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Insane Japanese Body Modification.

In the quest for aesthetic perfection, some people are willing to take things just too far. The freaks.


Greetings, you big, fat, ugly, heinous freaks. You know who you are. How dare you not be perfect? How dare you walk the streets with your ugly face on, scaring the children like that? Well, now there's a cure apparently.

Fresh from those insane mofo's over in Japan comes a new wave of body modification sets designed specifically to turn you from the frog prince into the bell of the ball. Or at least that's the idea. I think.

You see, unlike those 'traditional' beauty devices which aim at those namby pamby areas like belly tyres, straw-like grey hair, unsightly pubic swellings or facial syphilis, this hoard of horrors concentrates on making you look like a Hannibal Lecter lookalike giraffe with a Pinocchio nose. Lovely. And these are just a few, Christ only knows the true extent of what's happening over there in the land of the rising sun...

The All-In-One Face Thinnerizer!

That's right folks! You too could own your very own Hannibal Lecter mask! Why worry about those pesky love handles or an ass the size of Bulgaria when you can be strapping on this blue rubber Medieval torture device?! Sweat the muscles right off your face with this funky contraption, new from the company who brought you meningitis and sarin gas (possibly.)

This crazy product not only makes you look like something from a horror movie but slims your face using contact pressure and doubles as a sauna to sweat the fat away.

Can you possibly imagine anyone walking down the street with this thing wrapped round their melon? Can you see anyone going to work in this shit, typing away in the office while hundreds of micro steam jets gradually turn your face into grilled pork rinds? Me neither.

This opens the facial pours, allowing dirt to leave the skin and then float around in a lake of facial sweat, flowing, pulsating down your face towards your mouth, dripping out those holes at the front, like the drool of a moronically possessed pervert. Lovely. I think I'll get my woman one for Christmas. She loves romantic crap like that.

Or maybe not. I'm sure wearing one of these things'd have the boys swarming... toasted, sweaty bacon being as sexy as it is.

The All-New Big Pimpin' Neck Strecher-oonie!

Another interesting but useless gadget from Japan, we have the uber-shitty neck stretcher. To use this thing, simply place around the neck, than use the hand pump to send air rushing through the tube. You are supposed to feel a nice “refreshing sensation” as the pressure slowly stretches the back of your neck. Unfortunately, like always, you can only purchase this in Japan ($25 USD).

Perhaps having a neck like a giraffe is sexy over there? Perhaps being able to rub your forehead on any ceiling is a sign of power? Perhaps there's a sudden evolutionary need to eat the foliage of local trees? Perhaps it's all a conspiracy between The Man and the Japanese scarf manufacturers - if you have a longer neck, you'll need a longer scarf, and so on.

Or perhaps this is just another useless piece of crap from the nation renowned for bringing us useless pieces of crap. But who am I to judge? It'd make one heck of an amusing murder weapon I guess.

Maybe this could be used for other parts of the body? There's a definite market for people who want to make something longer, at least. Or so I've been told. Ahem.


The Almighty Blingin' Nose-Stretcher!

Yes! Thankyou God! Finally! It has arrived! It's here! The device we've all been waiting for. Our short, fat nose problems are finally solved! Why put up with a normal, human looking nose when you can have one like Pinocchio? He was a celebrity after all!

From those inspirational thinkers and geniuses / megalomaniacal deviants of the Hana Hana corporation, comes the Nose Stretcher thingie, an all-in-one device designed to inflict pain and make you look fabulous at the same time! Fantastic!

I've always been baffled by the bizarre lengths people will go for to achieve 'beauty' in this country alone, but this takes the piss. While people in the UK are willing to spray themselves orange to look 'tanned' / 'Tangoed', there's always some nutter overseas willing to take it one step further.

Perhaps having your nostrils hanging down around your knees will finally have the boys chasing after you. Perhaps having a neck taller than a double-decker bus will finally allow you to see the masses of horny lovers coming? And surely dressing up like an over-cooked, slightly steamed Hannibal Lecter won't scare the admirers away at all.

Maybe I'm missing the point. Or maybe I'm just getting too old for this shit. Who knows. Or maybe the Japanese are just taking the piss.

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