Dwarf Tossing & Midget Throwing: A Lost Art | TwistedEdge

	Hello bored office workers and students of the world. The article below was one of the first ever written for this crazily inept little website, and has since spawned into a massively popular attraction gaining tens of thousands of readers. The article is now considered the definitive article on this twisted little sport, and for that we'd like to thank you, the reader, for your support. Enjoy...
	Interesting fact: On average, 34 people per day find this article by typing phrases into Google like 'midget porn' and the like, occasionally mixed with words like 'goat' or 'satan' just for kicks. If you're one of these terrifying weirdos please note this site is not for you. Seriously, get the hell out because we don't want you here, you scary bastards.
And so it begins... It's 2am. It's dark outside. I look over at my clock with the sudden realisation that there are literally hundreds and thousands of people out there getting wasted on cheap booze and generally having a much better time than me. I rub my eyes, sigh, shake my head and get back on with it. Not because I'm better than them. And not because I'm some sad, locked-in loser either (although that is debatable.) You see, I don't need the usual distractions - booze, fun, women, daylight, other people, normal human society - all fade into obscurity. I care not for these things. Why? Because I have stumbled upon the ancient art of Midget Throwing! Perhaps it's a sign of the times. Perhaps I have finally gone crazy. I've spent all night looking at flying dwarves. There's a story to this - you may have seen our ancient (and currently deceased) article 'The A-Team - Then And Now.' After putting that particular masterpiece online, I read through it and one sentence in particular leapt out at me: "Mr T is winner of the World's Toughest Bouncer contest. One of the events in the competition was dwarf tossing (since outlawed.)" Dwarf Tossing?! That sounds amazing! I just had to find out more!! What the hell is it? The lost sport that is Dwarf Tossing / Midget Throwing originated in Australia in the 1980's - a pub game for bored white trash country types, bored with driving their tractors. According to one website (hosted on the ever-trusty BBC.co.uk no less): "This pub sport can be played by anyone, as the need for heavy consumption of alcoholic beverages as preparation purposes is completely optional, but strongly recommended. Both men and women can play and even compete against each other head-to-head. Unfortunately for the men, the women who generally participate tend to have male like qualities. This has meant the customary swapping of shirts at the end of each competition has been scrapped, due to the women's constant complaints that the shirts given to them were always too small and that they wouldn't want to wear the shirt of a 'chauvinist pig who got his kicks throwing persons of restricted growth anyway'.

Large muscles, strong legs and the arbitrary beer belly are the physical secret weapons of a true dwarf-throwing athlete. However, to fully master the sport the athlete must also possess the strength of an ox, the speed of a leopard, the timing of a magician, the patience of a predator and the appearance of a rather large bull sitting on a wasp. In order for 'persons pacified with their horizontally-perpendicular circumstances' to take part in a throwing competition they must always wear full protective clothing. Injury is a serious threat to the career of a Throwing Dwarf who, if on tour, can earn a six-figure sum for allowing people to share in their very specialised field of expertise."

"Unlike golf, this is a true spectator's sport worthy of any Olympic games but thanks of the interventions of 'persons who negotiate a humour deficiency' no professional body has been created to globally organize and fund what can only be described as the only sport that promotes an unprejudiced view of society (even though a British Association of Dwarf Throwers does currently exist)."

These flying midgets get six figure salaries? Can this be true?! Which makes me wonder - who in the name of Jesus H Jones pays these people? Is there a Flying Midgets union? Can you imagine putting this on your resume? I wonder if these talented human missiles get hazard pay?

Basically the rules are as follows; you pick up your selected midget (who will likely be adorning some kind of safety helmet and vest), take a three step run-up and throw the little bugger as far as you possibly can. And there you have it - possibly the most non-PC sport ever invented. Whoever gets their human missile the furthest is the winner. Although I shudder to think what kind of prizes would be given. Sexual favours perhaps... who knows?

A twisted heritage...

The Roots: The first of these twisted little events to get any real recognition was The Dwarf Throwing World Championship (I kid you not) which took place some time in 1986 - further proof as to what a messed up decade that was. That particular toss-fest was won by Team England - Danny Blue, Roy Merrin and Lenny The Giant the heroes of the hour.

Making And Breaking Records: Take a glance at the rather marvelous newspaper clipping to the right. I guarantee it is genuine. The current world record for the longest throw is held by some white trash nutcase called Cuddles. Bless. I bet he loves his mommy and everything. The throw was an impressive 12 feet 9 inches. Cuddles belongs to a team of circus escapees calling themselves Oddballs. The Oddballs are mainly famous for their rather racy (and un-nervingly homo-erotic) 'balloon dance,' which basically involves them prancing about naked with balloons covering their pinkened, shrunken manhoods. They have a website and everything - click here to check it out (although doing so will officially make you a freak.)

Eye Candy: Just for you, oh humble reader, I have managed to dig out some press clippings regarding this event, to further quench your thirsts for random weirdness. Say thankyou. It seems the local newspapers were all over this event, keen to bring you the latest on this extreme spectator sport for the new millennium. It seems not much happens in whatever sleepy-hick-filled country hovel this took place in (we will call it Sheepball-on-sea.) Either that, or there was some crazy, sickening midget sex fetish going on at the time...

The Australian Entry

The English Entry

Oh, and by the way (if you give a shit) - according to some random, haggard site I've since forgotten about, the English are still world champs. Another black eye to national pride, methinks. We might suck at the Olympics, or any other real sport for that matter, but damn - we really can let those midgets fly.

The controversy...

Understandably, when people heard about this sick, non-PC, offensive, yet strangely fascinating sport, they rallied en-masse to have it banned. Wow, that must have been one hell of a sight - hundreds of people marching down on the houses of law, demanding that the vertically-challenged have the right to stay on the ground. I wish I could have been there. Damned hindsight.

The year was 1989, and the world's only support group for the vertically-challenged - The Little People Of America (click here for their website) - went to Florida and convinced the lawmakers there that this strange sport is infact cruel and should be stopped. The measure banning dwarf-tossing was passed with a wide margin, and dwarf-tossing was outlawed in both Florida and New York. Yet, in the LPA's home state of Texas, you can still throw midgets about to your heart's content. Want to abuse a midget? Now you have to get in your car and drive... Later Dave Flood who appears on a morning radio talk show as "Dave the Dwarf," took the issue to court and made the sport illegal in bars. Thanks Dave.

In Ontario, Canada, the Dwarf Tossing Ban Act of 2003 was enacted, with penalties of a fine of not more than $5,000 or to imprisonment for a term of not more than six months, or both. Perhaps they have a special wing in the jails for the dwarf-tossers.

In-flight photos...

Despite all this fancy legal action, this bizarre sport is still taking place today. During my research for this article / compulsive waste of time, I stumbled across some random Satan-type website that had a section on Dwarf-Tossing. These photos (see below) were taken at a recent event, probably deep in the heart of Sheepball-on-sea. One thing I noticed - if you look closely at the photos - it's the same midget being thrown by each one of those hickory hillbillies. The poor bastard! That's just not right! He doesn't even get a helmet or anything! Check it out; click on any of the thumbnails below to see the whole pic in it's bizarre, highly illegal glory:

In conclusion...

Things just wouldn't be complete without a needlessly offensive Dwarf-Tossing game. I found it on some obscure site deep within the churning bowels of the world wide web. Click here to give it a try - you too can test your skill by throwing unconvincing 2D midgets into baskets. Whoever took the time to make this game needs to get out more. And that means something, coming from a secluded hobbit such as myself.

Remember folks no matter how bizarre, different, or strangely fascinating this obscure and perverse sport may seem, don't try it. Johnny Law will be two steps behind you ready to throw your bitch ass in jail. You've heard about what they do to rapists in prison, right? Imagine what they'd do to a Dwarf Thrower. In conclusion... it's never cool to be a tosser.

An update for 2008...

Given the rather alarming level of visitors this page gets, it seems like a good time to throw in a few bits and pieces we've received about this funky little article of ours...

Chris Haslam is the man.

We humble folk at TwistedEdge would like to thank world-famous pro skateboarder, crazed adrenaline junkie maniac, and all-round nice guy Chris Haslam for his endorsement of this page. Christ only knows why but in an alcohol-fueled interview with ActiveNews he decided to take the opportunity to tell the world about our Midget Throwing page. Obviously we left quite an impression. Skateboarding and Dwarf Tossing? A marriage made in heaven! Chris is obviously a man of taste, and we thank him for taking the time to throw in a kindly mention. If you're interested in his rather... unusual little interview, click here to take a look.

Best. Email. Ever.

A while after this article became listed by Wikipedia as the #1 source on this hilarious form of human bowling, we got the greatest email we've ever read - from the man who came second in the aforementioned World's Toughest Bouncer competition, the man who dwarf tossed alongside Mr T and won. Check it out...

Subject:	Dwarf Tossing
From:	"Gary Wickert"
Date:	Sat, December 1, 2007 7:04 am
To:	feedback@twistededge.org

"Interesting article. You might be interested to know that my name is Gary Wickert. I took 2nd place behind Mr. T in NBC's "America's Toughest Bouncer" competition filmed at the BBC in Chicago and aired in 1980. I am 6' 7" and 290 lbs, and amazingly, a lawyer today. But to the point, I actually won the midget toss in the competition in 1980, with a throw of 12 feet. The rules, as explained to us by NBC executives and Bryant Gumble, the host, was that if we fell off the throwing platform we would be penalized one foot. Well, I hoisted the little fellow over my head and fell out over the throwing pit intentionally, gladly accepting the 1 foot penalty in exchange for the extra three feet my height allowed me to throw the midget. I guess it's no wonder I became a lawyer, as I was trying to split hairs with the rules even at age 22. That even was called The Toss. I also won The Blast, which was a race through an obstacle course that included several of the Chicago Bulls cheerleaders, and concluding with busting through a solid locked door and ringing a bell behind it.

It was a lot of fun.

- Gary Wickert."

Some people are no fun at all...

Not everyone is cool like the two stand-up individuals listed above. No, it seems the internet really does bring out the worst in people sometimes. Despite the fact that this article goes out of its way to take the piss out of Dwarf Tossing and the losers who populate it, we've had a shitload of emails bitching at us about what a cruel sport it is. Any annoyance this causes, however, was instantly deemed trivial compared to one idiot in particular who went so far as to claim his father is/was Cuddles, the redneck loser described in our article. Having a guestbook can be dangerous sometimes, especially when morons like this are on the loose. Observe:

Date:	04/28/2007, 1:33 am, GMT
Name:	Nefer
Email:	nefertitiuk13@gmail.com
How did you find this site?:	web search
Ever arrested for harassment?:	none of your business

"regarding your midget throwing article( if you can call it that) the one you refer to as the white trash nutcase is my dad i suppose you feel it ok to support the actors that are paid shit loads of money to run around our football pitches for them to lose"

Bear in mind that the stream of bollocks above is the un-edited, un-censored, exact copy of the bilge this person left behind. Rather amused (and somewhat confused) by this retarded onslaught, we felt compelled to reply:

"Wow. Now this is surprising. I wasn't aware that white trash nutcase midget throwers were legally allowed to breed. I'm surprised there isn't some secret government agency out there stopping such heinous insults to humanity from occuring - if the gene pool gets diluted any further we're gonna be seeing folk with eight nostrils or something. Hatemail is always amusing - however this attempt was pathetic. Really - I get the feeling you could do much better. Try harder next time. Or at least spend long enough on your message for it to make sense. Fool."

If you're interested, we've left the original post in our guestbook for all to see (shame is a wonderful tool) - click here to see for yourself (feel free to drop a comment or two while you're there.)

Goodbye Lenny...

We were somewhat saddened to recently hear of the untimely demise of Lenny the Giant, the aforementioned midget who was thrown when England smeared their name onto the pages of sporting history in 1989. As his messed-up friends The Oddballs wrote on their site: "Lenny Fowler known to many as "Lenny The Giant" passed away Saturday 23rd June in St Georges hospital Tooting, London. Lenny had performed as an Oddball both in the UK and around the world."

And finally...

We got a tidal wave of emails (four) asking where people could see this bizarre little hobby live; some even flat-out denied that shit kind of crazy horse shit even takes place. Well, we listened at here's our response - after an exhaustive 30 seconds of research, we've managed to find a couple of videos of this twisted sport.

Granted, the events captured are only small-scale and are done on mattresses instead of a wooden runway like a real man would. But it's entertaining stuff none the less and worth a look, if that's your kind of thing. Take a peek at the videos below. They brought amusement to our petty little minds - they may well do the same for yours. Oh, and if you know of any other dwarf throwing related nonsense, why not share it with us?

(P.S it isn't our fault the cameraman in Video #2 spent more time focussing on that woman's arse than the flying midgets. Some people have their priorities all messed up...)

Video #1:

Video #2:

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