This is what a true holiday should be about: scaring the shit out of little kids and making them cry!

Ghouls. Goblins. Grab bags. And lots of people making asses of themselves. There's nothing like a national holiday to bring out the best in people...

Once again darkness falls on the land, a chill fills the air, and everything falls silent. It can only mean one thing - Halloween is once again upon us. What started off as a holiday just for kids has turned into an international phenomenon where morons worldwide go to extreme lengths to make total asses of themselves. Each year the stakes are higher, as yet another generation of mentally deficient weirdos worldwide conjure up new and imaginative ways to degrade themselves.

Not one to miss out on all the fun, TwistedEdge brings you the very best this annual humiliation has to offer. Welcome one and all to another Halloween. Fasten your seatbelts and hold on tight, it's going to be a bumpy ride...

Pimping pumpkins...

It's amazing what you can do with pumpkins. E-Mailed to me by someone who will remain anonymous for legal reasons, here's some things God never intended to be done with his precious pumpkins. Although hilarious, you have to wonder what (if anything) was going through the minds of these people when they set about doing this. Yes ladies, this is the kinda shit us guys get upto when we're left alone together for too long. Click on an image to enlarge, if you're that way inclined:

So thoroughly amused was I that I went off in search of more ghostly tomfoolery, more Halloween shenanigans, more Pumpkin related abuse. Thanks to the eternal greatness of Google, I found a handful of greats. Whichever evil mastermind is behind these works of art, I salute their work. Again, click on an image to enlarge:

Vitamin deficiency can be a real pain in the ass.

The time was Halloween 2005, the place was Richmond (some place in America apparently.) This dull, quiet little town was awakened with the sound of a hundred bleached, blood smeared zombie-folk staggering down the street, hungry for blood, seemingly determined to scare the living crap out of anything in their path.

I am referring, of course, to the annual Richmond Zombie Walk - a phenomenon soon to spread it's weird seed throughout the world. Personally, this is something I would love to see - hundreds of like-minded wierdos taking to the streets like something off the very worst 80's horror flick. It's kinda like Romero's latest flick Land Of The Dead - except this was worth seeing.

I strongly suggest you carry your fat, lazy ass over to www.zombiewalk.com and check this weird and wonderful spectacle out for yourself. For me, this is what Halloween should be about - hundreds of people marching in unison, roaming about proudly, their heads held high as they find new interesting ways to show the world what freaks they really are. Fabulous!

Crazy costumes...

One of the best things about Halloween is the costumes - a great costume can scare the living crap out of your friends and family, forcing them in their knee-trembling hysteria to hand over their precious candy. If you look out onto the streets on any Halloween you will see some great costumes, and I salute anyone willing to spend the time to scare the living shit out of other. Here's a good example - click here to view.

However, there's always a few out there who choose costumes that aren't scary - these costumes are just damned stoopid. So, in the interests of poking fun at these morons, here's some of the funnier examples I managed to find:

The CostumeCritic hall of shame:

Costume Critic is a place where people the world over post pics of their costumes, and are judged for their creativity. Here's some highlights, click to enlarge:

Cock
Nose!!!

Family Guy's Stewie! Cool!

A bloody tampon. Yummy.

Optimus Prime! Wow! Sweet!

A human puppet. Riiight...

Poco Loco. Apparently.

All piss and vinegar.
Firstly, you degenerates, wierdos, students and bored office workers of the world should check out Part-time Ninja's funky little rant about Halloween candies. The Yanks have it so much better apparently. He's not a happy bunny, and as per usual it's all your fault. This should be your first port of call before we send you skipping about the internet like some deranged teenager on a crack-driven shopping spree.

Of course, this shitty little website is the least the web has to offer, especially on this most tacky of occasions. So, we hand you now over to the professionals. Firstly there's the continuing genius of cynic Max Burbank, a crazed madman with a mean streak, his recent Halloween goodies are pure gold:

Things you can respond with when they say "trick or treat."
"So you're all grown up and there's no way you can squeeze another year of trick-or-treating out without someone calling the cops. Plus, the ankle bracelet makes it impossible to go to any of the Halloween parties your restraining order doesn't already prevent you from going to! Does all that mean Halloween can't still be the bestest Holiday of the whole year? Well, yeah, pretty much. But it can still be pretty darn good, you big cry baby! Here's how."

My daughter's Halloween themed birthday party.
"My Daughter decided recently that she wanted to have a Halloween theme for her Birthday party, and since this October features a very spooky Friday the 13th, that would be the ideal day to have it. Now, you might think my Daughter's desire for a Halloween Birthday party means she's some sullen little Goth, or worse still, a Wiccan, which in my book comes just after Hippie and just before Republican. Well, not under my roof, gentle reader. Fuck that noise. Pardon my French." And so forth...

Pulp fiction.
A publicity stunt goes horribly wrong as a plan to have Harvard flunkies pelted with gooey chunks of pulpy pumpkin platter goes painfully awry.

The potat-o-lantern.
Proof of what can happen when potentially dangerous weapons fall into the wrong hands - it's a potato cannon vs pumpkins, with very messy results.

The all-American pumpkin prank.
The plan is simple - maul a pumpkin into fifty separate pieces, mail one off to each state of America, get the locals to add their own cultural touch, mail it back, and re-attach the moldy remains!

The great pumpkin drop.
Mayhem ensues as the crazy people of zug.com start dropping pumpkins off an eight storey rooftop, testing the impact and splatter of various filling as they trash the concrete below. Messy.

Halloween can be a lot of fun, as seen above. Every year, I'll update this page with the new Halloween craziness that spills onto the streets like shit from an over-flowing sewer. Until then, if you have anything you'd like to send in for our consideration, click here. That is, if they don't ban it first. That's right folks; everyone's favourite nutters - right wing Republican Christians - are trying to have our ghoulish night of tricks banned. Why? It's the work of Satan, dammit! Some people have way too much time on their hands. It's all here folks - click here to read all about it.

'"It's really tough being a kid today. They have to be on guard about being kidnapped or sexually molested, bombarded by peer pressure to use drugs, fears over sexual harassment and worry over a fellow classmate shooting up the school - Now adults are saying that if you dress up as a witch or goblin on Halloween you're risking hell," says Los Angeles child psychologist Robert R. Butterworth, Ph.D., adding, "No wonder our kids are getting so stressed out"' It really does suck being a kid these days.

"Many fundamental Christian sects around the United States forbid their children to dress up as ghosts and goblins, sport frightening masks, carve jack-o-lanterns and go trick-or-treating. They believe celebrating Halloween, a day based on ancient non-Christian practices, gives homage to the Devil. Not even classrooms are safe for Halloween haunts. A coalition of religious and education groups around the country oppose Halloween parties or celebrations in schools. Some parents and their children fall prey to satanic hysteria caused by rumors that up to 50,000 children a year are abducted and ritually sacrificed by devil worshipers.To date, research and FBI crime statistics show no shred of evidence that the allegations are true." I'm sure with all the famines, global war, deadly hurricanes and global warming going on, that God really does give a shit about a bunch of kids in masks demanding candy.

Here's looking at you kid...