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The military application of house cats (a.k.a how to win the war...)

TwistedEdge solves the global war on terror...
Bask in the glow of our unquestionable design prowess, infidels!

Look, I don’t understand what the big problem is. If I were running the show, in four short days everyone in the Middle East would be on their knees, kissing my hand and begging me not to kill them.

The resources at hand are more than sufficient. One of a hundred things that could be done is simply to have squadrons of B-52s pour millions of gallons of napalm on Ramadi.

That would be day one.

When you roll out the napalm and just let it fall where it likes, even the most suicidal opponent will rethink his strategy. But we have the P.C*, and they won’t let us fight this war to win, so I’ve decided on a solution that hopefully we can all live with (well, at least those of us who should).

The Abyssinians first used cats in warfare. They went into battle with them and hurled them at the enemy. The cats, when properly thrown, would grab onto the enemies’ faces. Maybe they didn’t kill anyone, but it sure would be annoying after a while, especially on the scale I’m thinking of.

My friends here at TwistedEdge (all unquestionable U.S.A.F material I can assure you) and I have devised a cat-gun, and I expect approval from the D.O.D any day now, after we iron out how exactly we’re going to explain this as being in accordance with the Geneva Convention, because really it’s not biological warfare in any traditional sense.

Now, I can’t really credit the Abyssinians with having inspired my weapon, which will soon turn the tide of this war. Honestly, it was my personal war-cat, The Lesser Satan.

My cat is a mass murdering bastard, raised on the mean streets of Tampa Bay. Everyone in the apartment complex knows that when you see The Lesser Satan, you either yield, give him shrimp, let him in to chill out and lick his huge balls on your pillow, or whatever he desires.

We’ve all seen this cat kill squirrels, other cats, large dogs, humans (including my ex-girlfriend, may she rest in pieces) and once a year, on Halloween, a herd of cattle. When The Lesser Satan raises his paw and extends his venomous claws as a warning, you do what he telepathically tells you to do.

Of course we can’t send my war-cat. He’s busy maintaining order in Florida. Also, few other cats can take down a delicious herd of angus so quickly. The Lesser Satan is too valuable an asset to attend the jihad.**

Now, across this great nation, there are millions of cats available, and ready to fight for democracy! These heroes still possess the true spirit of the fight for freedom, or something, and the valor to carry out the mission successfully (unlike Nancy Pelosi).

Originally the plan was to just distribute baskets of cats to the ground troops, who could throw them at everyone. Those people don’t really like cats anyway, and when you throw one hard enough, you’d be surprised at how viciously it takes out its ire on whoever it hits first. (We did some testing on local children.)

During that testing, we realized that the damage the cat would inflict on a given target was directly correlated to its velocity at time of impact, as long as it wasn’t so fast that the cat would simply die, which though effective, doesn’t provide the secondary strike capability we were counting on. That’s when we designed the cat-gun (weapons system CG-666 - “Devil Annoyer”).

The cat gun can be deployed via air, land and sea. It is elegant in its simplicity.

First, the cat is rubbed down with pork grease (which the cats enjoy, but Muslims do not) and it just so happens that in what we refer to as the “Sphinx Position”, head down, the cats fit nicely into a tube approximately 7 inches in diameter.

The pork grease helps seal the cat in the tube so that when air pressure is applied, it doesn’t just slip past the cat and out of the muzzle.

Nothing is wasted.

It’s almost like American Indians designed it… except they didn’t.

I can’t get into specifics regarding the propulsion and targeting components of the system as they are classified. Suffice it to say however, that once the fifty cat magazine is loaded, it’s really a “fire and forget” weapon.

Not only does the cat annoy and scratch the will to fight out of primarily engaged personnel, but it then “loiters,” taking out its anger and confusion on anyone else proximal to the initial impact.

Additionally, there is a battleship-ready multi-cat blaster in development that can fire over 300 cats per blast. These cats can travel over 40 miles en route to the target area and land in a cluster bomb pattern, enraged and confused, rendering an area of up to 10,000 square yards uninhabitable for up to six hours.

Further news will be made available as necessary, but the point is this: Rejoice, for the war is won, thanks again to your friends in arms here at TwistedEdge.
* P.C herein obviously referring to the 'Politically Correct' or 'Pussy Contingent' as we like to call them.

** Oh, I can hear the stoned California vegetarians saying, “If your cat went to Iraq, you wouldn’t be so aloof about the jihad!” Screw you! You’re drafted!

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