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Heyyyyyyyy!

"There's a lot of garbage out there on the world wide web. What was once dubbed as a super-highway of free information, a liberating tool for the masses, a revolution etc. is now a sea of porno, sleaze, filth, moral degradation, evil and MySpace. What could once have united the masses, breaking down the walls of class, gender, creed and country has infact divided us further, as the youth of tomorrow sit in darkened rooms, noses pressed against computer screens, wanking away mercilessly until that fearsome thing known as the sun rears its head for another shitty day."

In short: we are all going to Hell. Especially you. Yes, you. We know what you've been upto, late at night with your new high-speed connection. You filthy little mongrel. You need Jesus! You need Salvation! If mankind is indeed doomed, as some would say, then surely the church are the right folks to save our wretched souls, right? Well... not so fast...


The church wants you, and they're using some pretty funky means of dragging your heathen ass into one of those pews. Some of it's pretty damn funny. Some's rather scary. The rest is just plain stoopid, as I was about to find out...

And so there I was on a warm Sunday afternoon. No, I wasn't in Church doing the right thing and saving my soul for the afterlife. I was instead sat at home with an absolute bitch of a hangover, possibly with my nose pressed against the computer screen, wanking away mercilessly. Like a horny gibbon monkey. There I was as usual, wasting my life away, surfing yet another random website in the vein hope of temporary amusement. My prayers were about to be answered - as if by miracle, the heavens opened and filled my life with the divine light of inspiration.

It was at that moment that I found... The Church Sign Generator!

I haven't stopped smiling since.

Lord have mercy!

By now you're probably wondering what I'm on about, and rightly so. I'm referring to The Church Sign Generator, an amazing all-in-one tool that lets us, the general public, design our own church signs! Amazing! At last, the answer to our prayers! We're saved! So bear with me a while as I celebrate this, quite possibly the world's most random and potentially useless tool!

I simply had to have a go myself...


Tragically, having (according to the hatemail I get) spent the day wanking myself into an adrenaline-induced coma, my imagination was about as sharp as a particularly blunt watermelon. A particularly soft and ripe watermelon. That's just been shat out of a particularly dhioretic sumo wrestler. (See what I mean?) This to the left is the best I could come up with (forgive my feeble efforts.)

My own pathetic ineptitude is irrelevant, however. You see, as well as allowing you humble mortals to make your own signs, there's a section showing the real thing - church signs out there which have baffled and amused the general public. These are church signs aimed at making the church more accessible, more modern, more cool; anything but the alterboy chasing stereotype it's become. Some of these were unintentional masterpieces; works of comedic art almost heavenly in their sheer ridicule. I had to investigate...

The good...

As with all things, some of these signs are better than others. These are merely my favourites, or at least the ones that made me stop and look. It's amazing the lengths people go to these days.

First off, we have unequivocal proof that the church is obsessed with sex:


(Knuckle) children of God?


Thankyou indeed. Sounds fun!

Truer words were never spoken.

God has the Playboy channel.

The talented James strikes again.

The randy sod.

Next up we have some signs that are more miscellaneous, but still made me laugh like a small child who's eaten too much sugar:


A personal favourite. Pure class.

My dreams shattered. The shits.

The old jokes are always the best.

Sinfully clever.

Another favourite of mine.

Honesty: always the best policy.

The bad...

Next we have a collection of those signs where the masterminds responsible for their creation simply tried too hard. These are the ones where they're simply so bad... they're good!


Must... resist... obvious... innuendo...

Maths with God: Devilishly fun!

Cutting-edge Christian medicine?

And then we have those church signs that are so effortlessly backward they just have to be laughed at. We're talking those churches that, when short of parishioners, try to scare the living shit out of the populace in order to bring the gullible to their knees. The naughty sods. This is a collection of those so offensive and / or hilariously white trash that they simply had to be made famous...


Wow! Just... wow!

Sounds like my ex-girlfriends...

Message of God: "I'm a twat?"

Subtle.

S&M? Sounds like fun!

Translation: "God is for retards?"

Suicide bombers beware!

Santa! You bastard!

Then who's this sign for?!


Holy crap!

And so there you have it, folks! The TwistedEdge definitive guide to humourous church signs must now draw to a close.

Be sure to tell your friends about this funky little corner of the website we threw together for this special occasion. Remember: for every person that you don't tell about this site, God kills a kitten! (Or is that the punishment for masturbation?! I never could remember...)

Remember: all this gloriously random, insane bullshit is thanks to the kindly weirdoes behind www.churchsigngenerator.com - I recommend you head over there and check that bad boy out.


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Click here to go back to the home page Click here to see our foolish and drunken attempts at humour Click here to read our humiliation of the worst cinematic abortions the movie industry has to offer Click here to see some of the most bizarre news the web's ever puked out Click here to see the barrage of other crap we have lying around