The dreaded Penis Amputation article by TwistedEdge. Yes, we were really drunk when we wrote this.
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Penis Amputation: The article we wrote ages ago that, thanks to Google, made lots of scary people find our website.

Lost your faith in Humanity yet? No? This might help...

The world sure is a crazy place. It's been on the cards for some time now, but a news report I heard a while back really proved the point for me.

It all happened when some Welsh idiot got wasted on cheap booze and went to his local pub where England were facing Wales in Rugby. (Rugby, for all you Yanks reading this, is like the sport you call Football, except our guys don't dress like Ed-209 to protect themselves. Take the hint.) Anyhow, the Welshman drunkenly stated that if Wales beat England (the world champions at time of writing) then he'd cut his balls off.

Then, due perhaps to witchcraft, the rare alignment of the stars and planets, or perhaps some obscure voodoo curse, Wales actually went off and won the damn thing. The world went into a state of shock... none more so than the bar our intrepid Welsh hero was drinking in. Upon seeing the final score, our man left his hoard of celebrating Welsh to venture to the toilet to drain the lizard. Upon the toilet he finds a pair of discarded gardening sheers... pulls down his pants... I'm not going to go into the gory details, for your sake and mine... suffice to say that a certain individual was singing Soprano that night.

The damnedest thing of all is that this is by no means an isolated incident. Extensive, dedicated research (and by that I mean a 5 minute search on Google) lead me to literally dozens of weird and rather (literally) breathtaking examples of guys grabbing blades and taking it to the man downstairs.
This isn't the penis amputation guy. We just didn't want pictures of blood-soacked wangs on our website.
Why do they do this? Christ knows. Maybe temporary insanity, or maybe there's some obscure mental illness out there that convinces it's victims that a DIY vasectomy is the way forward? Or perhaps these people were just really, really, really bored. Who knows? Or cares? The main upside here is that these knife-wielding morons can't breed any more, which can only be a good thing. Penis amputation is something we really do not want to be passing on to future generations.

Regardless of why, this knife-wielding insanity is just too strange and, well, too damn funny to pass up. So, dear readers, see below for a whole rogues gallery into worldwide wang removal. Feast your eyes upon this matinee of macabre mangling. Oh, and for Christ's sake don't try this at home. (Or if you do, at least have the decency to not send us your pictures. Seriously, the web's fucked up enough as it is...)

CSI should do a penis amputation episode. That'd be awesome.

"A Malaysian man sliced off his own penis, then fried and ate it after taking hallucinatory pills that caused him to hear voices urging him to mutilate himself, police said.

The 34-year-old claimed he only realized what he had done when he saw blood oozing from his crotch, said a police spokesman in the town of Sitiawan, 300 kilometres north of Kuala Lumpur.

The man had taken hallucinatory pills before sleeping on Friday and awoke hearing voices telling him to chop off his penis and devour it, the spokesman said on condition of anonymity.

He was hospitalised in a stable condition, the national news agency Bernama reported.

The man had recently been released from a drug rehabilitation centre, Bernama said."

TwistedEdge says: That's why drugs are bad - sure, most of the time the munchies just lead you towards fried chicken and doner kebabs. Perhaps that's just not enough for some people? Perhaps some people like the taste of cock so much they can't get enough? Perhaps this was a prototype for a new range of wang flavoured snacks? I can imagine it now: "New from Birdseye... Deep Fried ManHandle... because you just can't get enough o' that meaty goodness! Bite through the succulent stickle on the outside to reach the real treat inside... an extra creamy inner layer full of milky goodness! Now 25% saltier! Warning: not suitable for children; may present a choking hazard." Yummy.

Don't rock the scrote...

"A man has undergone microsurgery to try and re-attach his little finger, penis, scrotum and left hand - all which he cut off in an alleged drug-induced act of self-mutilation. Police said the man was believed to be high on amphetamines. He attacked himself with a large kitchen carving knife during an argument with his wife at a home in the northern NSW town of Inverell.

The bizarre act of self-mutilation was witnessed by two ambulance officers who were called to the home at 2.30pm on Tuesday by the distraught woman after the man, aged 38, initially cut off the little finger on his right hand.

Inverell police Inspector Dave Harrington said when ambulance officers arrived at the home, the woman ran from the house followed by the man, who was still armed with the knife.

The man then cut off his scrotum and penis before lopping off his left hand at the wrist-joint, just as Inspector Harrington and six other police officers arrived at the scene.

It took all seven officers to hold the man down while the ambulance officers applied pressure bandages to stem the bleeding.

Inspector Harrington said that had the ambulance officers not been on hand the man might have died from massive blood loss. "It is one of the worst things I've seen in 16 years," Inspector Harrington said. "Police have reason to believe he was affected by amphetamines at the time.

Seriously, the Saw movies had nothing on this penis amputation stuff...

"The man was taken under police restraint by ambulance to the small Inverell Base Hospital, where two local doctors performed emergency surgery while they awaited the arrival of an Air Ambulance plane and a physician with the Westpac Rescue Helicopter Service."

Inspector Harrington said officers recovered the severed body parts, which were later packed in ice in the hope they could be reattached with microsurgery.

The body parts accompanied the heavily sedated man on the Air Ambulance flight back to Sydney on Tuesday night. On arrival at 10.30pm, the man was transferred to St George Hospital, where he underwent further surgery. The hospital yesterday refused to reveal whether attempts to reattach the man's body parts were successful. However, the hospital did say that after the microsurgery the man was in a critical but stable condition.

Inspector Harrington said it had been a traumatic experience for ambulance and police officers involved. "They [the police officers] have received some counselling today in relation to the incident," he said."
TwistedEdge says: I especially like it how it was the cops who needed therapy after the incident. That's some good shit. All this because of an argument between some guy and his woman. Go figure. I can almost picture the scene now - because names were hidden to protect those involved from immense embarrassment, new ones will have to be assigned. I'll them Fred and Wilma (originality prevails once again...)

By this point we were admittedly running out of relevant penis amputation pictures. But hey, we were drunk when we wrote this, so fuck it.

Wilma: Erm... Fred? We need to talk. It just isn't going to work out between us.

Fred: What?! What the hell you on about woman?

Wilma: Well... you're a bit weird, Fred. I kinda feel you've been losing it lately...

Fred: Shuddup woman! Now get your bitch ass back in the kitchen and make me some pie!

Wilma: Seriously Fred, this isn't the time for a Cartman impression. Look, the problem is... you've been jerking off too much. It's disgusting.

Fred: I thought you liked it! You said it makes me look sophisticated!
Wilma: No I didn't! Fred, have you been hitting the crack pipe again?! I told you - not in front of the kids! You remember what happened last time?! Little Johnny passed it around school thinking it was sherbet! They had a fucking epidemic!

Fred: That's it! I've heard enough from you! Pass me the carving knife! I'll give you something to bitch about! You say I jerk off too much?! Ha! This'll teach you!

Wilma: Erm... Fred? I...

Fred: AAAAAAAAGH! OH MY GOD! AAAAAAAGH! HELP! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!

[ Editor's note: Yes, we were particularly drunk when we wrote this. ]

The pain continues...

"Elderly man mistook organ for chicken head, news agency says.

Bucharest, Romania - A elderly Romanian man mistook his penis for a chicken’s neck, cut it off and his dog rushed up and ate it, the state Rompres news agency said on Monday.

“I confused it with the chicken’s neck,” Mocanu, who was admitted to the emergency hospital in Galati, was quoted as saying. “I cut it... and the dog rushed and ate it.”

Doctors said the man, who was brought in by an ambulance bleeding heavily, was now out of danger."

TwistedEdge says: Now the obvious question here is - what the hell was wrong with this guy's dick that made it look like a chicken's head?!

Is there some kind of terrifying STD out there that makes victim's purple helmets grow beaks and cluck?!

Woof.

Maybe he was a victim of those cheap, back alley piercing centres? Maybe the pain of his new shiny Prince Albert cock ring was just too much to bear? Although why he fed it to the dog afterwards is beyond me.

More to the point; what in the name of Jesus Harold Christ was he doing with his milk hose out while cooking anyway?! Doesn't he realise the dangers something like hot, bubbling oil could pose in this situation? One slip with the deep fat fryer and you're history. I guess this is one hell of a way to learn about kitchen safety...

Slice n' dice...

Man Slices Off Penis.
1997 Darwin Awards Winner
Click to view source

This image has nothing at all to do with penis amputation. It just amused me, so we put it in...

"Alan Hall, 48, was found collapsed on the front lawn of his brother's Fairfield home on December 5, 8 hours after his penis had been cut off at the base. Paramedics rushed Hall to North Bay Medical Center, where surgeons were unsuccessful in their attempts to reattach his severed organ.

Hall blamed the maiming on a woman named Brenda, whom he met at a local gas station the previous night. He brought Brenda to his trailer, parked in the driveway of his brother's Fairfield home, and had sex.

Around 3AM, the woman mentioned revenge and cut off his penis with a razor-sharp hobby knife, then fled the trailer on foot. Details of the attack were sketchy, and police were unsure why Hall could not defend himself. Fairfield police Lieutenant William Gresham said Hall may have been using drugs.

A heated manhunt for Brenda ensued. She was described as a 42-year-old white female, 5' 7" and 135 pounds, dressed in a white blouse, navy blue jacket and blue slacks, and possibly driving a brown Ford F350 pickup truck. Meanwhile, after being discharged from the hospital on Monday, Hall drove off in a pickup hitched to his trailer and disappeared. Detectives were eager to interview him again, but were unable to locate him due to his transient lifestyle.

More intriguing details began to emerge.

Hall was arrested during the 1970's for drug possession and drunk driving. In 1982 he was arrested for taking his young daughter out of state. Psychological tests suggested that he suffered permanent mental trauma while serving with the U.S. Navy in Vietnam, causing blackouts and alcoholism. His ex-wife described him as a packrat who enjoyed taking trips in his mobile trailer home."
TwistedEdge says: As with the other stories around this rather deliciously weird subject, it beggars belief how this whole clusterfuck of affairs actually came about. Perhaps Brenda was just really anxious to try out her new blade on his. Or maybe the label "designed for cutting wood" was too confusing for her. I don't know any more - I've given up guessing, for the sake of my sanity amongst all else.

And finally...

There's no way of knowing how far this trend will continue, or what weird and wonderful ways these people will conjure up to maul and mutilate their manhoods. Always one to go with the flow, I've suggested a few ways in which to make this whole penis removal lark a little more interesting. God only knows where this'll end up. Maybe it'll become some some kind of obscure olympic sport? Only time will tell. Enjoy:

Do we honestly believe penis amputation has what it takes to be an olympic sport? Yes. Are we amazed you made it this far down the article without running off to bleach your eyes? Absolutely.

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