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The Large Hadron Collider: laughing in the face of God.

There’s an awful lot going on in the dusty world of science these days, and 99.9% of it is so God-damned boring it could put the Roadrunner into a coma just hearing about it. For generations the scientific community has been lorded by quirky old boffins with long overcoats and bad teeth who make girlish in-jokes about the chemical characteristics of Lactic Acid and giggle when people ask them where hiccups really come from. These are a race of people for whom the properties of Phylogenetic plant-life send them into an uncontrollable masturbation frenzy. These are the people who for decades now have been locked away in dingy little labs, far removed from normal society. These are people the world has quite rightly chosen to forget.

Normally this would be a bad thing, were it not for the factor of how dick-stompingly boring these socially-retarded geniuses turn out to be. Want proof? How about this then – Henrik Clausen. Yes. Henrik Clausen. How many of the seven people who will ever read this have ever heard of poor ol’ Henrik? Not one. But yet this is the spritely lab-rat who in 2007 came up with a way to turn any blood type into Type O, forever ending blood donation shortages worldwide and saving countless lives. But has the world ever heard of this? No – because it’s all to do with enzymes and the shearing of blood sugars and other such wank that’s frankly about as interesting as watching your toenails grow.

And that’s the thing. Normally science is best left to the experts because any civilized being in our society is incapable of giving a fuck about any of this toss. Seriously – it’s biologically impossible for a normal person to ever give even the slightest semblance of a shit about science. Scientists are a different breed; cut from different DNA and as evolutionarily different to the rest of us as monkeys. Or hamsters.

Normal people like you or I will always kneel to our inbuilt instinct to isolate and distance ourselves from these people, or at the very least to kick the living shit out of them for our own entertainment. But yet these are the people whose fun little discoveries make the world a much nicer, safer and generally better place to be.

But this warm, snuggly blanket of ignorance is soon to be ripped away. For the world of science has come up with something so momentous that no man, woman or child can choose to ignore it. I refer, of course, to the crotch-dampeningly awesome scientific gismo that is The Large Hadron Collider. What makes it so awesome? I believe ZDnet.co.uk put it best; “The largest machine in the world — and arguably the biggest scientific experiment in history — the LHC is designed to answer some of our most fundamental questions about the origins and nature of our universe.” Hell yeah! The aim of this machine? To recreate the conditions of what the universe was like nanoseconds after the Big Bang, the very moment when life as we know it came to be. That’s right – those funny little men in their white coats have dreamed up a way to kick God in the nuts. Cool, huh?

This 17 mile long machine can tell us exactly what was going down amongst all the primordial fire and stuff when the very fabric of our universe came to be. The details of how it works are all rather complex and frankly too complicated for a mere plebeian such as myself to even hope to comprehend – it involves atoms smashing into each other at really cool speeds and stuff, or something, apparently. Oh, and there’s that other small, naggling little detail – it may very well bring about the end of the world. Seriously – if this thing goes even the tiniest bit wrong, we’re all fucked – big time.

As Hawaiian anti-boffins Walter Wagner and Luis Sancho pointed out back in March, there is a slight chance that if the science world’s best and brightest haven’t done their sums right then the Collider might accidentally open up a black hole big enough to swallow the whole planet.

And, as those helpful souls at the NY Times pointed out; “it could spit out something called a ‘strangelet’ that would convert our planet to a shrunken dense dead lump of something called ‘strange matter.’” I have been informed by a semi-reliable source that these “strangelets” do exist, and that the NY Times is not simply making shit up just to sound cool.

These lip-shaking fears of the apocalypse have so far proved untrue, however (as you can probably tell, being alive and all.) On September 10th 2008 they threw caution to the wind and fired that sumbitch up... and it would appear that all of mankind did not get shafted into bloody extinction as feared... which is always nice.

Apparently the whole thing was a big success, with our ever-reclusive boys in white gaining all kinds of useful data that the rest of us can nod sagely about while not understanding one bit of it. All was roses, it seemed, until the 19th September when they had to close the Collider down. Because it was leaking. Oops.

This is all ancient history at this point, however. Why bring it up now? Because it’s been announced that Operation Piss Off God is back on, with the Collider to be fired up again sometime early April 2009. Will the worlds smartest minds manage to get their precious research done without bringing about The End Of All Things? Time will tell – but one thing’s for certain – as far as these shiny scientific gismos go, the Large Hadron Collider kicks a truly breathtaking amount of bottom.

So to all you thousands of world-endangering science-abusing God-angering maniacs, we at TwistedEdge salute you… just please don’t wipe us all out… because that would be bad…

Update: April 2009 has passed. Seems we're all still alive. Congratulations on that.

Update 23 November 2009: They switched it on. We're still alive, again. Hooray for technology. Time to get drunk.

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