Ever since this dodgy little site opened its doors in 2006 we’ve had a few questions and comments here and there from concerned readers demanding answers. We’re too lazy to respond to the majority of emails, so we decided to put these nuggets up for all to see, to save us the dick-stompingly boring job of having to repeat ourselves. It’s important, see.
Besides, it’s a rainy morning, I stink of bad curry and I’m stuck in the office with a monolithic hangover and I can’t be arsed to do any work – so I’m doing this instead. Hopefully posting an article that no fucker will ever read will somehow ease the pain.
Here’s to wishful thinking…
Let the bollocks commence!
To kick things off, we can answer a lot of the emails and guestbook posts we receive by issuing this simple policy statement:
With that in mind, let’s begin addressing some of the assorted crap we’ve received down the years…
“Hey geeks! Do you realise that nobody gives a shit about you or your gay little website?!”
Well, obviously you do, seeing as how you took the time to email us, dickstick. Do the world and the human gene pool a favour – don’t breed. Seriously. The human race is in bad enough condition without mouth-breathers like you fucking around and bringing us back to the level of monkeys in a cage throwing shit at each other. Hell, judging by some of the emails we get, we’re there already. Hell, it's morons like this who inspired our Population Control article. By now the DNA pool must be thinner than the plotline in a Jean-Claude Van Damme movie.
“You pricks aren’t funny at all. You’re just a bunch of Maddox-wannabes, except he’s funny, and you blow.”
This comment is, of course, referring to the rather funky owner of TheBestPageInTheUniverse.com – a site which literally gets more web traffic than Jesus. You see, some time ago some feisty retard worked out that, like Maddox, our site has drawings AND comedy. Seeing as how Maddox’s page has been going for over a decade now, Captain Fuckwit above clearly believes that nobody else can have a go at entertaining the masses without being some massive sell-out or rip-off. The silly cunt. That’s like saying “Wayne Gretsky’s the best ever, therefore anybody who plays hockey is just a sad Gretsky-wannabe who needs some abuse.” Coincidentally, Gretsky and the plebs who post us comments like the above both wear helmets. Just for these people, I set up TheBestPageInTheUniverse.co.uk, simply for my own amusement. It works too – since that site went online, we get at least 3 new visitors a day because of it. Astounding.
“Your Stranger Than Fiction section is just a cheesy Fark.com rip-off. Besides, that name’s already been taken by a Will Farrell movie.”
Actually, we had the Stranger Than Fiction section online before the movie was even released, before filming even began, before the script was even written, before the rights to that steaming ocean of shit were even optioned. TwistedEdge – 1, Will Farrell – 0, bitch! Is that mini-site a cheesy Fark.com rip-off? If so, then so is CNN. The lack of logic of some people makes my balls itch with fury.
“Regarding your Cow Tipping ‘article.’ Here is a major problem with cow tipping... cows sleep laying on the ground! Never standing.”
I saw cow tipping in an episode of Beavis & Butthead, and the cow was sleeping stood up. Therefore it must be true. Some bloke called Ralph sent that one in. He’s probably just pissed because his parents gave him such a shitty name.
“You claim that your website was started in 2006 – but on some parts of your site it clearly states 2005! This is a contradiction!”
Jesus fucking Christ, we’re being haunted by the ghost of Sherlock fucking Holmes! Remarkable!
“That Vladimir guy is just a Borat rip-off!”
Here’s a little background about Vladimir. We’ve been stalking people using the Vladimir identity since the mid 90’s, long before Borat ever hit the screen. Besides, Borat is a friendly journalist from Kazakhstan whereas Vladimir is a Russian / Romanian hybrid with a fetish for Middle Eastern transsexuals. There’s a subtle difference.
“How come you assholes are always slagging us Americans, eh? [Insert threats of violence, bodily harm and rectal insertion here.]”
Because you elected Kermit The Frog and gave him the missile keys. Humour is always the best defence mechanism against mortal terror.
That’ll do for now. There’s loads more tripe that could’ve been posted (and one day it just might be) but for now I really can’t be arsed. I’d be too lazy to breathe were it not an involuntary reflex – so the fact I’ve made it this far, with this hangover, is nothing short of miraculous. And hey, feel free to drop us a line, we haven’t had any emails in at least a day and we need something to belittle and laugh at.
If anything, the above has further proved that armies of morons haunt the internet – many of them, it seems, even take the time away from their frenzied masturbation rituals to get in touch with us. Not that we mind – we’re safe in the knowledge that these losers get less sex than Burgess Meredith – and he’s been dead since 1997. Thankfully then the chances of these idiots successfully breeding are slim.