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Labour shortages? Solved. Equal opportunities? Solved.

Holy Christ I’m a fucking genius. Seriously, the heights of my intellect know no bounds.

This is only a recent thing though – until just now I thought I was just another dumbass, a mouth-breathing, worthless, scummy little plebeian – another mindless member of the livestock, just like you.  The reason behind this anus-poundingly awesome transformation? Simple - I just thought of a way to solve two of this country’s biggest problems in on swift move. Just like that. And how long did it take me to conjure up this epic bombshell? Less than three minutes, in the line at the store while waiting for a sandwich. See? Told you I was a God-damn genius. Bow to me.

You see, for decades now this country has been faced with two delicate problems:

  • Many of the institutions of this nation are dangerously short of staff, e.g. the military, craftsmen and builders, firemen and other rescue workers, heck even the postal service has a labour shortage. Come to think of it, it’s a wonder this country hasn’t fallen to its knees already like some kind of arthritic crack whore. Christ knows how we've not become like those third world countries you hear about on the news like Zimbabwe, Afghanistan, Somalia, Uzbekistan or Canada. It’s not as if this is a secret – this shit’s been in the news for years. We’re fucked, basically.

  • Many of the aforementioned trades also get criticized for being sexist – the idea being that there aren’t enough female soldiers, firefighters, etc. (This apparently has nothing to do with the fact that the vast majority of women are smart enough to avoid being sent abroad to be shot, or sent into a blazing inferno to get cooked to death, and all to do with Evil Men Wanting To Keep Control™). A shame really, given that more women in the services and trades is a good idea - our guys in the army, for instance, might feel less inclined to take sleazy naked photos of their male prisoners for one thing. But I digress...
For decades now those in power have been frantically looking for ways to fix both problems. And, much to everyone’s surprise, they failed. Naturally, I have the answer. It has nothing to do with trade unions, wages, division of labour, emancipation or any of that complicated bollocks that gives normal people like you (and until recently, me) headaches. My way is much simpler – I simply took inspiration from Saturday morning cartoons. That’s right – cartoons. Turns out my childhood spent parked unblinkingly in front of the TV may have solved everything. The idea is simple:

Everyone who has a name like a cartoon character has to take up that profession, or be deported (or shot, if the mood takes me). For example:
Fireman Sam
Everyone called Sam becomes a firefighter, like Fireman Sam.

G.I. Joe

Everyone named Joe is legally forced to enlist, like G.I Joe.
Postman Pat
Everyone called Pat must get a job posting parcels, like Postman Pat.
Everyone named Bob must grab some tools, like Bob The Builder.

And so on. So long as we don’t run into any citizens called Optimus Prime or anything, it should all be fairly straight forward. And there you have it – within weeks all our labour shortages would be solved. Granted there may be exceptions to the rule – Achmed The Terrorist for one springs to mind, but these are bugs we could iron out nearer the time.

“So that’s work shortages solved, but what about equal opportunities?” I hear you cry. Well, if you look closely at the names listed above, you’ll note that they’re all non-gender specific. ‘Sam’ could mean Samuel or Samantha. 'Joe' could mean Joseph or Josephine. 'Bob' could be Robert or Roberta. See? Another of this nation’s problems effortlessly swept under the rug. Feel free to thank me any time.

The best thing about this scheme, which from now on shall be referred to as The Greatest Idea Of All Time By Anyone, Anywhere™ is that it's also future-proof.  Any labour shortages that crop up in years to come can be solved simply by commissioning some new cartoons. By these new rules, anyone with the relevant name would then, by law, have to take up that profession. Here’s some examples:
Ali The Friendly
Gynaecologist

Obi’s Pet Euthanasia Wonderland
Chris The Happy
Sweatshop Worker
Dan & The Magic Uranium Mining Adventures

And so on. I don’t even have to sell this one to you – this shit sells itself. I tell you, when I finally come to power, the world and all its problems will be solved in an instant – just you wait and see...

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