Ever since we squeezed this website out onto the web in 2006 (or whenever the hell it was) we've been hit with a shitstorm of spam, chainmail and other wholesome goodness. Normally we just filter through it all and don't stop tapping the Delete key till we either get carpal tunnel or find something involving butch Australian women and horses. Every once in a while though we find a few crusty nuggets worthy of our amusement. For you, the bored and stoned masses of the internet, we post them here. Oggle at your leisure...
From Russia with love...
Subject: I am interested in you.
Hola dear friend!!!<br> <br> This letter arrived to you from Russian Internet dating agency ^^Land of Love^^.<br> This is not spam or other bad things. So, please, answer to me!!!<br> <br> I am <b>Veronika</b>. I am 27 years old.<br> I live not so far from Moscow. I believe you know it.<br> I want to search or love.<br> I am single and have no children.<br> I do not smoke and do not drink alcohol.<br> I am really fed up with my boring life and I want to meet new man in my life to improve it.<br> This is my photo. I hope you can see it and you also like it and you will give an answer to me.<br> <br> Please, answer to my e-mail address : PrettyGirl3689@rambler.ru<br> I am waiting for your letter impatiently.<br> Best wishes,<br> <br> Yours Veronika.<br>
We Say: We love spam. It's fucking brilliant. But every now and again we get some that really makes us laugh. Take the gem above for instance. Not only is this blatantly addressed to every fucker and his dog (including a website called TWTS, pronounced 'twats') but... well... see for yourself. You can see they even left the <br> html tags in. How nice of them? Want a 27 year old Russian girlfriend? Don't respond to these messages. Do as normal people do.
Kidnap one instead.
From Russia with... erm... even more love...
Subject: I am interested in you.
Hello from Russian Federation. I am a lady of 27 years. I am Alisa. My hometown is Neya. It is near Moscow. I would like to find a freind from the USA. I saw your e-mail on the Internet dating agency. I hope that you will reply me and we will try to launch our relations with you. Hope you are not against of it. I have no children. I have been never married before. My height is 164 cm My weight is 53 kg Age 27 I am slender Please, if you like me,write
We Say: 53kg? I shit 53kg! I love the way they use metric like 164cm to really get our juices flowing. Because, as you know, us men are powerless against the decimal numerical system. She wants to find a friend from the USA? Contacting a British website like ours was obviously the natural choice, the dumbasses. Saw our email on a dating agency? Fuck that shit - why bother when Rohypnol is cheaper than Aspirin?
Oh, and don't even get me started on the bit that says "I hope that you will reply me and we will try to launch our relations with you." Wait a second... what's all this "we" business?! WTF?! There's more than one of her?! What the hell are we dealing with here, conjoined twins?! Conjoined twins who apparently wish to "launch relations" with us - clearly the Russians treat all occasions like a unilateral anti-nuclear peace treaty. No wonder Yeltsin was always so God-damn hammered.
The best bit? "I am slender." Wow. That's just perfect. From now on I'm always ending my emails that way. Christ - textual genius like that deserves its own t-shirt.
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