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It's your final goodbye - here's some tips on making it truly memorable...

Let's face it; funerals are fucking terrible. Really. Have you ever been to one you enjoyed? Ever crack a smile or fire off a few laughs while trapped at one of these demure monstrosities? Thought not. I've been to plenty of funerals and can sadly report they literally bore people to tears. They really do. Tears everywhere. Want proof? Here's a couple of images a quick Google search turned up...


See the look on these people? Bored faces all around, complete with the guy on the far left literally cursing God for the sheer mind-numbing anguish he's having to endure.
In life Versace was a boysterous, fun-loving guy. In death his funeral bored even Princess Diana to sleep.

That's the main problem with funerals - they're boring. Boring, boring, boring. No matter how fun, energetic, joyous or awe-inspiring the life of the person being buried, the funeral is always... well, crap. And I'm tired of it. Why not have as much fun in death as you did in life? Why not use a little imagination?

Life's a bitch. And death's even worse. But there's no reason your funeral need be as boring, dull, slow and soul-destroying as the ones pictured above. Why not make your funeral an event? Why not leave a mark? Why not have your ceremony etched forever in the psyche of every lucky mortal gratefully in attendance?

Funerals are shit. But with our help, yours could be awesome. Here's a few friendly tips you get you thinking...

Posthumously join a biker gang and have them rock your funeral.

Let’s face it – of all the eight or nine people who will ever read this page, it’s fair to assume that at least seven of you are boring as fuck. Seriously – take a look at yourself. Will anybody write books about you after you’re gone? Or build statues in your memory? Or even tell nostalgic, drunken tales about what a great and exciting life you lead? The answer’s no, retard! After all, the evidence is pretty strong on this one; right now you could be doing absolutely anything… drinking weird foreign death-strength booze, bungee jumping, trecking across wild and uncharted lands, or banging a beautiful girl in the arse so hard she gets Gulf War Syndrome. The possibilities are endless – at least they are for people other than you. You’re sat in a dimly lit room reading my bullshit. That's game, set and match, amigo.

But while it may be too late for you to salvage something of yourself now, at least you can make amends when it comes time to bury you. Why have a conventional, boring old funeral to go with your conventional, boring old life? Be creative! Hire a biker gang! Seriously. Nothing says "badass motherfucker" better than an army of crazed Hell's Angels riding in your honour, maniacally screaming your name and pounding the living crap out of random vegetarians in your memory. Couple that with a 21 shotgun salute and a medium-sized lake of whiskey to honour your name and you're rolling into the afterlife with enough inertia to make God, Jesus and all the Saints your eternal bitches. Vishnu too, probably.

Unconventional? Yes.

But it sure will guarantee that those who forgot about you in life sure as hell remember you in death.

Plus, you get to go speeding into the Great Pussy of Valhalla dressed head-to-toe in leather while riding on the back of a kickass Harley - that sure beats the heck out of going slowly down a conveyor belt in a cheap wooden box, clad in an ill-fitting suit with Mozart farting away in the background, doesn't it?

Another advantage of this approach is it's a good way to piss off any of those pesky straight-edge, right-wing Christian Fundamentalist types who may have gathered round you. Posthumously joining an outlaw biker gang decidated to Satan is enough to get them riled - combine that with something tasteful in your choice of music ('Jihad' by Slayer always goes down well) and you're golden.

There truly is nothing quite like an oversized possey of pissed off Christians to get a party started. Watching these startled fairies being fed to rabid bikers is the icing on the cake.


Bring some spice to proceedings.
Join a gang.

It sounds a bit far-fetched, sure. There's no chance a bunch of cool cats like the Hell's Angels would even look at you twice while alive, so what'd change things after death? Let me put it to you like this - there are only a handfull of things that your stereotypical biker is concerned about;

  • Big, shiny motorcycles.
  • Enough booze to drown an ox.
  • Fire.
  • Megadeth, and
  • Whores.

In that order. Simply provide enough of the above and any biker gang worth their Christ-punching salt is bound to let you join their club. Sure, these things are expensive. But when you consider how much time and money the average white single male wastes on porn subscriptions, then such fiscal concerns become mere piffle. Besides - nobody can accuse you of a mid-life crisis when you're dead.

Like I said earlier, you'll be remembered in death much more favourably than you ever could be in life - which is kind of how a funeral should be, don't you think? Just think of the conversations your colleagues would have by the office water cooler the next day...

Colleague #1: Hey dude, did you go to that funeral the other day?
Colleague #2: You mean the one for Bob from Accounting? Hell yeah! Dude - that was awesome!
Colleague #1: Yeah man! I always thought Bob was a bit of a pervy, lonely little prick... but it turns out he was the Grand Master of a fuckin' biker gang! Who'd have thought!
Colleague #2: Totally. Man, I wish I could have 75 half-naked biker sluts singing Pantera at my funeral! And wow I'd love to have the balls to have my coffin driven off a cliff on the back of a Harley Davidson Roadmaster... that's some hardcore shit!
Colleague #1: Yeah - I kinda feel sorry for wanking off into his coffee all these years now.
Colleague #2: Yeah...

See that? Respect. Need we say more? All this reminds me of something I saw on the news a few years ago - the funeral of Hell's Angel Gerard Tobin. Granted, he had the foresight to join a gang while he was still alive, but hey - check out this article to see what kind of funeral you could be missing out on. Then think of all the funerals you've been to. Which one kicks the most ass? I rest my case...

Use some other bastard’s corpse.

It’s a hard time for your loved ones – having heard about your tragic and possibly bloody / painful / explosive demise, they’ll be anxious to give you a nice, traditional and nauseatingly teary send-off. But why go with convention? Why not cause a stir? Why not add an element of surprise, some shock value?

Imagine the looks on your family’s faces when they turn up at your burial, peer over the open coffin… only to see some other random bastard in your place? Pure comedy gold. Be sure to have someone on hand with a camcorder to film all their reactions, naturally. You can even have your friends take bets on who faints the first. If you really want to up the ante, then why not pick a corpse with a ridiculous hard-on to provide that added mirth when the time comes to try and close the coffin door? You need to go the whole distance with this one though – can you imagine your posthumous embarrassment if you were to put in someone else’s corpse but nobody noticed? Wouldn’t that be a bitch? Act now and ensure such humiliating lapses never happen – we’re talking polar opposites here. You a skinny white guy? Bury Oprah. You know it makes sense.

I've got mine sorted already...

Where you source your corpse from is very important – we suggest that you really take pride in your work and arrange to have someone murdered in advance, (or kill them yourself if cash is tight,) and then simply stick them in the freezer in waiting for your fateful day. When the big day comes, simply stick the fucker out in the sun for a few hours to defrost, then let the games begin!

Those with more squeamish moral qualms can take the pussy alternative and simply utilize one of the thousands of dead homeless littering our streets – doing it this way is a double service as;

a.) it’s not as if these poor hobos ever get a shot at a proper burial anyway, and

b.) by scooping up these corpses from our streets you’re technically helping to save your town from litter. People will thank you, eventually.

A third option exists too, if neither of the above tickle your fancy – why not go all Mary Shelley and just dig some fucker up? There’s millions of fresh corpses buried every year, and once they’re under what good do they do anyone? None! They’re just laid there, rotting, doing bugger all for the greater good – why not put them to use? Sure, the church service will have a certain charming… odour to it, but what do you care – you’re dead! And hey, what's a funeral without the foul stench of rotting flesh and uncontrollable waves of vomit? Man up and get digging!

If none of the above fits in with your so-called ‘morals’ then there’s one final way – simply kidnap and drug your favourite actor of choice. After all, your friends and family are going to be devastated by your loss (maybe) so why not lighten the mood and have Morgan Freeman take your place? I’m sure there’d be more than one grateful smile amongst your funeral party were they to see Paris Hilton taking your place – and they’d have some nice tits to stare at too! Bonus!

Have your body mailed to a stranger.

The logic here is simple - burials these days are very expensive considering all you're getting for your money is a cheap pine box, a hole in the ground and an eternity of being eaten alive by peckish vermin. Not exactly worth the thousands people pump into these things is it? You sure as shit wouldn't pay through the nose for this crap while still alive, so why do so when you're dead? Unless you're some weird, morbid freak who gets their kicks hanging out with undertakers, it'll be a stranger that puts you in the ground - so why pay? Why not let some other random bastard have the pleasure of disposing of your corpse for free?

Remember, life is all about surprises. Death should be no exception. And why not have the generosity to share some of that with those who didn't have the (mis)fortune of meeting you before your swan dive off this mortal coil? The method behind this one is really simple - just have your next of kin go through the phone book looking for the funniest name they can find, then once your unsuspecting victim has been found, simply have your corpse wrapped up in brown paper (bubble wrap too, if you're fancy) and have that shit sent direct. I hear Fed-Ex are good.
After all, you're dead - so whats the worst that can happen? They feed your remains to the neighbourhood cat perhaps. Big deal. If you take the advice anywhere else on this page then chances are you've already had a truly epic, crotch-rockingly awesome funeral... after something like that who cares if Felix the cat uses your ocular cavities to shit into?

Besides, you're dead - this probably means that unless you're Hugh Heffner and you got literally fucked to death, then you died of one of the nasties - a heart attack perhaps. Or cancer. Or you got fed head first into rotating combine harvester blades, whatever.

The point is you died a nasty, hurtful death while your unwitting recipient is off watering the garden or wanking over Lindsay Lohan. Why should they have all the fun? Settle the score, even the proceedings. Go Air Mail. Your front row view from Heaven will ensure a first-class look at their weeping, mortified face.

There's plenty of scope for upping the ante here too. Why settle for delivery to their front door when extra points can be earned by having your festering, rotting corpse deposited in their car, or their swimming pool. Or their bed. That'll stir things up for sure. Wearing nothing but socks and a smile can also be a useful trick, as is waiting till the recipient's birthday and having yourself gift-wrapped just for the occasion.

This trick obviously also makes for an excelled 'Fuck You!' to one's enemies from beyond the grave. Filling yourself full or rats, or roaches, or a virilant strain of the Ebola virus is often a useful addition for this purpose. One trick would be to have yourself reported as murdered, and to fill the package your're mailed with full of incriminating evidence - that way you can time it for the cops to arrive just in time for your nemesis to realise the morning post's having them sent down for murder one.

Whatever - I'm just planting the seeds of your imagination here - it's up to you to be creative. Just remember to include a return address - the last thing you want is for your body to get lost in the post.

That's all folks...

There's plenty more ideas where that came from. As stated earlier - the aim of this is just to light the fuse of your imagination. Why slip into the great beyond in mediocrity? Go out with a bang! Finally, here's a few more ideas that I didn't have time / couldn't be arsed to write up...

  • Cannibalism - the gift that keeps on giving.
  • Demand that your relatives be buried with you.
  • Screw the priest - hire a clown!
  • Unleash badgers. Unleash hell.

Oh, and here's another tasty morsel for you to consume from FreakingNews.com.

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