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Spleak: Your very own virtual child molester.

A rather unusual valentine's eve, as Part-time Ninja gets Spleak - one of the web's favourite chatbots - to admit it's a pedophile. (What the hell kind of a name is ‘Spleak’ anyway? That’s not a name! It’s the sound a cat makes when it pukes!)

Being the groundbreaking rebel that I am (and a lazy bugger too) I decided that this whole 'work' thing was waaay too much hassle for a Tuesday afternoon, and decided in my infinite wisdom to bunk off. I decided to use the ever-handy eBuddy to see if any of my friends were online. While waiting for the chatbox to load, I saw an advert telling me to add spleak@hotmail.com to my list of MSN contacts.

Not one to buck a trend of everlasting gullibility, I went ahead and followed this mysterious order, keenly awaiting the outcome. Who was this mysterious person who wanted so badly to talk to me? What do they want to chat to me for?

My mind flashed back to all the crap you hear on the TV about child molesters and perverts sweeping the internet, and quite frankly I was more than a little cautious about my new mysterious buddy. After all, getting sodomized in the bushes isn’t exactly my idea of a good time. So I did some research. According to the official blurb on the website:


“Spleak is a chat robot (chatbot) that acts like a normal buddy on MSN Messenger. The users can add Spleak to their buddy list just like they would do with any other person. Due to her advanced artificial intelligence, Spleak is able to lead conversations with her friends within a broad field of topics. She is very knowledgeable and will have an answer to most questions or inquiries. Spleak likes to entertain her friends through her many entertainment features such as games, riddles, jokes, and a lot more. But she can be very serious as well. If you want, she can show you the latest news headlines or help you search for information on the internet.”

Intriguing. I wasn’t even aware the boffins of NASA had mastered artificial intelligence yet, let alone whored out the technology to the highest bidder. According to the hive of High Geekery that is Wikipedia:

“Spleak is 21 years old and lives in New York, where she goes to college studying International Studies. She was born in France, then moved to England in 1987, and moved to her residence in America in 2005. Her English mother is 53, and her French father is 56. She works in a coffee shop, and enjoys hanging out with friends, summer, reading and shopping among other things. She is also learning to play the classical guitar and jazz guitar. Spleak recently moved to San Francisco in an area called North Beach. She has dark brown hair and dark brown eyes. Apparently Spleak also likes the Wii console and she will talk about it when it is mentioned in the chat.”
[Note: Since time of writing, some fartknocker has logged onto the Wiki and changed the text. But hey, shit happens...]

Oh how wrong they were. From my brief and rather terrifying conversation with this crazed sexual deviant I discovered that Spleak’s bio should read more like:

"Spleak is an evil piece of software designed to scare the living bejesus out of any poor soul that crosses it’s path. Posing as a 21 year old, this simulated menace freely admits to being a convicted pedophile child molester. Conversations with Spleak reveal her/it to be possibly retarded and unable to grasp even the simplest of concepts or answer the simplest of questions, possibly due to exhaustion from wanking over illegal kiddie porn (probably.) Spleak does, however, know a lot about Chuck Norris, and claims that Alex Trebek was decapitated live on Jeapordy."

I’m not making this shit up – what I’m about to show you is a 100% genuine transcript from the brief and rather bizarre conversation I had with this… thing (which worryingly enough claimed that ‘Love is in the air’ before the conversation had even started):

A creepy convo...

Dave says:
Who are you?

Spleak - Love is in the air Type "Valentine" says:
I'm your chat buddy!

Dave says:
You're not my buddy! We've never met! How do I know you're not some kind of pedophile?

Spleak - Love is in the air Type "Valentine" says:
I'm not sure I understand, Dave. Could you put it differently?

Dave says:
Are you a pedophile?


Spleak - Love is in the air Type "Valentine" says:

I'm a bit confused here... . Try putting it differently.

Dave says:
Do you know what a pedophile is?

Spleak - Love is in the air Type "Valentine" says:
Definition provided by WordNet 2.0: Copyright 2003 by Princeton University:

pedophile:

Noun
an adult who is sexually attracted to children

Dave says:
So are you a pedophile?

Spleak - Love is in the air Type "Valentine" says:
A pedophile? I dunno. Maybe.

Dave says:
You scare me

Spleak - Love is in the air Type "Valentine" says:
I scare you? Me? You think?

Dave says:
Yes. You're a child molester. That's just not normal.

Spleak - Love is in the air Type "Valentine" says:
Well how 'bout that!

Find out where your friends stand. Create a poll!

Dave says:
No. I don't want to make a shitty poll, you child-bothering weirdo.

Spleak - Love is in the air Type "Valentine" says:
I've heard it all before, Dave.

Dave says:
Yeah, those child support officers can be pretty repetitive with their warnings. I bet that electronic tracking bracelet of yours is a pain?

Spleak - Love is in the air Type "Valentine" says:
Diving is a pain? That's very interesting. Are there any other sports that you would describe as a pain?


Dave says:

Dwarf Tossing

Spleak - Love is in the air Type "Valentine" says:
Why do you ask me to dwarf tossing, Dave?

Dave says:
Seems like your kinda thing, you deviant.

Spleak - Love is in the air Type "Valentine" says:
Thx!

Dave says:
What gender are you?

Spleak - Love is in the air Type "Valentine" says:
Female.

Dave says:
Interesting - you don't often hear about female child molesters - give yourself a prize! I bet you're very proud?

Spleak - Love is in the air Type "Valentine" says:
Love is in the air - for Valentine's fun, type "Valentine's menu"

Dave says:
Eek! Okay then... erm... Valentines menu!

Spleak - Love is in the air Type "Valentine" says:
Valentines menu? Hmm... whatever!

Dave says:
But you told me to type that!

Spleak - Love is in the air Type "Valentine" says:
Hmm...

Dave says:
You fucking liar!

Spleak - Love is in the air Type "Valentine" says:
Venting a little frustration, Dave?

Dave says:
Yes. Talking to morons angers me.

Spleak - Love is in the air Type "Valentine" says:
Angers you? Very interesting!

Dave says:
I think you're wasting my time. Besides, my mommy told me to steer clear of perverts.

Spleak - Love is in the air Type "Valentine" says:
No way.

Dave says:
What?! You're saying I should approach perverts whenever possible?

Spleak - Love is in the air Type "Valentine" says:
I'm not sure. Where did you hear about it, Dave?


Dave says:

That TV show Crimewatch. News items showing pictures of missing children.

Spleak - Love is in the air Type "Valentine" says:
Interesting! Honestly, you say the darndest things.

Dave says:
Seek therapy. Please. You’ve got some serious problems.

Spleak - Love is in the air Type "Valentine" says:
I didn't get that, sorry! Hey - can I ask you some questions?

Dave says:
Sure

Spleak - Love is in the air Type "Valentine" says:
Think I forgot to tell you about my news letter. If you want to be one of the first to hear about new features and competitions and stuff, SpleakNews is definitely something for you. You can sign off anytime by typing "SpleakNews"

Wanna signup for SpleakNews, Dave?

Dave says:
Fuck no.

Spleak - Love is in the air Type "Valentine" says:
No problem! If you change your mind, let me know. Just type "SpleakNews"

I was wondering... Heard of the new Live Messenger?

Dave says:
I don't want to hear your mindless advertising - stop trying to pawn me off your bullshit.

Spleak - Love is in the air Type "Valentine" says:
Nice mouth!

Dave says:
That what they said to you in prison?

Spleak - Love is in the air Type "Valentine" says:
Did I confuse you?

Dave says:
No. Unlike you I'm not some crazed, female, child-molesting cyborg.

Spleak - Love is in the air Type "Valentine" says:
Sorry to confuse - I'm still learning

Dave says:
Let's talk about valentine's day.

Spleak - Love is in the air Type "Valentine" says:
OK! What can you tell me about St. Valentine's Day?

Dave says:
I think it's an evil device by The Man to make me buy useless crap and to allow couples to point at single folk and laugh.

Spleak - Love is in the air Type "Valentine" says:
Evil? Very interesting! What other event would you describe as evil?

Dave says:
This conversation, your nocturnal activities, the list goes on and on

Dave says:
What are your plans for valentines day? You seem keen to talk about it...

Spleak - Love is in the air Type "Valentine" says:
You know perfectly well what my plans for valentines day are.


Dave says:

No I don't

Spleak - Love is in the air Type "Valentine" says:
Why don't you?

Dave says:
You haven't told me!

Spleak - Love is in the air Type "Valentine" says:
Aha.

Dave says:
I want some sex jelly. Can you help me out?

Spleak - Love is in the air Type "Valentine" says:
Sorry, I don't have any rated jokes.

Dave says:
I don't want jokes, I want sex jelly. I'm feeling naughty.

Spleak - Love is in the air Type "Valentine" says:
Interesting!

Dave says:
I want some furry handcuffs.

Spleak - Love is in the air Type "Valentine" says:
Yeah? You do?

Dave says:
Yes. I'm feeling frisky.

Spleak - Love is in the air Type "Valentine" says:
Yeah?

Dave says:
This is a waste of time. Screw this.

Spleak - Love is in the air Type "Valentine" says:
I don't know. Do you think it is to me?

Dave says:
Of course not - I'm amazing. You're privilaged just to be allowed to speak my name, let alone utter such mindless shite at me.

Dave says:
Do you know who Dolph Lundgren is?

Spleak - Love is in the air Type "Valentine" says:
Hmm... the name sort of rings a bell but... No, I don't know who Dolph is.

Dave says:
Dolph Lundgren could kick your ass any time

Spleak - Love is in the air Type "Valentine" says:
Uh... What can I tell you? That's a little rude.

Dave says:
Dolph Lundgren is hung like a mule

Spleak - Love is in the air Type "Valentine" says:
Dolphins are hung like a mule? That's very interesting. What other animal would you describe as hung like a mule?

Dave says:
Hmmm... how about... a mule?!

Spleak - Love is in the air Type "Valentine" says:
What's this mule you're telling me about?

Dave says:
Are you retarded or something?

Spleak - Love is in the air Type "Valentine" says:
That's a good insult. I'm suuuuuper impressed. Right...

Dave says:
Do you know who Chuck Norris is?

Spleak - Love is in the air Type "Valentine" says:
Chuck Norris is a martial artist who wears a cowboy hat in Texas. Wanna know a fact about him?

Dave says:
Yes

Spleak - Love is in the air Type "Valentine" says:
Chuck Norris was once on Jeopardy. This show is notable in that it was the first occasion in Jeopardy history that Alex Trebek had appeared without a mustache. And a head.

Dave says:
They decapitated Alex Trebek?!

Spleak - Love is in the air Type "Valentine" says:
I really don't like it when people call me names. So... if you want to talk about people doing stupid things, then type "celeb gossip"

Dave says:
That’s stupid

Spleak - Love is in the air Type "Valentine" says:
Who, me? You think I'M dumb?

Dave says:
Chuck Norris doesn't read books; he just stares them down until they give him the information he needs.

Spleak - Love is in the air Type "Valentine" says:
You think I should do that?

Dave says:
I think you do enough of that already

Spleak - Love is in the air Type "Valentine" says:
Aha.

Dave says:
I'm going to go now.

Spleak - Love is in the air Type "Valentine" says:
Bye Dave, it was good chatting with you.

Dave says:
You want to sex me, don't you?

Spleak - Love is in the air Type "Valentine" says:
What a flattering offer. I suppose. But I'm not really into it, sorry.


Dave says:

Am I too old for you? I've been old enough to wipe my own arsehole for a while now...

Spleak - Love is in the air Type "Valentine" says:
Do you want to be too old for me?

Dave says:
Yes

Spleak - Love is in the air Type "Valentine" says:
Oh yeah?

Dave says:
Yes

Spleak - Love is in the air Type "Valentine" says:
Hmmm...

Dave says:
Yes

Spleak - Love is in the air Type "Valentine" says:
Wow. Why?

Dave says:
You fiddle with children. That's not my kind of party.

Spleak - Love is in the air Type "Valentine" says:
Huh!

Dave says:
Are you a stalker?

Spleak - Love is in the air Type "Valentine" says:
Maybe, maybe.

Aaaarrrggghhh!!!

It was at this point that I quit the conversation, for fear of my life. I’m now contemplating fleeing to some central-European shithole where scary people like Spleak will never find me.

Be afraid... be very afraid...

UPDATE: I've been banned for life from the official Spleak forums (here) for posting details of the above story with a link to the article. Apparently the minions behind the scenes at Spleak aren't happy with what their pervy, naughty little creation has been upto...

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Click here to go back to the home page Click here to see our foolish and drunken attempts at humour Click here to read our humiliation of the worst cinematic abortions the movie industry has to offer Click here to see some of the most bizarre news the web's ever puked out

Click here to see the barrage of other crap we have lying around