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I feel sorry for Jim Garrison. The poor bastard. Granted, I have no real idea who the guy is, what he does, or even if he really exists. He could be some Satan worshipping German axe murderer for all I know. But hey, that’s me - heart of gold, as always. You see, Jim Garrison’s name was recently smeared over the pages of CNN.com - the reason? He is the winner of the SimplyFired.com best firing contest - a monthly online extravaganza in which dweebs, teens and bored office workers with far too much time on their hands vote for the best and most unusual reasons for dismissal. (I guess dismissal for wasting time by reading shitty online articles doesn’t count…) To check out the article click here.

That’s one thing that never ceases to amaze me about the internet - all the weird and random bullshit that gets splurged up onto it. And SimplyFired.com is a great example of this. It’s an online forum for all the people out there who got booted off their jobs for strange reasons. Got fired? Have no friends? Have nothing better to do? Why not bitch about it here? And thousands of like-minded people will read your article, and pretend to care! You gotta love the idea...

My favorite of these has to be the two guys who got sacked for jousting with a customer’s sex toys. No kidding, it’s the genuine deal, or at least that’s what the authors of these entries say.

So, with nothing better to do with my time, I embarked upon a mission to root out the funniest of these stories, and to put them up on here for your amusement. It’s not as easy as it seems, with entries ranging from the vaguely amusing to the painfully terrible. However, if you dig deep enough, there are some real comedic gems. And here they are for your amusement. You know, because I’m such a nice guy...

Note: all these stories are exact quotes of the entries submitted by the ungodly fools who entered this contest. I have not messed with them in any way. Hell, when it's as weird / wonderful / stoopid as this, there's no need.

The amazing cheese bra.

This one is true. I even found a picture to prove it. Look! A woman! In a bra! Made of cheese! Does it get any better than this?! The answer is... well, yeah. But hey, it amused me, so that’s all that really matters.

"I had never attended a Packer Game in my life, which is everyone's dream here in Wisconsin and tickets are VERY hard to come by. Well, my best friend was dating a guy who had a couple extra tickets for us, so we jumped at the chance. It also happened to be a Monday Night game, which meant NATIONAL coverage. If we could get on TV, two of my brothers, one in San Diego CA and the other in Everett WA would be able to see me, that is, IF I made it on TV.

At the time I was working at a local natural bread baking company as the President's secretary. The owners (Pres. and VP) are dairy free and DO NOT allow any dairy products or fast food on their property, which shows how strongly they feel on this subject.

Well, while deciding how we would get national coverage, we thought of ways that other people get on TV during a football game. The only thing we could really come up with was by taking our shirts off....this posed a problem. Usually the ones taking their shirts off are men! But my friend's son had a "cheese" football, made of the same material as the traditional "Cheeseheads".

So, we came up with the idea of cutting two of them in half and sewing them onto our bra's, creating the cheese-bra. Keep in mind this is before someone started manufacturing them. (which we think they got the idea from us, hey, maybe we should be getting royalties...)


We went to the game and we were a bigger hit than the Packers! We didn't make it on the Monday night show, but we did make national coverage on a famous football show on a movie channel, Some of the half time show band members ran up to have their picture taken with us, and our local newspaper sports reporter even happened to be sitting in our section and did a small write up in our paper about our "Madonna style cheese bras".

This was the BEST Packer experience any one could ever have!

Needless to say, I went to work on Tuesday and told a few co-workers. When I came in to work on Wednesday, my boss called me into his office and told me that I was suppose to "get my things together" because I "no longer was employed" by them. After speaking with a close friend who was in upper management, she explained that he stated my display of "dairy product" was unbecoming of one of their employees.

As a single Mom, I left, crying. Not knowing what I would do to support my daughter. I looked at myself in the mirror, smiled, stood up and went out and found a new job. And the best part is, they hired me because of my cheese bra. They said it showed I was creative and I had personality."

Inappropriate treatment of poultry.

Now this is my kinda thing. Whoever this guy is, I like him. If by some freak occurrence the author of this entry is reading, please let me know - I’ll give you a job working for this site.

"Well, I was working as an opener at a resteraunt in Saginaw MI and my job was to marinate the chickens when they came in by taking them out of the boxes of ice, putting them in a sink of water and reaching into them to pull out the fat and whatever entrails were left inside before In placed them in a barrel of brine to marinate for a day. (I also cooked and cleaned but that has nothing to do with me getting canned.) Anyways, one day I was at the sink and, as anyone who knows me can tell you, I have a warped sense of humor so, as I was reaching into the chickens and cleaning them, I was singing a song called "why the chicks dig me" and making clucking sounds in a sexual manner and began to run around the prep area with a naked chicken on each fist.


On my record, the official reason of discharge was "inappropriate treatment of poultry" which I wish I had so I could frame it... on the way out the door though, I did thank my boss for the morning 3 way. Haha"

Things going bump in the night.

Jackasses, before Jackass was even invented.


"My best friend and i got jobs as bellmen / van drivers at a local hotel and Golf Resort for summer jobs when we were about 17. It was a dangerous mixture that lead to alot of damage and a lot of fun.

Part of our job was driving an 18 foot extended van with businessmen to their destination and then back home each day.

Well after we dropped them off we would mess around with the van doing stupid stuff like Brake stands, Transmission gear switching (Drive to reverse while doing 50) and eventually Jumps.

We were getting more and more daring and one night while I was off and my buddy was on he was bored and picked me up. We went to a corner of the hotel where they were doing some construction. I was driving and said "Hey watch this..." I proceeded to drive backwards about 35 miles per into a pile of sand thinking the impact would be soft since it was... Sand.

The next thing i know was the Van stopped on a dime when it hit the sand, we went flying around the cab, windows in the van broke and the big sliding door went "Whhhheeeeeewww" and was torn right off the van. I panicked and plugged it back into first and went forwrd running the door that broke off over and flattening it.

Wouldn't you know right then his pager went off and they needed a pickup? He was frantic! The van looked just plain abused and covered in sand. windows broken and a missing sliding door.

We quickly cleaned the sand off then van and my buddy had to go tell the night manager about the Van.


Friend-
"Ummm... there was a problem with the Van"... "The door fell off"
Night Man- "What, what do you mean you just went up to the hill with people"
Friend - "Well on the way back we went over a speed bump"
Night Man- "What, I don't get it... what do you.."
Friend - "Well the windows broke and the sliding door fell off and was then run over and that's flat now too."
Night Man- "Over a Speed Bump!??"
Friend - "Yeah really strange and we were going slow"
Night Man- ... **eyes up in the air**
Friend - ....*silence*
Night Man- ... "Speed bump?"
Friend - "yeah..."
Night Man- ... " A Speed bump?????"
Friend - "It's an old van..."
Night Man whispers- 6 months old...**eyes still up in the air**

My poor friend took the bullet for me and was fired the next day."

The adventure of the inflatable sheep.


This is funny. Imagine working in an office where it is okay to give someone an inflatable sheep as a present, but it isn't okay to laugh about it! For those who are that way inclined, you too could own your own bovine buddy - click here to buy yourself an inflatable sheep.

"I was working in tech support. While it is a great company, this branch was treated more like fucking children. The idea of on going service and support was new to the industry and I think the company resented having to spend money to support computers they’d already sold and banked the profits on.

Anyway, it was end of the year, office parties and holiday plans were being made. We had one guy in our department who was quite the ladies man. As a joke someone gave him a gift, which he unwrapped in front of several of us. It was an inflatable sheep.

I went back to my desk and sent out an email to our team which read, "Eggnog in the breakroom, mistletoe hanging and an inflatable sheep under Don’s desk. It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas!"

Later my female boss called me into her office. She’d printed out the email and handed it to me. She asked if I’d sent it out. When I said yes she commented that she found it terrible crude and it had offended her. I was written up and within a very short time, no longer working for her."


Homosexual scissors.

Is that a pair of scissors in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?

"The setting was a small, privately held local hospital. I was working as a critical care technician as a way of working my way through nursing school while earning money doing something related to my career. Being a male, in a field dominated by men can have it's ups and downs as we are often the subject of endless teasing (to put it mildly). One day, I managed to scrape myself up attending to an especially unruly patient who wasn't particularly thrilled with the concept of a forced (arent't they always) emergency tracheotomy. Needless to say, due to safety precautions and issues of liabilty, employees must be treated promptly in the ER when we are injured on the job.

As fate would have it, another critical care technician whom I had seen around, but never really talked too attended to my scrapes. A few minutes went by in utter silence as he was doing his thing and I decided to try and break the ice by asking him wear he got a pair of very fancy scissors that he was using out of his medical kit(it's a nursing thing).


Seemingly startled by my intrusion into his personal "scissor space" he lookd up at me, shrugged, and continued on attending to my scrapes.

Perplexed by his response, and now really curious as to the origin of those scissors, I pressed on, commenting on their unique shape and functionality (again, it's a nursing thing).

He eventually responded (albeit begrugingly) which lead to some awkward small talk. He finished attending to my injury and we parted ways.

A week went by, and I was called into my supervisors office and told that I was being "let go." I asked why. She responded that there had been complaints of "sexual harassment." Shocked, and still trying to process what was happening, I uttered "by who? When? What did I say?"

It turns out, that critical care technician was gay, and my scissor inquisition was interpreted as an attempted pass at him, which he promptly reported to his supervisor as sexual harassment.

Apparently, he had a witness who observed our exchange and coroborated his story with a statement to an effect of "I've never seen any man take so much interest in another guys scissors before..."

Needless to say, I'm not gay, I was certainly not trying to make a pass at the guy, and the irony of all of this is that I never did find out where he got those scisssors from..."

Insane wildlife and the glass cage of doom .

I wish I could have seen this - it’s amazing what goes on in your local pet store. This is one of my favorite stories however, as unlike most of the tales in which people are fired for no reason, this one involves assault, theft, kidnapping, the works. Almost too good to be true...

"About a year ago I was making my living at a very well known petstore chain, I had been working there for about 2 years and I loved working with the animals.

anyway one of the downsides of the job was that every once in a while you would get these "peta" type animal psychos whom come into the store and start calling you the devil and such, after a while you learn to deal with it and send them on their way right out the door. They really had no reason to be even complaining seeing as the store was extremely clean and compassionate towards the animals.

well one time a nice woman came into the store "seemed" like she was genuinely interested in one of the cockatoo's, so walked over and introduced them and let her hold the bird to she if she liked it or not....

now let me make it clear that our birds are in an aviary, and that in order to hold the birds you have to first unlock a door, walk into a glass room, and than unlock the cage..

It was at this point I realized that people are very good at putting up a fake personality, this woman’s face went from little angle to the fiery depths of satans wrath in about 1.34 seconds...it was so shocking that i actualy jumped back and was scared shitless.


after the woman said some lovely words to me she looked at the door, and then what seemed like she was planning a "rescue mission of some sort, and after being told countless times that if anyone where to walk out of the store with a 1000 dollar bird or more, that my job would be instantly terminated...and this bird was more around the 2000 dollar range..

So, I beat her to the door, and with out thinking, locked her crazy ass inside...I really didn’t know what to do next, so I ran to the other side of the store to contact the head manager, the conversation went as follows...

Me - uhh, some lady went psycho on me and is trying to walk out with the cockatoo.
Manager- where is she?!
Me- uhhh, heh, in the aviary...
Manager- well hopefully she is still there and didn’t walk out.
Me- umm I don’t think she’s going anywhere....
Manager- ......why?
Me- well.....I sorta....kinda....locked her in....
Manager- ......

Now this is the best part, I will forever have this image stuck in my head and even 3 years later this still makes me laugh. Here me and my manager run up and spot the lady locked in her little glass cell. and now the cockatoo was growing tired of his new cage mate was dive bombing and clawing the living hell out of the woman, she there she was, dodging and running away from this o so defenseless animal she was trying to save, and also giving some extremely funny entertainment to the 15 people outside of the aviary who where pointing and laughing at the women like a zoo animal..

Needless to say she was pissed, the very next day the regional manager and her lawyer spoke and she threaten to sue if I would continue to work there..."

The best of all: the dildo duel.

As mentioned in my intro to this article, one of the highlights of this wee site of horrors is the amazing tale of the Dildo Duel. I will say no more. Sit back, kick back, and enjoy...

"My college job was delivering furniture for a major retailer. Dad was the Manager so I was always on my best behavior. One afternoon, we had a bedroom set left to deliver. We arrive at the house and the woman directs us to where she wants the furniture placed. As was often the case, the old furniture was still in place.

We agreed to move the furniture. When we begin to break down the bed and pull the mattress and boxsprings from the frame.What a big surprise we got! There was a large open box of adult toys. My buddy pulls a large vibrator out, cranks it on and starts poking me with it.

I return the favor with an even bigger vibrator.We end up sword fighting with two giganto toys. In the middle of this battle, our customer and her husband walk in and catch us in action fighting with their dildos. He went off on us! Ended up calling the Manager (my Dad) and I was terminated by my Dad! He was cool about it but took a good deal of kidding from his co-workers.As did I from Him!"

In conclusion...

Okay folks, that's about it for now (although I have a sneaking suspicion this page'll be updated, so check back.) Keep those eyes peeled for further ventures into madness. I hope you enjoyed this page. I know I didn't, but then I've spent 2 hours making the damn thing, so what would I know?

I guess it's the thought that counts.

Remember kids, don't go locking people in glass cages or beating them over the head with dildos - it's just plain wrong. Besides, you don't know where they've been. Who knows - you might get fired and end up here.

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