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Baaaaaa!
Ha! Fooled you!

There's tons of urban legends out there; everyone's heard about the rat found in that infamous McDonald's burger, or that rather grizzly severed human finger someone found in their KFC one time. Chances are these things never took place - or at least not to the degree of severity we hear. That's what us men do when we get together - we make shit up. And, after a few millennia of practice, we're damned good at it too.

It's mostly false (or at least I hope to God it is.) That rat in the McRib was probably a fabrication dreamed up by the pissy-mad executives at Burger King. That severed finger rumour has to be bullshit - no-one would hack off a finger and carry on choppin'. Nobody's that dumb - you'd go into shock, scream like a girl, pass out, the works. Christ only knows how the dumbasses who found the finger failed to notice the pints of blood smeared all over their extra-value chicken chunks. Perhaps that's how they do KFC in America. I wouldn't know. (I'm not American - I just laugh at them.)

But there's one urban legend I keep hearing, which refuses to go away no matter how much I try to deny its existence. It's dumb. It's futile. Hell, it's downright retarded. But that all adds to the possibility of its existence. I'm talking about the ancient art of Cow Tipping.


I first heard about this weird and wacky sport on an episode of Beavis and Butthead. (That says a lot about me, I know.) Ever since that fateful day, I've always wanted to know more...

Eh? What?

Ok, for all ye novices out there (i.e. all of you who are not redneck white trash) here's a lament's guide to this miraculous sporting phenomenon...

You see, cows are dumb. Very dumb. It's a known fact that all these animals do is eat, shit, breed, shit, and go moo. (Hell, even I can do that!) It's also a known fact that if Man didn't love their meaty goodness so much, cows would be long extinct because of their overwhelming stupidity. These animals are so poorly designed that they sleep standing up. It's true - they just lock their knees, shut their eyes and drift off into the great yonder. Every night they just stand there, dozing away, prime targets for tractor driving hillbillies who feel the need to exact cruel punishment - by pushing the moronic moo-ers over. And, because these walking cheeseburgers are so evolutionarily defunct, the clumsy bastards can't stand up again. Ever. You have to admire the ingenuity...

As to why people do this, who knows? Perhaps that's what country-folk moonshine does to you. Perhaps the sheep are busy. But that doesn't stop me from wondering - can cows be tipped? Does it actually happen? Is it possible? Being of unsound mind and judgment, I adhered to find out.

The negative view...

Let's think about this logically here. Imagine the scene - it's dark, the night is still and quiet, not a creature is stirring... except for that rowdy crowd of drunken piss-head white trash animal rapists out for a good time. (Naturally.) Nearby, a cow sleeps happily, knees locked, eyes closed, all alone in a huge, quiet, strangely inviting field, just waiting to be devastated by any half-assed predator that happens to pass by. The boyz are clearly up for a good time. The cow's done for, right? Ah, no - not so fast. Consider this:

Hillbilly White Trash.

Average weight = 190lbs.

Intelligence = barely registerable.

Stealth = none - loud as hell.

A Big, Dumb Ol' Cow.

Average weight = 1200lbs.

Intelligence = roughly that of the hillbilly.

Awareness = easily startled.


Let's face it, the 'billies don't really stand much of a chance do they? It's going to take a whole gang of those hicks to push the damned thing over. Something tells me the cow's going to notice. Something also tells me that in a fight between some hicks and a ton of beef, the cow's going do kick them shitless. But that's just me - I know about as much on cows as I do on molecular physics. So I took to the internet to find out more. According to a (frighteningly insightful) article I read while 'reaearching' this epic opus:

"Most of their sleep is very light and easily disturbed - typical of herd prey animals; they take only short naps at regular intervals throughout a 24 hour period, which means that at any given time, some members of the herd are aware and alert."

I'm not convinced. I doubt very much that cows have the intelligence to really know what's going on, yet alone warn the others. I also like the idea that, like us sly humans, other members of the herd would enjoy the free entertainment - I think they'd rather watch the action unfold than intervene. Heck, they've seen it before - they know what a good laugh it is.

"The vision field of a cow is larger than that of a human, and they have acute senses of hearing and smell. Thus, cows are not easy to sneak up on. If startled, they quickly communicate to the rest of the herd that something is amiss."

They're kidding, right? The cow has it's eyes closed for Christ's sake! How the hell is it going to see them coming?! It could have eyes better than the Hubble Telescope and it wouldn't mean a thing - it's napping! Besides, even people as dumb as hillbillies aren't going to tackle the thing head-on. They're going to creep up from behind, right? So even if the cow does hear them / smell them / open its eyes in time, its awkward bovine ass isn't going to turn round in time, is it?! There's JCB mining equipment out there with a better turning circle than these moo-ing monstrosities!

"Cows are large, and would be very difficult to tip, even for several people working together. A grown cow can be over 1.5 m (5 feet) high with a mass of on the order of 1500 lbs and sometimes reaching 900 kg (2000 lb). By way of comparison, a typical sumo wrestler masses only 140 kg (310 lb). The four corners of a large "American-style" domestic refrigerator fairly closely approximate the spread of a cow's legs. If the refrigerator were cut down to 1.5 m (5 feet), filled with 400 kg (880 lb) of lead weights, and placed in a muddy field, tipping it would offer a comparable challenge to tipping a cow."

This, in my opinion, is the main argument as to why this cruel act could never really be fulfilled - those heavy heffers are just too damn... well... heavy. Plus if it tipped the wrong way, your ass would be flatter than a pool table (and let's face it, there've been no reported cases of death by cow fallage.)


Mind you, anything is possible when you're liquored up...

Still unsure, I managed to uncover a how-to guide on cow tipping. (Sadly, since the time of writing, the site referred to has died. Life is tragic.) Surely this could dispel these scandalous nay-sayings? Well, not so fast. Let's see what they say on how this should be done:

Setup

  • Drive Dave and Jerry to the pasture, hand them the beer.
  • Wait ten minutes for them to finish up both packs.
  • Help Dave from truck.
  • Help Dave review his lunch.
  • Place wire cutters in back pocket, and make sure all black clothing is being worn.
  • Quietly approach fence to pasture.
  • Ask Dave for the flashlight. Run back to truck and retrieve flashlight.
  • Cut fencing and wiggle through.
  • Stay hunkered down and try not to giggle as you approach the nearest cow.
  • Beam flashlight quickly into the cow's eyes. If no reaction, you are good to go. Skip ahead to Tipping the cow.
  • If cow bucks, sending Jerry screaming like a woman back to the truck, go on to next step.
  • Run after Jerry, tumble him to ground and hold hand over his mouth.
  • Wait 20 minutes for Farmer to look out the front door and Holler at wolves.
  • Find another cow, repeating the last 5 steps until you find one sleeping.

Tipping the cow

  • Have Dave hold the bottom of cow on one side. (Bottom of the cow is right under the ribs, and on the soft part of the belly.)
  • Have Jerry beside you, with both palms against cows upper back on opposite side.
  • Count to three, and PUSH!
  • Back up quickly from the cow, as its legs will fly up toward your face.
  • Slap high fives to Jerry and shout your success.
  • Find out what whimpering sound is.
  • With Jerry's help, pull Dave out from under the cow.
  • Run from farmer. (Duck when you hear shots in the air.)
  • Jump into the truck and speed away into the night.
My first question on this epic tome is... who the hell are Jerry and Dave?! Are we supposed to know them just by their first names?! Are they that famous?! The most famous Jerry I can think of is Jerry Springer. The most famous Dave I can think of is... me. And trust me, cow tipping just ain't my bag, baby. (Although what Jerry gets up to in his spare time is his business...)

Although the method described above is faultless in every conceivable detail, the fact still stands that two people couldn't tip 600lbs each. Especially not me and Jerry. Surely due to the immense weight of the damn thing, knocking it on it's ass must be impossible, right? Well, some sad bastard has actually written a white paper on the physics of such a feat. Check it out - click here to view.

I have no idea what it all means, but according to the page's conclusion, it would only take two people to tip the tower of meat. And with that many dazzling calculations, it must be true! Hmmm...


The arguments so far:

1.)
You can't tip cows because they have ninja-like senses, and would be able to hear your ignorant hide coming from miles. Plus, like ninjas, they hunt in packs.

2.) Cows are very heavy indeed. Too heavy to be pushed over by the likes of you anyways. (Me and Jerry, on the other hand, got it sussed.)

The positive view...

The argument for the existence of this weird passtime is roughly this: "a million hillbillies can't be wrong." For me, the main argument as to this sport's existence is the sheer number of people talking about it. It's not the kind of thing you'd make up in my opinion. If you were going to tell stories, you'd announce to the world your sexual conquest of the local blonde / ravishing hunk / gullible sheep. I don't see anyone going to the trouble and effort of putting together such a story if there weren't at least some element of truth. Mind you, Christ only knows what goes through the minds of those rednecks... anything is possible.

A few sites exist that have drawn me towards the positive argument. Firstly, we have FACT - Friends Against Cow Tipping (I kid you not.) Click here to check out their site. If you thought I was weird, see what these geeks are up to...

"FACT (Friends Against Cow Tipping) is against the tipping of live cows, for causing physical pain for amusement is evil."

Damn! Causing physical pain for amusement is evil?! Well, that's this whole site screwed then! Thanks Brad.

"We want a world, where cows are killed for beef, but not injured because some obnoxious teenager thinks its funny to knock a cow on its side."

Because, kids, murdering a moo-er by blasting three inches of steel into it's brain with a high-powered bolt gun is humane. But tipping it over? That's just wrong! The point is - if cow tipping doesn't exist, how can there be a whole federation trying to stop it? (Granted, the whole page is probably just a piss-take, but hey. I'm assuming nobody's that lonely.

One big piece of pro-tipping evidence has caught my eye recently. You see, it's all about Florida. I love Florida. Not for the women. Nor the tropical climate. Nor the endless palm trees. Not even the legendary topless beaches. The reason for my admiration? Florida is the only state to have illegalized both Cow Tipping and Midget Throwing! How cool is that?! Want proof? Click here.

How could Florida ban something that doesn't exist? If it's just an urban myth, then how come there have been so many complaints that The Man changed the law? Perhaps it was the freedom fighters at FACT who stepped in to save our bovine buddies. Who knows? (Or cares, for that matter.) This very law, however, is based on the assumption that this exists - even the article is unsure as to the legitimacy of this country craze.

"Some Floridians still smarting from the state's 1998 ban on dwarf tossing are beginning to wonder why legislators don't just get it over with and outlaw fun altogether."



Eat chicken. But don't tip them. It's cruel. (Apparently.)


Now we're talking. Couldn't have said it better myself...

In conclusion...

Does cow tipping really exist? Are there people out there right now knocking over farmyard animals just for kicks? The facts are still unclear. After hours / days / decades of research on this matter, I'm still baffled. For every piece of the puzzle which seems to offer up an explanation, there seems to be another ready to smear shit in it's face. Until the government goes and wastes millions researching this modern phenomenon, we will never know.

Does cow tipping exist? The answer is... yes. It does indeed. Why? Because I want it to. So there.

If you must go tipping, then you know now not to do it in Florida. And if you're anything short of a professional ninja, then don't even bother; those cows are just too damn tough...

If you have ever been cow tipping and want to educate us / brag about it, click here to drop me a mail. I'll update this epic project on the off-chance of me learning something.

Fun cow facts...

The following facts are 100% true. I personally guarantee that:

  • A cows spots are like a fingerprint or snowflake. No two cows have exactly the same pattern of spots.
  • A cow gives nearly 200,000 glasses of milk in it's lifetime.
  • Cows drink 25-50 gallons of water each day. That's nearly a bathtub full.
  • When the Pilgrims came to America, they brought cows with them.
  • From a cow's gelatin we get photographic film and phonographic records.
  • I had a friend once who's brother was scared of cows. Oh how we laughed...
  • In Singapore, a couple brought a cow and a calf on the elevator to their apartment, along with 40 relatives, to bless their new home in an ancient Hindu ceremony. The cow rental fee was $480, and the couple paid an additional $200 in cleaning costs after the cow soiled the living room during the ceremony.


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Click here to go back to the home page Click here to see our foolish and drunken attempts at humour Click here to read our humiliation of the worst cinematic abortions the movie industry has to offer Click here to see some of the most bizarre news the web's ever puked out Click here to see the barrage of other crap we have lying around