in a drug-induced seizure, or choking to death on your own vomit - but when did something as magnificent in life as fitting into designer jeans ever come without a price?

Think of it not as a debilitating addiction, but more as a labour saving device. It's not as if you'll have to exert much energy while you lay on your bed for days with a needle in your arm is it? You may even shit yourself while under, saving you the added effort of having to get up and walk all the way to the bathroom! Another bonus! All the while you'll be watching the pounds and ounces just drop straight off you.
Sure, this wonder-diet may seem a little extreme, but so what? Even Sherlock Holmes did heroin, and if a 19th century fictional character from Olde English literature did it, then it MUST be cool!***

Just about every celebrity or movie star you see / dream of / wank over is probably on heroin, so why not hero worship and join in yourself? Those supermodels up there on the catwalk are all on heroin, so we're told, and there's no denying their sex appeal - and when you consider all the countless wonderful things that those up-standing individuals contribute to society, who can argue?

It's supermodels after all who show the most hardcore dedication to the TwistedEdge Miracle Diet - few others would ever have the soul-crushing tenacity, let alone the strength of character to try not one but two of our infinitely sexy weight-loss methods. Builima AND heroin? Rock on! Hats off to them, we say.
There is no such thing as a fat junkie.
There is no such thing as a fat junkie.
Oh sure, these words on your screen right now may shock you with their unquestionable wisdom and infallible truth, but more people are taking up this subtle new diet than you may think. Did you know "current estimates suggest that nearly 600,000 [American] people need treatment for heroin addiction. In the 25 to 49 age group, illicit drug overdose is the fourth leading cause of death, about the same number as motor vehicle crashes... In 2000, as part of DAWN's year-end emergency data report, heroin related emergency room visits increased 15% from the last year." (Source). Remember how cool and trendy the Bulimia Diet option was? This one's just as hip and popular and glamorous!

I haven't yet mentioned the best part of this diet though - it's really, really, really easy to stick to. The problem with most diets is that you go on them for a while, lose a little weight, but then get bored of all the cardboard-tasting shit you have to eat, leap off the wagon and end up back on the ol' beer and pizza routine. It takes real grit and determination to stick to normal, traditional diets so most people don't succeed. That's the problem.

The heroin diet is different - it takes no will power whatsoever to continue this diet. It's so effective that your cravings for food will disappear entirely! After a few months you'll be able to think of nothing else but this fantastic new diet! Heck, most people like this diet so much, they find they can't stop! Some people find their lives so magically transformed by this diet they stick to it for the rest of their lives - some even as far as their 30's or 40's!

The I.R.A method.

As with the sweeter things in life, this one practically sells itself (especially if you're a convicted felon with a penchant for explosives who gets all teary-eyed when people refer to "The Troubles".) Yes folks, the I.R.A Hunger Strike diet may well be the most effective weight loss regieme known to man, challenged only perhaps by the equally impressive Rwandan Famine weight loss plan. Yes I too was surprised that a homicidal paramilitary group of Irish terrorists would hold the key to being thin, but hey, you take these nuggets where they land I guess.

It all started in October 1980 when a bunch of convicted I.R.A terrorists got all pissy about having their special rights revoked. Unhappy about being bullied by the other inmates for being child-killing mass murderers, they leapt into action. Initial protests involved such fun, wholesome activities as refusing to wash and smearing their shit all over the prison walls, but shockingly the authorities didn't give in to this.
That's where this spectacular diet came in. Oh sure, many would argue that the "Long Kesh" (suicidal hunger strike) was about making a political statement, not about making yourself look fabulous in this season's new clothes, but those people are obviously idiots. What would they know about being thin and popular, about fitting in with all the other cool skinny kids?

In order to get what they wanted, they took the same route as my two year old cousin, and stopped eating. (My cousin also shat the bed and refused to wash, albeit for politically separate reasons.) The deal was that 7 of them would refuse their meals; either the British government give in to the demands, or have their deaths on their conscience. Naturally the media flocked in like Paris Hilton's mouth to a cock, and the hunger strikers rose to fame.
Sure he died, but just imagine the jeans he could fit into...
The British government did what they do best - wet themselves under the heat of the public spotlight and gave in.After 58 days without food, the strikers became folk heroes. Some say this is because of the do-or-die nature of their life-or-death struggle. I say it's because they (thanks to their new anorexic and totally sexified skeletal waistlines) could even make flares and mullets look good. A victory for fashion AND pissed off terrorists. Everyone was happy. Well, hunger striker Sean McKenna wasn't because he was in a coma and on the brink of death, but I bet he took solace in his ability to fit into any pair of jeans in the world!

Having become heroes of the dieting fraternity, they decided a sequel was in order. I forget why - visions of their protruding hip bones and the undeniable sexiness of near-starvation should have been reason enough. This time though, the UK had a leader with balls of bullet-proof, rugged steel (Margaret Thatcher) who sadly knew nothing of fashion, as photos from the time will attest. Knowing nothing of what it is to be stick-thin and therefore cool, she didn't understand the sacrifice these guys were making in the name of fashion. 66 days passed and one of the hunger strikers, Bobby Sands, snuffed it.

Various riots and other entertaining miscellania followed, but what cannot be denied is the unquestionable weight loss associated with this diet. This proves that, if determined enough, you could go 60+ days without food, easy. Imagine how sexy you'd look then? Those bitchy pretenders like Kate Moss and Keira Knightley would be exposed for the rank amateurs they are when compared to you! Our advice would be to simply wait until day 50 or so, then eat a pretzel. Simple.

Sure, the damage to your health would be astronomical. Sure people would be afraid to fuck you for fear of snapping you in half like dry kindling. Sure, people of a certain age who pass you in the street will have nauseating Auschwitz flashbacks just by looking at you. And sure wild dogs may well chase you down the street, looking to bury you in the nearest garden with all the other lifeless, fleshy bags of bones they've found. But in this media-saturated, image-obsessed culture we live in, such things are surely unimportant...

Kill yourself.

According to a Sean Penn movie I watched just recently, at the very moment a human body dies, it loses 21 Grams instantly. There was some kind of subtle suggestion that this might be the soul leaving the body; some astral projection of the final truth to all spirituality. I wouldn't know, I was busy trying to talk my girlfriend into eating a Tequila worm. However, what I did notice is the undeniable dieting potential of such a feat - 21 grams... lost forever... instantly... just for being dead? Wow - few other methods produce such guaranteed results as that!
Bang bang, on the door baby!
Sure, 21 grams is a small, lowly number but - let's face it - that's 21 grams more than you're ever going to lose via one of those pussified traditional methods. And besides, there's no sucky foods, no shitty fitness programme, no having to suffer the humiliation of dragging your fatty, spandex-clad ass into a packed gym.

All you have to do to forever lose a guaranteed amount of weight is die. That's it. Just die. Surely that's not such a big price to pay?

Unlike those heretic schemes like the so-called "Weight Watchers" programme, you don't have to pay a thing for this diet plan either! Regardless of your social or financial standing, we guarantee that you'll be able to afford this scheme.
Plus - depending on the method of suicide chosen, bits of you might even fall off in the process, maximizing your weight loss! If your method of departure somehow involves you exploding upon impact, you'll end up weighing practically nothing at all! See? The TwistedEdge plan is pure fucking genius!

That's it, the end, zip, finito, done.

And that's it, humble reader - undoubtedly the greatest diet advice page to ever grace the internet. Never before in the history of mankind has there ever been a tome of such unquestionable logic and wisdom. Go on, take a moment to bask in the warm glow of our knowledge. We just saved your worthless, obese little life, so be thankful!

Knighthoods and Nobel Prizes in the post, if you please. Until the day comes, however, when we receive our rightful praise as saviors of all humanity, just relax with the knowledge that for now at least, this crazy little world of ours has one less terror to worry about...

*The more vindictive of you readers may be thinking things like "sure, you pompous Limey bastards, we have fat people - but so do you!" That's not true - we don't, because we ate them.

**Obviously by "traditional" we mean "pussified" or "Communist."

***An email came in recently informing us that Sherlock Holmes did cocaine and morphine, not heroin. But hey - the point stands - he wasn't fat. Thin as a fuckin' rake if memory serves. It's a moral victory, really...

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